Questioni have been with my husband for nine years been married close to 4 and have 2 children 6 1/2 and 4 1/2.
He is an arrogant person and alot of people don't like him but I have always put this aside making excuses for him etc. But I'm tired his constant little comments about "supporting me coz I didn't work" etc have finally drained me by the way I went back to work 3 months after the birth of our first and went back fulltime 2 years ago. However that also doesn't suit him. I left 4 weeks ago but have been unable to give him any real answer as to why or if I will be back we started seeing a consellor who is all for reconciliation and he is bending over backwards to make amends but I just don't want to. How do I tell him that he wants answers!!
AnswerHi Katherine~
You need to be up front and brutally honest with him. You don't have to be mean and disrespectful to him when you tell him the truth. He deserves to hear how you feel about him and the marriage. You should tell him something like: "John, I've been with you all these years, I stayed with you b/c I loved you and wanted to believe in you, even when you treated me less than unfair and you disrespected me, etc. Now, since I've separated from you, I've decided that I don't want to continue our marriage anymore for several reasons (insert whatever good reasons come to mind, such as his attitude and holier than thou attitude/front, among other decisions you've decided to make this decision)." He is the one that choose to behave this way all these years. And now, all of the sudden he's "seen the light" and he's had an epiphany and he's going to be a changed man and the new improved husband you always wanted, needed, desired and deserved him to be?! That just might be a little too late by your present decision. You can't be expected to just forget all that he's done all this time during the entire time you've remained with him.
You are free of him and now you're finally happy. He now has to deal with the consequence of his actions, and it may have just cost him his wife and marriage. That was a chance he took when he treated you this way. No one likes an arrogant and pompus person. And although he doesn't agree with your decision he should respect it (not that he will though). He's lost what he had and now he's trying to make it up to you. Do not go back and try to work it out if your heart just isn't in it, and if you can't give yourself to him and the marriage 110%. If you do, then it'll end up being for the wrong reasons. You need to trust your gut instincts and go with them. After all your gut instincts are there to tell you when something isn't quite right or if it does feel right. You'll just know that feeling in your heart of hearts, so listen to it.
Tell him openly and honestly that you don't feel the same way about him as you did when you first got married, that as time went on your thoughts, feelings and view about him changed when you saw the real him. And quite frankly you're done making excuses for him. You tolerated it for 9 yrs and it's time that you thought about yourself and that of your children. They don't need to see him treating you with such rudeness and disrespect, etc. His actions were simply unacceptable and very inappropriate. You're sorry but you have to move on with your life w/o him in it. That's just the way you feel and you can't help how you feel, and you don't mean to hurt him, but you felt compelled to be honest with you. Sure, he'll probably be hurt and even crushed, but you know what he brought this on himself (and not to sound insensitive, but what did he expect for you to take this for a life time). I mean a person can only take so much of something before they finally reach their breaking point. And then they break and they finally do something about it once and for all. The choice is yours and it's one that only you can make. It's better to get this over with sooner rather than later. Stay strong and stand your ground. It's not going to be easy but you can and will get through this. Just think and remember how happy you are now and it's only been 4 weeks since you've separated.
