Navigating Infidelity: Support and Advice After an Affair

Question
I dated my husband in high school and we got married 5 years ago. We have always had a pretty close relationship or so I thought. I just recently found out that he has been having an affair with my ex best friend and as if that's not enough, she is now pregnant. I was pregnant with our second child when he was having this affair. he did finally come clean when I asked him recently. He says that he loves me and that he wants our relationship to work. I am going through the motions though. One minute I want things to work and the next minute I don't even want to look at him. I have a lot of mixed emotions. If I do choose to stay and work things out how do I learn to get the trust back into our relationship? I know that I will never forget this but I would like to put this behind me and move on with my life in a positive way. This has been one of the hardest things that I have gone through. Can you give me some advice on where to go from here?

Answer
Hi Jana~

I assume that she's pregnant with your husband's child.  Please correct me if I'm wrong here.  I come from a very similar situation.  When I was married to my first husband he cheated on me several times (5 that I know for sure).  The last one that I found out about, I kicked him out.  And wouldn't you know it 3 months after out separation she ended up pregnant with his child (no surprise there really).  We were still married, just separated.  I filed for a divorce and went through with it.  There was just absolutely no way I could be with him when he got another woman pregnant.  I just couldn't do it.  We were having so many more problems in our marriage anyway.  This was the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak.  I couldn't take it any longer.  And frankly I'm glad that I kicked him out and ultimately divorced him.  While it was one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make in my life, it was one of the best ones at the same time.  I honestly do not regret doing this at all.  

So you have two options here.  A) You stay with him and the child becomes a part of your life, including the friend, since they'll have to remain in some sort of contact for the child's sake.  If you're prepared to endure this and take all this on.  Or B) You tell him that you just can't do it and move on with your life.  Either decision is going to be a tough one, that's for sure.  But those are the only two options you have really.  And more than likely it will eventually take a toll on your relationship and marriage.  Besides can you really and truly ever trust him again.  You need to ask yourself that and are you in it for the long haul.  

I would strongly urge you to sit down with him and have a serious heart to heart talk with him.  He needs to know exactly how this is affecting you. He needs to know what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage.  Perhaps you can come up with some sort of compromise to work out these differences.  I would also suggest that you seek some form of marriage counseling too.  This way you can figure out what lead him to cheat on you in the first place.  And at least you could walk away knowing that you've done everything within your power to save the marriage (even if it ends up not working out in the end).  

It's going to take quite a long time before you're ready to begin trusting him again.  It's a long process.  He has to show and prove to you that he can eventually be trusted.  He has to be willing to do whatever it takes to save the marriage and to make it better.  It helps if you can try to be supportive of each other whenever possible.  So in order for you to move past this the first thing you must do is to forgive him for what he's done.  Of course, that doesn't mean you have to forget at all.  But forgiving him is one of the first steps in putting this incident behind you and moving forward with your life (whether it's ultimately together or even separately).  Only when you can forgive him will you truly be able to move on.  

The most important thing here is to go with your heart and do what's right for you and what makes you happy.  Whatever that decision may be.  If you have any further questions please feel free to ask.