QuestionI have been with my boyfriend for 4 years. We are supposed to get married in may. He was in a long term relationship right before me as was I. I moved in with him when we had only dated for 3 months. He had awesome morals and I thought he couldn't be better. Then I started getting calls from his ex girlfriend saying that he is still talking to her and still loves her. I told him and he just seemed to get very angry with me. He said he wasn't and I believed him and felt very guilty. I then got calls from random numbers over the next few years saying the same sort of things. It hurt so bad I thought she was just a mean girl who couldn't get over him. A year ago we got engaged and a few months after that his best friend told me that she had called him saying she was getting married and she wished it was him. Apparently his friend said that tore him up and that's why he finally asked me to marry him. I talked to him about it, obviously I was in tears, I couldn't stop throwing up and it felt like I got punched in the stomache. He didn't seem to care at all he just seemed mad he was caught. He then got drunk one night and told me he had always been talking to her, I couldn't even tell you how many fights we had had about those calls. He would make me cry every time I brought it up by making me feel so guilty and saying he couldn't believe I didn't trust him. This girl had tortured me for years and he let me deal with it so he could talk to her. We have have many fights about it afterwards and I know the fighting wasn't a good, I kept thinking that maybe this next time I talked to him he would accually feel sorry but he thinks he did nothing wrong. I told him it was me or her, not both, he told me he would stop talking to her and he would let me know when she would try to contact him. I told him if I found out he lied again I would kick him out of my house. So far there have been about 5 or so times he has lied about her again. Each time I just said ill leave you if you don't stop. Obviously he called my bluff. He has changed his number recently to try to prove to me he is trying to get her out of his life. But I don't believe him anymore. This woman has made my life hell for years and I blame him. I don't know if that's fair to blame him but I can't help it. He says she was his friend for years and he didn't want to lose her friendship but it came at the price of her haressaing me. I feel like he should have said to her, I wanted to be your friend but you messed up by messing with my girlfriend. But I want to know if he doesn't think he did anything wrong if he will continue to do what I ask him not to, if he doesn't like what I say. If hell just say to my face okay and do what he wants behind my back and them lie. Please help me, I'm dying inside. I love him and want to make it work but I'm not wanting to waste my time with a jerk.
AnswerHi Danielle,
I read your message twice. My suggestion will be simple and clear and my reasoning as well.
He chose to lie to you, and not to her. He chose her friendship over your love.
It is time for you to move on. If he did this to you without batting an eyelash, imagine he can do to you when you are married.
Don't let your love blind you to the basic fundamentals of his character, which are flawed at best if he does not know where to place his priorities.
Move on, and find someone who is more worthy of your love. Believe me when I say that his level of integrity cannot possibly match your needs when it comes to finding a husband.
Don't torture yourself any further. You deserve better.
Kindest regards to the best of all things good to you.
don.
