QuestionHello. I've been married for about three years and have noticed that every night about thirty minutes before bedtime my husband becomes very irritable and cranky. I haven't noticed any signs to watch for before this happens. Its' like something hits his switch and he just goes into cranky mode where he'll nag or complain at me. I don't feel that I deserve this and he acknowledges that I don't deserve it. When his cranky attitude finally gets to me, it usually ends up with us fighting and me being unhappy for the rest of the night. We usually come to an agreement or an apology at the end of it all, but while he can go on with his evening happy, I cannot. I stay mad until well after he's gone to sleep. So this brings me to my two questions. How can this "cranky mood" be avoided, if it can? Secondly, how can I "let go" of the anger that builds up inside of me after an arguement? I wish I could be like my husband and just cool down right away but it takes me a long time to be okay after our arguemnts. It makes me feel like I care more about the subject than he does, but I know that's probably incorrect. Thank you for your advice as well as your time.
AnswerHi Jessica~
If this has become a habit and a ritual for him, then you'll just have to become accustomed to his being this way and that he's cranky 30 mins prior to retiring for the night (aka - just before bedtime) and just avoid him and let him get it out of his system. Try not to take things personally either, and I know that's easier said than done. You have two different personalities here and you also deal with things differently as well. He's quick to get over something, while you tend to take a while to get over it. And most it's b/c it hurts your feelings and you feel that you're not being acknowledged for whatever reason. While I'm a person that has almost no patience for just about anything that irritates me, I do (if left alone and no ones harassing/hounding me) get over things fairly quickly and move on. I'm not one that holds a grudge, besides what good does it really do a person, to stay mad and not get over something. It only adds to stress and can make things that much worse than they really are.
If he wishes to be cranky and is set in his way and doesn't want to change that characteristic about himself, that's his choice. Just like it's your choice to not get over something in merely a few minutes after it happens. You are the type of personality that sits and stews about it. But in the end you're only hurting yourself (and I'm not being disrespectful in the least by saying that--rather trying to get you to see what this really does to you by staying upset with him over this) and stressing yourself out more.
Anyway, what I'd suggest since this is a regular occurrence is that you both agree to give each other some time and space and then when he's done being cranky to tell you goodnight, he loves you or whatever. I'm a firm believer in that no one should go to bed angry. This is why it's good to have good communication skills with your spouse. So that you might be able to talk and work through any problems, issues or differences of opinion, and to get past it and not hold on to thoughts or feelings that make you upset, hurt or angry. It's crucial in any happy, healthy and successful marriage to discuss things and work through them.
You need to sit down with him and come to an agreement to resolve this issue b/c if you don't it's only going to continue and it might get that much worse as time goes on. It's not really worth fighting in the end. You need to have a serious heart to heart talk with him. He needs to know how this is affecting you. And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage. I hope this helps you some.
