QuestionWe have been married almost 13 years. A couple years into the marriage, my husband made comments about places I had been or people I talk to on the phone. Found out later he thought I was cheating. I have NEVER cheated and don't have any desire to. Well, this has continued to go on over the years. I have had no social life outside of family because I don't want him to think I am cheating. I got a new job 5 years ago, and became good friends with about 3 people. We all used to sit at lunch together, eventually we separated due to our job. Now we communicate thru texting. Last week one of them sent me a text wanting to have breakfast. I had no money but went and had coffee. Well, today my husband is mad because he found out I went and thinks I cheated (I think he read my text messages this morning while I was asleep). "How do I know what you are doing when you get off work at 3am?" I didn't feel I needed to tell him since I was having coffee with a friend. I am tired of this. He trusts nobody. He blames me. It goes further back - to his last girlfriend and ex-wife (both cheated on him) and he has admitted this. But I can't say anything to him to get it through his head that I won't. I am tired of having no life besides family. I have 3 good friends at work but am only 'allowed' to see or talk to them there. And if he knew 2 of them were men, I am sure the Sh@# would hit the fan. He also thinks I am cheating because I have no desire for sex.
There is also a control issue. I make more money. He likes to be in control of HIS money. My whole paycheck goes DD. He deposits all but $200. We struggle financially. If I kept $200 of each of my checks we would really be screwed.
Oh, whenever I leave the house on my days off I have to take kids with me. I get absolutely no alone time. Every payday weekend he takes off and 'bums around' for nearly the whole day, by himself. I may call to check on him.
He thinks that I am a housewife and should cook, clean, and take care of kids (and him). I told him I work and I am not a housewife. That housewives stay home and devote their life to family. He says that doesn't matter and that I am still a housewife. I try to take care of things at home. But I work a swing shift. I have 2 younger kids (9 and 4), and so don't get much sleep during the day when I should be sleeping. I told him we are a team and need to act like one. But most times dishes and laundry don't get done till I get around to it, which sometimes is 2-3 days. And he says he didn't do anything because he is tired of doing it all. (This part has only been happening recently in our marriage. About the last year or so. But seems to be getting worse).
I don't think he will see a counselor since he says that I need counseling not him. If it wasn't for my 2 kids and our house I would just pack my stuff and leave.
Thanks for any advice.
AnswerHi Wendy~
It's very obvious and apparent that he's having major trust issues with you. Thus his accusations of you constantly cheating on him. He's insecure with himself and b/c his other relationships where he's experienced being cheated upon. This isn't about you, you know that, right?! It's about him and his past experiences. And he probably honestly has absolutely no clue what this is doing to you and how very close you are to wanting to give up and walk out on him and the marriage and all b/c he's behaving in this manner. It's very crucial that you tell him this. You need to sit down with him and have a serious heart to heart talk with him. He needs to know exactly how this is affecting you. And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage. Again, as I said he probably has no clue whatsoever how much of a toll this is taking on you and your nerves, etc.
With that said you shouldn't feel obligated to stay at home and not have any friends or a life outside of the home and marriage. I mean if he's going to accuse you constantly of it, then you might as well have fun and go out and spend time with friends. Why should you punish yourself due to his insecurities? That's just irrational for him to expect you to be and act this way. Not to mention is completely unfair for you to not have a life outside out the marriage. A person needs friends to talk to, to hang out with, to be with to talk and even to vent their frustrations to, etc. To expect you to stay at home and not associate with anyone and to be kept a virtual prisoner inside your home is wrong, and him trying to be controlling and manipulative. He can't you feel inferior w/o your permission. So while you can't control how he acts, you do control how you react to him (and others). You have some choices to make here and some tough ones at that. Something has to be done or it's only going to get worse as time goes on. The choice is yours and it's one only you can make for yourself.
He's in denial about a lot of things, and he could honestly benefit from counseling, to help figure out why he reacts and behaves in this unacceptable and inappropriate manner towards you. If you or the marriage means anything to him then he'd be willing to do whatever it takes to make things work and to try to support you in the things you do. But right now he's either unwilling or unable to do this, and to provide you with the things that you need to have a happy, healthy and fulfilling marriage. The choice lies with you and it all starts with you. It's never too late for change and to have a good relationship with your husband and to learn how to communicate effectively, etc. Talk to him and see if you can resolve these differences and put all these problems to rest once and for all. If he still refuses, then perhaps it's best if you seriously considered moving on with your life w/o him in it. Again, the choice is yours to make. Whatever decision you ultimately make though isn't going to be an easy one that's for sure.
