QuestionFirst of all, my husband and I married young at 19. We have always had our problems, but went on. Lately, I believed us to be doing excellent--we would go out together date-like once a week on Sundays (I went to school and worked and he worked 12 hours a day six days a week, so Sunday was our only day off together). I believe it all started when my husband came home from work and mentioned that his friend from work asked him to join a bowling league that bowled on Sundays. He was looking for my opinion. When mentioned I said "well, right now its our only day off together and we've been going out, but I am done with school next week and we will still get to spend time together then if you decide you want to do this". He was like "well, I dont know yet". He expressed no displeasure form my response at the moment. He then came home from work two nights later saying that he had told his friend he would join the team. I said "cool". Well he then starts to bowl a lot during the week. The first week it started I was in school. The next week I noticed he started going more frequently and longer time periods. I was bored and wanted to hang out with him, not knowing what to do with myself since school was out, so I mentioned wanting to go bowling with him. He let me go once. Afterwards when I would ask to go, he said "she will charge me if you go, and she doesn't charge me to bowl, so I don't want you going." The girl at the front desk I seen when I went with him the one time seemed polite and decent-looking. He mentioned that she would come down and talk with him and bowl with him while he was there, also. I tried to be as supportive and enthusiastic about everything as possible. 3 Saturdays ago, he ignored me all day and treated me like dirt. I was as nice as possible (I think I am too nice, feel like I bow down). I had to work the next day, and while I was at work, he hung out with his best friend that bought a house across the street from us (we just bought a new house a little over a year ago). I got home from work shouting "honey, I'm home!" and ran upstairs to greet him, putting together a book case. He said "I found something out about you". I knew it couldn't be anything bad, because I hadn't done anything wrong, so I said "well, what is it, lets talk about it." He said "just shut up and go away". I said "honey, come on what is it, lets talk". He then stood up, waved the hammer and said "get the fuck away from me". So I went downstairs. The next morning while he was sleeping, I was thinking that he found whatever it was out from the friend he hung out with. His friend's wife was the only person who knew anything about me, and I had not talked to her in about 6 months. I did not have her number in my phone when I looked, so I got it out of my hubby's phone (because we are mutual friends so he would have her number). I got it out and called the wife. She said "I knew you were a little unhappy back then like I was, but that is all you told me and all Anthony (the friend) could have known". As I looked for her number, her name being 'Kelly', I saw the girl from the bowling alleys' number ('Jess') in there right before 'Kelly'. When my hubby woke up, he looked at his phone and said "why were you going through my phone?!?" and I told him to get her number out. He then did not talk to me until we started arguing about it the next night. He said a series of things like "I don't know why I'm married,I dont know what I want, I wonder if there is someone else who can make me happier, you pissed me off when you said I couldnt join the bowling league (when I did NOT), you get on my fucking nerves and thats why I started going bowling every day to get away from you". He said we could not be in the same house together. I thought he wanted to end it all but we settled on a separation. After being moved in with my Dad for a week, he still decided he wanted to call and talk to me everyday. It hurt me really really bad. In one of our phone conversations, he mentioned going to look at a bigger truck (he just bought a brand new 2008 Ford Ranger 2 months ago, and traded in a 2003 Ford F150 for it). He has traded in and taken negative equity on 4 different vehicles in the past year. Well, we agreed that it was not a good idea for him to purchase or trade in another vehicle until we knew what we were going to do about us because we are still married and our credit affects each other. He called me before he went to work last Friday night bragging about the new leased Tundra he got for trading in his brand new Ranger. He did not consult me on this like we agreed. He knew I would be totally against it. A lease especially. I think he is crazy. He definetely cannot afford it AND the new $1100 a month house, especially with me not living there and helping. When we separated before he got this truck behind my back, he told me he couldn't afford all of the bills and that I would need to pay the electric bill at least. He took out a $5,000 loan earlier in the year without my consent or even mentioning it, too. Guess what? He is trying to be all sweet and missing me now that he needs me back to help pay for stuff. I met him at the movie theater last night to see a movie, and he wanted me to see his 'new truck' first, so I was polite, and did. While we sat there, I calmly asked about the truck, saying "I thought we agreed that you would wait to do this since we were separated". He said "i don't want to see a movie with you anymore, so get out and go back home--you know, I was actually planning on talking about you coming home again too". I tried to plead and cried. I felt rejected again. I can't be myself around him or express any opinions. We are married anyway--isn't he supposed to consult me before engaging in any kind of financial entanglement? Should I stay and try to work things out with this crazy man or get out while I have the chance and I am still 23 years old? I don't want this kind of hate and anger to ruin my life. We don't have kids yet, either.
AnswerHi Mellisa~
You can't allow him to treat you like crap and degrade you a moment longer. If you continue to put up with this, then he's most certainly going to keep doing it over and over. He's a very arrogant, self-centered jerk right now. And the way he's being is totally rude, crude and simply unacceptable and inappropriate. Something is obviously up with him and this other woman. I'll explain to you why. He's going bowling all the time (she doesn't just happen to work there either), her number is in his phone, his personality has changed since he's been going "bowling", he's degrading you and putting you down, turning things around on you and accusing you of things you're not doing, lying to you more, etc, etc.
He does this b/c he knows you'll put up with it, you must put an end to it once and for all. See, a person can only take so much of something before they break. The question to ask yourself is when is your breaking point? How much of this are you willing to put up with before you finally say, NO MORE?! When does enough become enough?
He has no respect for you otherwise he wouldn't be behaving the way he is. In a marriage you don't make big purchases w/o consulting your spouse. That's just a given and it's wrong to do otherwise. Maybe he's just not marriage material.
You need to sit down with him and have a serious heart to heart talk with him. He needs to know exactly how this is affecting you. And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage. He can't talk to you and treat you like crap any more. You simply can't allow it, if you it's only going to get worse as time goes on. He can't make you feel inferior w/o your permission. So while you can't control how he acts, you do control how you react to him (and to others). The choice is yours on whether to stay or go. However, it is my personal opinion that you shouldn't stay in a marriage that's unhealthy, unhappy and unfulfilling (and abusive, and he's an abuser). At the very least you should separate from him and get out of this miserable situation.
The bottom line here is to go with your heart and do what's right for you and what makes you happy. It's not about him anymore. You have to start thinking of yourself and your well-being.
