Husband Received Inappropriate Late-Night Message: What To Do?

Question
My husband and i have been together 4.5 years and have a 2 year old daughter.  A month ago my hubby, recieved a call at 1 am,  It was a message from afelmale saying hey handsome it's just me calling, wanting to make sure your night is going okay.  My husband told me this call was totally random and he doesnt know why this girl (from work) would call him (drunk dial him) and leave a message like that.  I told him he needs to tell her that it was inappropriate and disrespectful to your wife.  He assured me he would.  My husband said he would delete her from his phone too,  Over the next few days I asked my hubby if he had talked to her, he said no he hadnt seen, her.  Later that night i founf he had put his number in his phone again cell and home, under fake names, and also had infact talked to her on the phone and not mentioned the call.  we had a huge fight and for the past several weeks I have felt insecure, hurt, lied to,  I felt the need to snoop through his phone and see if he was still talking ot her.  Well I just found out on his other phone personal one he has been calling her and vice versa for the last 3 months.  He said he didn't want to tell him he has a female friend because i would be jelous, or not like it, and he was protecting me and didnt eant to upset me.  He has literally talked to her everyday several tiems a day from 5 minute to 50minute calls.  Even when we were out of town visiting my family.  He says she was just good to talk to and they never hung out, and he never talked abiout personal things,  Our marriage hasnt been great in the last 3 months,  he isnt a good listner and is hard to talk to,  so if he cant listen to his wife, why is he talking/listning to another woman.  He says she has a b/f and a kid, like that makes it oky, i also know she went on a date with another married man from work, and then called my hubby after, and texted him the next morning and said I was good, lol.  I was so upset, and before i confronted him on it, iseen that he had again called her since he promnised not too, he swore he would not call her and did.  I feel like he has put her before me, I have asked him anythign else you want to tell me and he wold say no and then i find out about 3 months of calling everyday.  I don't believe that he has had a sexual relationship with her, he says he would never do that.  We have a 2 year old, and have been married for 6 months, I feel like for 3 months half my marriage my husband has been emotionally cheating on my with this girl.  I said i might leave, i asked if he would still keep talkign to her he said well depends if you are leaving me or not, I feel like he isnt having sex with her, but he has me ready to be replaced.  It ma=ust have took a lot of work to hide this for 3 months from me, but in all that time how could he not realze this is wrong and would really hurt me and our marriage/family.   He has apologized and says he is so sorry he cause me this hurt, and he wants to switch jobs and start all over, but i dont know why should i give him another chance, He has lied and broken to mnany promises to me, I dont know that i can forget this, or trust him, i dont want to spend my life having to spy on my husband and feeling insecure.  I love him so much, but I am 23 yhears old, I dont know if i should settle for this,  I have never done anything i wouldnt do with him right beside me, I am a lot happier and loving and he has always been emotionally closed.  I just need some advice about all of this.  Thank you

Answer
Hi LEe,

If you have expressed to your husband that this is bothering you, then it is his duty as your husband to stop the activity, simple as that.

If he needs to have a woman friend, then he can invite her to your home and have her introduce herself to the both of you and spend time with both of you.  If it is the case that he is able to talk to her and not to you, then you have a definite problem.  No reason why he would be able to spend so much time talking to another woman when you are his wife. You should be able to talk to each other about all the things he talks about with her. I would clearly suggest to him that he is indeed being very inappropriate. The fact that he lies worries me immensely.

Such characteristics are not to be taken lightly. They are telling of the basic moral values a person holds dear.

If I may put forth the following.....if I was able to lie to my wife I would reconsider why I decided to marry her in the first place.

The very idea that someone would call him at 1 a.m. makes no sense to me, and certainly not with the message that she left.

Make yourself understood and do not stand for such antics.  You are young and have a long life ahead of you.  Your husband needs to grow up.


regards and all the best for 2009.


Don.