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Followup To
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For a little background: I am 44, mother of three grown children,all good kids; one still at home temp. married for the 2nd time (almost 2 years)to a good man who is attentive, hard working, very caring, and very ornery, the father of troubled (troublesome)19 year old twin boys (who no longer live in our home), after being divorced for nearly 14 years; We live in the home that I bought 23 years ago and we are still fixing it up, with major repairs/reconditioning in progress. We live in mid Ohio area, gross about $70,000 between us, not sure what "class" that puts us in ;) w/ my income being the greater of the 2. I obviously married my husband because I fell in love with his heart and not his wallet. Now that we are living under the same roof, it is aggravating me to death and I do not know what to do about my feelings. I knew when I before I married him that he made less, and basically had nothing "asset" wise to bring into the marriage. (That's a complete other story)Over the past 6 years (4 b4 marriage) we have gone thru quite a lot of stress, w/his sons, 2 iraq deployments,(my son & son inlaw), deaths, health issues, work issues. I guess I feel I am bearing more of the load, financially and emotionally ( you have no idea of the stress w/dealing with the boys, no details at this time...too lengthy). I do love my husband but I do not know what to do with these feelings and am afraid if I do not sort it out, they will destroy our marriage and/or his confidence. Before we married he led me to believe he was going to seek better employment, but has made not attempt. I am grateful for his steady employment, but am disturb w/his paycheck and the hours and demands. He goes in at 4 a.m. which means he goes to bed earlier than the rest of us, 8 on good nights, so the house needs to be as quiet as possible for him, then I would be awakened every a.m. 4 hours b4 i would need to get up...causing me to be extremely exhausted week after week. I started sleeping separately this week on nights he works, to prevent this, but am not sure this is the answer to that problem. I really need some suggestions here. I try not to let the $'s part of it get to me but every time I go to pay bills, it does. I also worry about something happening to me and my children getting nothing. I realize some of my worries are found, but how do I keep them from ruining my marriage. Thanks for any suggestions you have
Answer -
Dear Kay,
You are right in addressing your feelings sooner rather than later. It is already effecting your sleep and your bank account. Unless you have mentioned your frustration about his lack of finding a better paying job or changing his hours then you've got a head start on him. Consider telling him that you love him and care for him very much. Let him know that you appreciate his steady job but are looking forward to your financial future and you would like to have more saved for your retirement or to fall back on should the need arise. Let him know that you are committed to making the marriage work and it now needs some work. Marriage is work and joy and so many other things so to let him know that your conerns are a part of whole and that addressing them will help all the other parts.
There are many ways to help your marriage- whether it's with a counselor (aamft.org), marriage retreat (equalityinmarriage.org- "Revitalize Your Marriage" and www.smartmarriages.com) or with the help of a book "Twelve Hours to a Great Marriage" by Markman
Perhaps he did not the extent at which you have been unhappy or put upon. Perhaps he can adjust his hours or find a new job that brings in more income. Not talking about it will be determiental to future communication with each other.You've been through a lot of changes and stress it's natural to feel that you've hit your limit. Be open and honest but do it in a safe caring atmosphere so he can feel that he can say he needs time to think about it (remember you have a head start) or that he can also offer up suggestions. Working together on a solution is great way to build your commitment.
I hope this helps+
Thank you. This is sound advice. I guess another problem I have is whenever my husband & I need to talk about something that needs resolved, he has a knack of telling me what I want to hear to avoid argument. I think, in hopes the subject will be dropped & forgotten about.We have never actually had an agrument. but we also have had very few, if any discussions. We have great fun together and have conversations, not discussions. It's good in away, but yet it leaves things unresolved. I have tried different approaches to get him to continue a discussion, but he is an expert. :) Any suggestions, short of being a "nag"? Thank you.
AnswerDear Kay,
One approach may be to tell him that while you appreciate his willingness to please and for him to SAY the things he knows you want to hear, that instead he try saying what he thinks. Let him know that you value his opinion and that your marriage is a safe place, so that if he does not agree with you, you won't run out the door and take everything he has.
Who wants to be a nag or be nagged. No one. The reasons people do it is because they don't feel they are being listened to and this is the case with your spouse. Something has to change or it will erode your marriage even more, when you could be building it for the better. I highly recommend working through the 12 Hours book I mentioned. It's for both couples to work on a team.
I hope this helps.
