QuestionSamantha,
I am at a complete loss on what to do. My husband and I have been married for 3 yrs and 1 month. In the first week of December 2008 we separated. This separation was not discussed he just took things he wanted and left. We were having problems but nothing that I thought was so big we couldn't work on it. For the past 11 mths I have been trying to do anything and everything to make it work. He said that at this point he knows that it's not me, that I have done what I can, that it's him and he has changed and doesn't know what he wants. He has changed, and not in a good way, but nonetheless I still love him and I know that is not the "real" him and I don't want my marriage to fail. Throughout this separation he has told me on three different occasions that divorce is best but then he retracts that and hasn't filed. We are still having sex but that's it. He says that is the only thing that isn't wrong and without that connection he would feel like the situation is hopeless. He has no problem sexually connecting with me but emotionally he doesn't even try. I have an 11 yr old and my husband used to refer to him as son and my son would call him dad. (My husband was supposed to adopt him but it never happened) He completely cut my son off from talking to him and doesn't ask questions about him. Like he doesn't exist which is extremely hurtful. When my husband and I do talk (not often) he always finds something wrong i.e. I want to talk about our "relationship" and he just gets angry with me. I feel at this point that no matter what I do or don't do it's never enough for him and he is just looking for excuses to stay angry with me and not come back. I have never experienced anything like this before and I just don't know how to handle it or him. Should I not have any contact with him for awhile, should I keep trying to get him to emotionally connect, or should I just file and move on?
AnswerHi Nikki~
The drop dead deal breaker that would seal the deal for me would be him not having contact or anything to do with my son, if I were in your situation. He knew that when he went into this relationship and then marriage with you that it was a package deal. If he can't accept your son who is a part of you, he's dissing you and not accepting you for who you are and what you stand for and represent in life. And that is NOT okay by any means at all. It's hard to say what he's feeling and thinking and why he's over time changed his opinion and demeanor around your son and you. His actions and behavior are simply unacceptable and totally inappropriate and you and your son certainly deserve way better than what he's currently capable of giving you right now. He seems to have his priorities all wrong here and he's being very selfish for some reason right now (and believe you me, there is a reason he's behaving this way, but only he knows truly why that is).
The thing is you can't make him do something he's either unwilling or unable to do which is to go back to the person that you once knew him as. Maybe he's dealing with some things that you have no idea about, again it's hard to speculate what's really going on in that mind of his. But my point is that he can't keep taking it out on you and the kid, it's just not fair to do that. He has choices in life to make and he can't keep making up excuses of him not really knowing what's wrong with him, it's him not you, blah...blah...blah...., etc. You know? At some point in time his excuses have to stop and he has to be ready, willing and able to make changes for the positive and stop with the negativity and the multitude of excuses for why he's behaving this way. Otherwise, all they become are more excuses and so on. I think you get my drift here. If he's dealing with some form of depression then he needs to seek some treatment and help for it. There is help out there is you know where to look, he has to take some initiative and do something for himself. Otherwise he risks losing you and your son. Which in fact might be a good wake up call for him. You can't keep living this way that's for sure. If you do then for sure it's only going to keep getting worse and worse as time goes on. And you and your son definitely do not need more drama in your life.
To cut to the chase you need to give him some guidelines to what it is that you want, need, desire, deserve and expect in this marriage, and if he's incapable of giving it to you then you're going to be forced to move on with your life w/o him in it. Do not feel that you have to wait around forever either. Do what's right and what feels right for you (and your son, first and foremost b/c that's the most important thing that matters right now in your life and your son should be your main focus not your husband) everything else is last and can wait. Focus on what you need to do to make yourself better and for you and your son to be happy, healthy and provided for, at the end of the day that's all that truly matters.
But to answer your questions, Tell him what you expect of him and if he can't deliver tell him you're out of there and then you file for a divorce. If that means you have no contact with him (besides only when absolutely necessary) then so be it. Stop the sex with him too, or he'll keep coming to you and expecting it. This will only prolong your problems and keep you emotionally, mentally and physically attached to him and you do not need that. If he's not putting forth that effort to make thing work with you and accept your son, then bottom line he's not worth your time and energy (sad to say but very true). Actions speak louder than words ever can. I hope this helps you some.
