QuestionQUESTION: After an arguement 9 days ago my husband said it was over and left. For one week he would sleep at the house while I was at work and then went to his in-laws house and even one night he spent at the ex wife's house.
He says he has not been happy for awhile now, he says he has tried.
I told him how could he have tried if he did not communicate with me. It takes two. One big disagreement we have is that he wants to spend a lot of his time at the ex wife's mothers house. The kids all live there ranging in age from 30yrs on down including the illegitimate children of the 30 year old. The kids there are smoking pot and one is currently doing extasy.
I have said they are welcomed at our home, but he likes to go there.
Now he says it is over. I spent a week going through hell over all of this and although I love him I know this is some sort of emotional abuse.
He is such a quick thinker, with an answer for everything.
Can this relationship be saved????
Also most of the belongings in the house have been purchased by me and he is offering to help with the rent but at the same time he is telling me the things he wants in the house, even though I remind him I bought those items, he doesn't care. Do I have rights regarding the things I purchased with my own money
Please help
ANSWER: Hi Sim~
He's entitled to 50% of the things incurred during the marriage, b/c this is considered marital property. However you don't have to give him the stuff right now. Tell him that he'll get his half of the marital property when a judge decides how to split it up. Until then give him only the things that are obviously his, his clothes, personal effects, etc. So the answer is you have a right to some of the things you've bought, yes. Just not everything.
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QUESTION: Now all of a sudden he is being nice. He says he loves me but he is not in love with me. Shall I try and salvage this relationship? Is there any hope for this? I do love him
ANSWER: Hi Sim~
Beware when he says this. He could be buttering you up in order to get the stuff from the house that he wants (keep in mind that he said he wanted some things (of his choosing) that you bought for the house). So he could be saying this long enough to clean you and the house out (speaking hypothetically, of course). Besides why all of the sudden did he have a change of heart; did he suddenly have an epiphany (yeah, sure he did).
At any rate you should be leery of any intentions he might have (whether they are good or bad). And you shouldn't trust him. At this point, I don't think you should do just anything, you need to ultimately decide what you want to do. The important thing is to go with your heart and do what's right for you. But until you make a decision, don't let him try and sweet talk you in to taking him back, when you're not fully ready to. Only time will tell what happens.
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QUESTION: I am sitting here reading your response and you were so perfectly correct. While I was gone he came over to my house and took many many things. All of my pots and pans, statues, two of my angels. He doesn't even appreciate the angels. There are other things missing also. I am in a state of horrific shock. You were right on the money describing his next move.
Yes he has a key to the house.
I tried so hard to do this amicablly, communicate and be fair. Why would he come in and rape the house for anything and everything he decided to have?
I place a call to him and told him to bring back my belongings. I explained that I believe that if I purchased something with my very own hard earned money then it belongs to me. I should have half the van but he can have it. At this point I just want my peace.
I do not know him any longer. He is nothing like the man I fell in love with.
Why would he go and take my belongings.
I was told to change the locks but I do not know how to change the locks.
Tell me what to do or plese tell me what I can expect next. I know he wants my computer, there is another one in the spare room and i told him i will set it up for him.
But at this point I love the man he was.
Please tell me I am safe right. I do not think he will cause me physical harm.
ANSWER: Hi Sim~
He's going in and taking your stuff b/c he can. He knows that this is one way he can get back at you. You can have the locks changed, I would strongly urge you to do this too. You can call a locksmith or you can do it yourself relatively easily. There are instructions that come with the locks. Most locks are universal and will all fit in the same sized hole (meaning an existing hole for current lock on the door). It's just a matter of unscrewing the screws, taking the old lock out (including the piece that slides into the knob that holds the door shut--the proper terms escapes me at the moment), and replacing it with the new lock/knob. You could always have a male friend help you, that has general knowledge of how to install one.
Since he's the one that decided to move out of the home, you have every right to change the locks. Especially since he's came into the home to remove personal property of yours, that doesn't belong to him.
If he keeps trying to do this (come into your home), then you might seriously consider checking into getting a restraining order on him to prevent him from entering the home. You could say you're in fear for your safety, b/c you never know what someone is fully capable of. Then you can have him arrested for trespassing on your property. Don't give him anything more of the marital property until a judge makes an order for it.
If you have any further questions/comments, please feel free to write back.
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QUESTION: Last night at work he called and threatened to go to court and go 50% of everything, things of which were just mine before we got together.
I was tired and in a state of panic, because I have always worked hard and I own two other pieces of property which family members reside on.
I called and left a message with him. I told him I didn't care about anything that he took and that I just wanted peace and I never wanted to see him again. I was shocked at my own words, but I had been praying. I went so far as to tell him that if he came near me I would kill myself, I never would, but I was at my wits end. I decided to pray and to just not worry about those tangible belongings.
I came home from work and laid on the sofa and I could hear him come in. He came in and was returning what he had taken except for the pots and pans. I was shocked and pretended to sleep.
He came over to the sofa and called me many times and I did wake up and he handed me $800 towards the house payment.
I did thank him and explained that we had agreed to keep everything amicable and communicate.
We did work out some of the belonging issues, he still thinks what is mine is his also. I have to compromise with his thought process.
We will not get back together, this conflict strategy of his, takes too much energy out of me. Maybe we can be cell phone buddies,
Is this headed in an amicable solution or am I headed for more problems trusting this man
Please still with me as I figure this out
ANSWER: Hi Sim~
Wow, that's very surprising that he returned what a took. Perhaps he realized what he'd done. At any rate, no you shouldn't trust him. If he's going to straighten up and act right, then fine. You can still remain on friendly terms and be civil to him when you must. You should only talk to him when it's absolutely necessary. He'll probably get ugly again though, so if/when that happens don't be surprised.
Oh and he's not entitled to anything that you had prior to marriage. That means property such as houses, car, etc. He's only entitled to what you purchased together as a married couple (thus it's called community property). He's sadly mistaken if he thinks he can get your house that are rental property (that your family is currently residing and renting from you).
At this point just take life one day at a time, and try not to let him stress you out. See you often teach a person how to treat you. And remember while you can't control the way he acts, you can control the way you react to him. Often times ignoring his ridiculous behavior, will make him stop. Don't give him the satisfaction of seeing you get mad.
Feel free to stay in touch as long as you need to. I have a few regulars that keep in touch with me and keep me updated on their progress or to still ask advice. :0)
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QUESTION: I thank you very very much and I want you to know I have survived. I have not seen or heard from him in over two months. I have rediscovered myself and my sense of humor which feels wonderful. Ok here is the question, I would like to date again and I am wondering if it is too soon. I have learned a lot from this past experience, I don't want any serious relationship, just a movie, cup of coffee, show. Do you think it would be alright at this time to pursue a simple date with a man
ANSWER: Hi Sim!
It's good to hear from you and that you're well. Yes, it's perfectly fine and acceptable for you to pursue dating again. Just make sure you're comfortable doing so (you're gut instinct will let you know if you are or not). Enjoy dating, just take it slow and one day at a time. If it ever feels like it's too much, too soon then don't hestitate to put the brakes on it. Go with your heart and do what's right for you and what makes you happy.
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QUESTION: I just wanted to share something with you. There is a good twist to all of this. This man who I enjoy speaking with at work, came right out and ask me to borrow $20 this morning at work. We are all nurses and we make the same amount of money, he wanted to borrow the money to purchase a TV. I thought it was odd and I told him NO. this new woman does not lend money to men, this new woman takes care of herself and stands up for herself. I was glad I said no because his response was a little shocking and told me something about his personality. His response to my "NO" was a loud "OH MAN" very immature for a 45 year old male. As much as I enjoy speaking with him, I immediately checked him off the list. One more thing, I ran into an old friend and she said I look happier and healthier and I added prettier and younger looking also. She agreed.
Just thought I would send you some good news for a change.
You were an incredible life saver. You were right on track with every one of my issues.
I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Have a great day
Sim
AnswerHi Sim~
That's great to hear, when someone writes be back with a success. I'm happy to hear that your life has changed for the better. And anytime I hear that I've helped someone change their life then everything I do to volunteer my time to help a person out, it's worth every bit of time and energy I spend doing this (which by the way is a lot LOL).
It sounded weird that he wanted 20 bucks for a tv? Since when can you buy a tv for 20 bucks. Anyway, you saw how incrediably immature he was by his response. But you know what? Whatever! And poop on him, what a jerk. That's his problem he can't manage his money well. I hope you stay in touch and give me updates from time to time. Take care.
