QuestionHi, I have been married for 4 years. For the past 2 years I feel like our relationship has been going downhill. It started right after his father passed away. We fight constantly and my husband always says I'm the cause which I know that I'm not. He gets mad when I'm sick or I have to go to the hospital. He even yells at me in the hospital. He calls me names and says things like " I hope they keep you so I don't have to listen to you complain about being sick" He laughs when I am in pain and I have to beg him to stop yelling at me in front of people. He gets mad when I have to be admitted in the hospital. He says " If you stay I'll go home and get us kicked out of the apartment". When we argue he acts like a child. He stomps his feet, bangs on the door and yells. Since I have gotten pregnant he has been saying he's going to punch me in my stomach harder and harder until I start bleeding. He gets mad if I have to go out alone. When I leave he says he will play music as loud as he can to get us kicked out of our apartment. He gets mad if my dad, who is sick, needs my help. I can never go anywhere alone. If I do he causes an argument and says "I hope you have a car accident" and I have to beg him to stop yelling at me. He also acts very childish. When we got together he was a momma's boy. His mom did everything for him. Now he throws a temper tantrum if he doesn't get his way. He even acts childish in public around people. I have people asking me if I am his mother because of the way he acts. My question is can this relationship be fixed? Should I even try to fix it? How can I get him to grow up and act his age? I am embarrassed to be seen with him? I love him and I don't want to leave but I find myself not telling him things and I am starting to think about what my life would be like without him. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
AnswerHi Amber~
At the rate this marriage is going, no, it's not going to last if you allow this to keep happening. He has a problem with anger management. He's a bully and an abuser. He likes to act out and take things out on you, conveniently blaming you and others for his problems. He's immature and he needs to grow up and stop being selfish and self-absorbed. This is real life and you don't get your way all the time. You are condoning this behavior b/c you allow and put up with it. Otherwise he wouldn't/couldn't be doing this to you. He does this b/c it works for him, he gets a pay off by doing this to you. His pay off is that he can make you miserable and you beg him to stop tormenting you. You are enabling him and empowering him when you show weakness to him. He loves it, and he eats up all the attention (especially negative attention) that you're giving him. Why in the hell are you putting up with this treatment from him?
You can't make him grow up, his made it his life's mission to be immature and act out and ppl do things for him to get him to shut up. It's his pay off and he loves it. You can make him do something he refuses to do or to change something he either unwilling or unable to change. So why do you keep wasting your time with him on this? Are you a glutton for punishment and like to be treated badly? He must think so b/c you stay with him and you endure while he abuses you. The way you fix this is you remove yourself from the equation. He can't treat you like crap and walk all over you and do what he does if you're not there. You have to take that power away from him. You may not be able to control the way he act, but you do control the way you react to him (and others). He can't make you feel inferior w/o your permission. Keep that in mind.
The more he abuses you, the more he ruins your self-confidence, your self-esteem, your self-worth and most importantly he's broken your spirit. And that's not okay by any means. All he's done so far is to degrade, demean and disrespect you. Why do you think that's okay for someone to do to you? I'm here to say that it's not. Just b/c you love someone doesn't mean you have to be with them or that they are right for you. It doesn't have to be this way unless you want it to be. You have to start thinking about yourself and what's in your best interest. And so far that's to NOT be anywhere around or near him. But to answer your questions, no, at this point the marriage can't be fixed or worked on (unless he's willing to admit he's got some serious issues and to seek some treatment, including therapy for himself), and you should NOT stay and try to work things out. You're fighting an uphill and never-ending battle here. Cut your losses and move on with your life w/o him in it. The choice is yours and it's one that only you can make.
