QuestionHi, I have been married for 7 years, but even before we got married I have always had thoughts of leaving him. At the beginning I think we we're in love and he took care of all my needs, but once we moved in together and I got pregnant, he started to change. He has been in and out of jobs throughout our marriage and it seems that his first priority is himself. He will buy car parts, video games, electronic devices first BEFORE getting things that our kids need. Right now we are living in my parent's guest house and he doesn't feel the need to pay rent to my dad, but I, alone have been paying the rent. I really resent him because he is not helping me financially and emotionally. I am a full-time student and I have school fees that I pay by myself because according to him, it was my decision to go back despite the fact that I helped pay thousands for his school fees. I also pay for utilities, our car insurance, and miscellaneous items for the kids. The only thing I haven't paid for is my new truck which is less than the rent but he constantly threatens me by telling me to take my truck back because he won't pay for it any longer. He is always telling me that He pays for everything which really ticks me off because it isn't true, but he refuses to acknowledge my contributions to our family. I feel like I can't leave him because I worry that I won't be able to support myself and the kids. He doesn't help our oldest daughter with her school work, and he doesn't help with the house work. I am a full-time everything...mother, employee, and student so I'm busy and I asked him to start helping out with the house and kids and he told me, "You only have to type at your work, but my work is outdoors and I work longer hours" That pisses me off because he doesn't think "mothering" is a full-time job. I have kicked him out several times and each time he refused to call/see our kids and give financial support. I don't love him anymore, but I can't see how I can leave him. I know in my heart that I would be much happier without him, but I feel sorry for him. My friends and family tell me that I have become too comfortable with the situation and because I'm the type of person who can't be alone...I will never leave him. Help me...I'm so confused of what exactly to do. I have already tried talking to him about fixing our marriage but each time it is only me making changes. I want to get out of this marriage I just don't know how to tell him or where to start.
AnswerHi Rebecca~
It sounds like you've had your mind made up a long, long time ago that this marriage is over. You just haven't physically gone through with it yet. The hardest part is taking the first step and actually going through with it. I'm not going to lie to you it's tough to go through a separation and a divorce. It's devastating for all parties involved and it's emotionally (and even financially) draining. It takes a toll on a person to go through one. But I'm here to tell you that there is life after a divorce. You know he's no good for you, he doesn't treat you right, doesn't help you like a husband should, etc. Why do you keep subjecting yourself and these children to this? Is it b/c you're afraid of what will happen when/if you actually go through with it (a separation and divorce)? If so, don't worry these feelings are totally normal. Going into the unknown and not knowing what's going to happen in your future is pretty scary. The key is to do it and to then take life one day at a time. That's all you can live it anyway.
If you already pay for everything now, what's holding you back besides a truck payment, big deal. Get rid of it, trade it in for a cheaper truck or another cheaper vehicle. There are ways around this you know. It's just a matter of mind over matter and going through and doing it. You've already proven him you don't need his support to get you by. He's holding you back from being successful and having a prosperous and good life. See, a person can only take so much of something before they break. The question here is when is your breaking point? How much longer are you willing to put up with this before you finally say NO MORE?! You have to realize that if he truly loved and respected you as a husband should he wouldn't be treating you in this manner, period. It's unacceptable and inappropriate for him to degrade and disrespect you ever. You teach a person how to treat you. And he can't make you feel inferior w/o your permission. You have to take back that control from him. So while you can't control how he acts, you do control how you react.
You now have to decide what it is you want to do with this marriage. You have to stop enabling him. Such as when you kick him out, stop taking him back. Each time you agree to take him back, you're enabling him even more. You must stop this. Of course, he's going to keep coming back b/c he knows that you'll take him back and thus he can continue to keep treating you like crap and walking all over you. You have yourself and your children to think about now, this marriage isn't all about him anymore, never has been. He's being selfish, as a parent you can't be that way.
So I guess my point here is it's important to go with your heart and do what's right for you and what makes you happy (including the children). If you have any further questions please feel free to ask.
