QuestionThank you for taking the time to read my question. My husband and I have been married for 2 years, together in total for 5. In April of this year I found text messages on his phone to a female colleague that showed that they were involved with each other emotionally, if not more (although he has said there was nothing more, and I do believe him). Things were not right between us, and said he felt that the 'spark' and gone, and listed a whole load of things he did not like about me, including that I wasn't tidy to his level (he is extremely tidy - to the point of tea towels having to be hund in a certain way), he didn't think we should disagree, he didn't like that I aggravated his temper. I felt we had hit that crossroad at the end of the honeymoon period where we started to realise more about each other. He however felt that all this meant we shpuldn't be together, that he would meet someone better suited to him, and nothing would change his mind.
I got to the point where I felt there was nothing more I could so, and bought a house and moved out. He then sent to me a very long letter about what a fool he'd been, and how he'd built trivial things to be mountains but he always loved me. It is very unlike him to say how he is feeling, let alone write it, and I was impressed by how much thought had gone into it. After a couple of days though he had changed his mind and was back to being sure that he did not want to be married. Since then he still calls every day, and texts. On Saturday he told me he was 'open to a reconciliation' but today he doesn't know again.
I do believe deep down he has made a mistake, and I don't want to not be married to him. I'm doing my best to get on with my life and go out with friends, and have new hobbies, whilst still being open to him but I don't know how long I can handle his being up and down like this.
I really don't know what to do for the best, and if you can help I would be very grateful.
AnswerHi LT~
You need to continue to move on with your life w/o him in it. He's the one that told you how he felt and now he has to deal with it. He honestly can not expect you to drop everything and move back in and take him back, only for him to change his mind once more. It's not okay and it's not fair for him to play mind games with you. You have got to put an end to this once and for all, or it will only continue if you allow it. With that said it's never easy for a marriage to end, it's a scary time to restart your life and to jump into life and start over anew. It takes some adjusting and getting used to it. It's unfortunate that he feels this way about you, but at least you can now begin to move forward and get it over with. The way he did it wasn't in the best of ways, but what's done is done and it can't be taken back. It was wrong of him to have an emotional affair with this other woman. And often times this is more damaging to a marriage than a physical/sexual affair. Whereas with an emotional bond they have emotionally bonded with this other person and they have an attachment to them. So, yes, it really is for the best that he's gone and don't let him weasel his way back into your life. It may not feel like it's for the best but it really is, maybe one day you'll realize this too. Besides why on earth would you want to be with someone that doesn't love you the way you should be loved and deserve to be loved. It's like living a lie and pretending everything is okay when deep down it's really not. I supposed it's a blessing in disguise that he told you now as opposed to later when you have more invest into the marriage, like time, and thinking that he felt the same way about you that you did for him. At any rate as much as it hurt right now, it can and will get better as time goes on. You certainly don't deserve what he's done and what he's trying to do to you by leading you on, or at the very least being wishy-washy with his constant decision changing on a daily basis. You can't keep doing that. I hope this helps you some.
