QuestionQUESTION: Hi Samantha, I guess I am only asking for an opinion here since I have already made my choice.
I am 38 he is 49. I have never been married nor have I any children. He divorced 9 years ago and never fell in love again or had a committed relationship until we met. He has 2 daughters, the youngest being 14 yo. Divorce was a huge trauma for him.
I left him because he doesn't see himself having children again, and the fact that we are in love is not a good reason (for either of us) to compromise. Children have always been an issue in this relationship, and now after 12 months from the day we magically met I feel I have given him enough time to eventually change his perspective, but he hasn't. Not even with a "maybe". When I met him he actually would not even consider a serious relationship, now he sees himself married one day, so there has been evolution. Part of me thinks that maybe he would have changed his mind on children as well. However, I feel I cannot take the risk to "hope" that given that I am 38!
I feel I have made the right choice, but I am interested in knowing what your experience is as a consultant. I guess deep inside I still do hold a bit of hope, but I am not going back.
Thank you so much for reading.
Giovanna
ANSWER: Hi Giovanna~
You know you are absolutely right, if you see yourself with a child at some point in your life and he stead-fastly refuses to even consider having a child with you. Then that can be a drop dead deal breaker for most anyone in your situation. You have every right to feel this way and want to have a child if you wish, just as he has every right to decide that he's dead set against having another child, even if it's with someone he loves. Neither one of those is a bad thing either. What's bad is if you can't decide or come to any compromise on this issue. If you know in your heart that you can't be with him due to this reason, then that's good enough for you. You have to go with your heart and do what's right for you and what makes you happy. If it feels right then do it, always trust your gut instincts, after all they are there for a reason, to tell you when something's right or when it's not. What's right for you might not be good/right for him, and that's okay. The point is you've told and discussed with him what you need, want, desire, deserve and expect from him and he's unwilling or unable to accommodate you on having a child, and that's his choice, just like it's your choice to want a child. It's too bad that it couldn't work out in the end though. But you have to do what you have to do sometimes. As long as you are okay with it, then do what's right for you and move on with your life w/o regrets.
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QUESTION: Hello again Samantha. I would like to ask for your opinion once again since things have evolved from your last answer. After moving on and having no contacts for about 3 weeks, he contacted me and told that he loved me and wanted to work through our issues in order to start living our life together and have a future. So he didn't exactly agreed on having a baby I guess, he said "let's work on this idea". We started doing couple's therapy which was a great exercise for 2 months. We have learnt more about each other and how to accept each other's differences. We got closer. He said he wanted to live the rest of his life with me and was starting to envision moving in together sometimes in the next 12 months. Then the baby talk come back again, both privately and at the therapist. He, once again, was not able to commit to a full YES. He said.."it is not a Yes and it is not a No...I need to work it out in my head"...so...I decided once again that I could not take a risk such as that, and this time instead of leaving him I decided to give him the choice. I knew he would have chosen to break up, and so he did. Philip is the kind of man that does not say or commit to something unless he is 1000% sure! But I owed to myself the chance to move on.
Not I am so hurt, it's been only 2 weeks...but I am starting to think that maybe I should have been a bit more patient and trust our relationship more? He was actually starting to see himself "jumping" but was quite not ready to do it...
Or maybe I have done the right thing...he would have never changed his mind.
Somehow I grew up thinking that if you are truly in love with someone, for nothing in the world you would want that person go. Maybe he was not truly in love with me, but only with himself. What do you think?
AnswerHi Giovanna~
You did the right thing to let him go and to move on with your life w/o him in it. I can respect that he wasn't 100% sure if he wanted kids or not, after all that is a pretty huge and life changing event. But by the same token I can see how important it is to you to have a child(ren). And you shouldn't compromise something that means so much to you and for him too. You can not come to any agreement of whether to have children or not, and you're on the opposite spectrum too. So while it's hard that you had to do that and break it off with him, you really did do the right thing, given the circumstances.
You need to find someone that you're on the same page with, that you can share your excitement and dream to have children. I've had a couple of times where this has been a real issue for other couples just as you. It's not an easy thing for anyone to go through, particularly when it's someone that you love very deeply and with all your heart. It's hard to say goodbye and part ways b/c you can't agree on something very important in life. This seems to be a drop dead deal breaker for you and there's absolutely nothing with that. You have to stand for something and not be willing to compromise your beliefs and wants in life, especially when it's something this big (meaning involving whether to have children or not). After all it is a life changing event for both parties.
He made the choice to not give you a firm answer either way, and wasn't good enough for you, and rightfully so. You can't blame yourself for that. It was his choice to not want children, just like it's your choice to want them. It doesn't mean that he wasn't truly in love with you though, it means that he couldn't commit to having a child(ren). Somehow you have to learn how to come to terms with that. As time goes on it can and probably will get easier, but give yourself time. With a break up you'll need time to heal the hurt and pain that all this caused. I think it was for the best ultimately. I hope this helps you some.
