QuestionI forgot a couple of possible issues. My husband says he doesn't want to work outside the home since he sees how stressed I am over work related issues and doesn't want that added stress on himself. I am selfish due to wanting him to work that may cause him emotional stress. He wants to live a healthy stressfree life. What about me? He is causing extra stress on me. He thanks me for working and keeping him emotionally healthy. He feels I should not worry about money and/or how or bills will be paid, it will all work out. I agree, but when I see our bills comming in and making it check to check. I am stressed and worried about our financial future. I drive a car with 180,000 miles. We have no credit now and no savings. We need things fixed on our house. He feels I should quit my job, create income off my 401 savings, which he withdrew 25k two years ago to try and create a home based business by real estate. It fell thru, now I am struggling to get my 401k back up. He feels WE have done good because our boys have been to college and going to college on a scholarship we shouldn't worry about a thing. Am I wrong to want something more? He says I am an evil person when I am talking about money. Money is a route to all evil and I am evil everytime I bring up our finances. Isn't he being an evil, selfish person by not help supporting his family? How can a grown man not support his family financially? He feels he supports his family by being here. Most men are never around to raise their kids. Well..my kids are practically grown. Should I consider leaving if he doesn't get a job?
AnswerRenee: Your husband seems to have a very significant self-esteem issue. There is no reason that a healthy adult should not be able to contribute to the financial well being of his or her family. It sounds like you are doing your part - he is not.
First, I do not think you should leave your marriage. I think you should work to fix things. Remember "for richer or for poorer".
Secondly, the saying "money is the root of all evil" is false and it always has been. SELFISHNESS is the root of all evil. Money doesn't cause a criminal to rape a women. Money doesn't cause a criminal to molest a child. It is selfishness. Your husband is being very selfish.
He is obviously more concerned with having a stress-free life than in helping you live a stress-free life. That is selfishness.
Here is what I would like you do. Sit down with him and tell him that you are very unhappy with the way things are. You work and work and work and you never seem to get ahead. Yes, you are proud that the boys are able to go to college on scholarships, etc. but that doesn't pay your monthly bills.
And yes, he may not want stress on himself. But sometimes, life is hard, difficult, and stressful. But the bottom line is that he needs to contribute to the well-being of his family. Does he think his only contribution to raising those boys is his sperm?
Lastly, he needs to take a baby step towards helping you. If you insist he get a full time job next week, he will probably fold on you. Ask him to get a part-time job that involves working only two days a week. After a few months, go to three days a week, etc. He may find that the experience is more fulfilling than he thought and move even faster. But the bottom line is that you MUST get him to start somewhere. It can be the most mundane, stress-free job in the world - just something, anything to get a toe in the water and let it blossom from there.
If he absolutely refuses to do anything - then I think you need to tell him that he jeopardizes your entire relationship. That you want the marriage to be solid but marriage is not a one-way street. Remind him that selfishness is the root of all evil.
Good luck Renee. Don't let this continue.
David
PS Do not allow your husband to touch your 401K ever again.
