QuestionMy boyfriend and I were so in love and so happy(we even discussed marriage) before I got pregnent. after i told him I was pregnent, he showed no interest in the baby and me. I told him I was terminating, still he showed no interest. 3weeks after the abortion he came around, wanted to continue where we left off. I dont want anything to do with him cause i wouldnt have terminated if it was not for him. Am I too bitter should we continue?
AnswerHi, Sasha,
What happened to you, and the way you feel about it, happens often. In fact, it happens most of the time.
This man let you down. He showed his "true colors", so to speak. He wasn't there when you needed him. You were "damaged goods" because your pregnancy threw the monkey wrench into the comfortable arrangement he had with you: he got the pleasure, and didn't have to worry about the consequences. You also made a decision you didn't want to make. This was a deep invasion of your body and your spirit. This man didn't love you. Love means to cherish someone, to put their interests before your own when it comes to protect that person from harm. He had that duty to you. He put you at risk, and then when you got "tarnished", he abandoned you emotionally. And now he wants to take advantage of you some more.
That's how I see it.
You deserve better.
As far as the relationship goes, that will have to be your decision. That said, you are under no obligation to continue to let him have access to your body. Unless he is willing to respect your body enough to refrain from harming you, to protect you, to be there for you no matter what, he's hardly a catch.
It may help if I explain a little about the difference between the sexuality of men and women. When a woman has sex, her body releases prolactin, which is the same hormone released during breastfeeding. It's a bonding hormone. It helps cause a woman to bond emotionally with her partner or baby. The man has no such reaction. This means the bond isn't there. Men are more structured toward simply wanting to sow seed. If a man is going to be a good husband and partner, it has to be on the basis of something else.
It would also help if we had different words for "love" like the Greeks do. They have four different words. I don't remember all four, but two are of importance here. "Eros" means sexual attraction. "Agape" (ah-GAH-peh) means self-sacrificing love. Eros is an emotion, while agape is a decision. Agape is the decision to put the other person's well being ahead of your own. It's what women need and expect. When a man says he loves the woman, she jumps to the conclusion that he has this kind of cherishing, when at most he might be feeling sexual attraction. He'll call it "love" for several reasons. One is that he isn't aware of the deeper meaning; he can take care of himself. The other is that it lets him get what he wants. If complications in the relationship arrive, he can leave without consequences, particularly if there is no child he has to support. He doesn't feel the need for someone who will be there for him when he becomes vulnerable. It doesn't mean the need isn't there, but our society doesn't exactly encourage a man to be aware of his own need, since it emphasizes the self reliance aspect out of proportion.
This man abandoned you and your baby emotionally. He might as well have ordered you to get an abortion. The result was the same. He has a lot of growing up to do. Women tend to mature much faster emotionally. Some men never do grow up.
It will be best for you in the long run, for the sake of your peace of mind, to forgive him. Like agape, forgiveness is a decision. You won't feel like forgiving him. In fact, it can be healthy to acknowledge your outrage for a little while. But if you decide not to hold what he did against you, but to accept the emotional consequences, that is forgiveness. This does NOT mean you should necessarily take him back. That is a different decision. Personally, I would refuse to take him back unless he agrees not to take advantage of your body anymore. He will probably want to call it quits if you ask for this. If so, you're better off without him. You should be available for a decent man to find you. But if he is willing to stop using you sexually, then you might decide to stay with him. And although it's very hard, he should also acknowledge how you feel about your abortion, and at least show some kind of compassion or empathy. He probably doesn't feel that, or if he does, he's got it deeply buried. He isn't aware of it himself. You should have a talk with him and tell him how much he has hurt you. If he is willing to listen, go ahead and discuss it out. If he isn't, or shows the same kind of detachment, that tells you he's not really worthy of you.
It may well be that you experienced emotional highs from sex. Lots of women do. That is another issue to deal with. Is the emotional high of a few minutes worth the cost of what you have been through? Wouldn't you rather have sex with someone who truly cherishes you on a deeper level? I can tell you from experience that the sex you have been experiencing is nothing compared to the "real thing", with a man who truly does cherish you. Sex is there for two reasons. The first is to bond two people together. Obviously, it worked with you and not with him. If he had been bonded to you the way sex is supposed to bond two people, he would have been there for you. It may have been difficult, but he wouldn't have simply shown no interest. The second reason for sex is to produce children. For us women, bearing children is part of our sexuality. There are sexual sensations that accompany pregnancy, childbirth, and breastfeeding. Obviously, the man has nothing comparable. The sexual sensations in childbirth are often obscured by the pain most women experience, but they are definitely there. Your boyfriend has only experienced the most superficial parts of sex. For us, abortion is like castration. Our sexuality is cut short.
However, there is also the possibility that you were having sex for the wrong reasons. If you were looking for love, especially if you didn't really get the nurture at home that you truly needed, then if a man comes along and tells you, "If you love me, you will do this," then you are doing sex for the wrong reason. The right answer is, "if you love me, you won't ask." A woman deserves a commitment before she gives her body. The only commitment that truly means anything is marriage. Or, did you have sex because he made certain representations to you about his feelings, that you interpreted in a womanly fashion? Did you assume he loved you when he said so, in the way a woman loves? And then, do you really and truly experience physical pleasure in sex? And again, is the momentary pleasure worth the price you paid?
I would suggest something I call "secondary virginity". That means that you don't yield to a man until he marries you. You can certainly touch, and show affection, but don't go off into a remote place where temptation can take over, and don't let the man touch your erogenous zones. You can then develop the necessary self respect. If you tell your boyfriend that you want to move into secondary virginity, and he gets upset, that also tells you something. Ask yourself what you want in a man you want to keep. Do you want someone who will respect and care for you when for some medical reason you can't have sex? Do you want someone who will love you when you get out of bed in the morning, and all he can see are the wrinkles and the fat in all the wrong places? Will the man you are evaluating be there for you AND your children? Will he cherish your children and be a good father? Now it's possible that when you start expressing things like this, he'll suggest penetration someplace else on your body. Don't let him do this. It can lead to nasty diseases. I also personally think these are degrading. There are ways to express affection that don't involve penetration, and discovering them can be a lot of fun.
Also, ask yourself if you want a man you can trust not to run off with the first pretty thing on legs. Trust in marriage most easily happens when both come into the marriage as virgins. Obviously, that won't happen at least on your part. But if you feel you won't be able to trust him not to run off with someone else, start looking for a different man. If you're not his first, think long and hard about him as a suitable partner.
One thing to keep in mind is that guys will tell a woman that once they reach a certain level of arousal, they can't stop. Oh, yes, they can. If they "can't stop", you're looking at rape. The truth is, they don't want to stop, and a lot of guys have no self control and don't want to develop any. Best not to get him to that stage to begin with. Obviously, if you stop after he feels that level of arousal, he will feel negative sensations, and he will resent you. But if you both never get there in the first place, this isn't an issue.
If the man abuses you in any way, then find someone else. Emotional abuse (abandonment) is also a form of abuse. If he'll do that once, he'll do it again. If you can talk to him rationally, and show him how he abused you, and he is willing to apologize and make amends, then you might take a chance. But again, the words are much cheaper for him than the understanding is for you. If he abandoned you once, he can do so again. And apologies can be cheap, too, until next time he puts himself and his feelings first. Most men will be on their best behavior until they get married, and then the gloves come off. Some men can be very charming. Most abusers are. I met a man who had beaten his wife so badly that she had a miscarriage, and he cracked her skull. He was the picture of Mediterranean charm to me. And I'm sure that's how he won her in the first place. The test is what your boyfriend will do if you tell him you want to become a secondary virgin. If nothing else, it's a good test. And if you decide he's not really the man you thought he was, look for someone where you won't get off on the wrong foot to begin with, someone who will respect your body from the outset, and will protect you.
The other thing you will need to do is seek emotional and spiritual healing. Crisis pregnancy agencies have services for women who need to do this. They are typically run by women who have experienced both abortion and healing themselves. Please avail yourself of these resources. You can find a center near you by looking in the Yellow Pages under "abortion alternatives" or by going here: http://pregnancycenters.org/ .
Whether or not to try to salvage this relationship should be a decision you make after careful thought. If you feel you can't get past your resentment and outrage, then move on. Make yourself available for someone else. But if you think you can, then take it slowly. Don't rush into anything. Expect him to leave you alone sexually. If he is willing to do this, then talk about deeper feelings. Talk about the future. Evaluate whether this man would make a good father.
This is going to be emotionally painful. But hang in there. It does get better.
I hope all of this helps. Feel free to ask more questions. Take care!
