Question Dear Doctor Becky;
I am a 54 year old American man, a teacher and long time ex-pat. I am currently teaching in Asia. As an ex-pat, I try to limit my relations with the native women because I have seen too many men trapped in situations out of their control. But, recently I fell in love with a wonderful woman 20 years my junior.
She is also a teacher, but she has had a very rough life. Her father is an alcoholic; and, when she was a child, he would beat her, so her mother put her in a Buddhist orphanage to protect her. She ran away from the orphanage when she was 14 and lived on the street. She was raped several times. Finally, an old woman took her in and gave her a home. In highschool, she became pregnant and married the wealthy father; but, after 5 years of a loveless marriage, he abandoned her and his two children. To his credit, he did give her about $110,000 before he walked away. She still has the money. I mention the latter only to eliminate the gold-digger aspect because she is better-off than I.
I, of course, did not know any of this information in the begining. When, we were, in the first stages of our relation, everything seemed normal. Her children love me; and, at my age, I am thrilled to have a family again. All and all, outside the bedroom, we have a wonderful life. In the bedroom, we do have sex on occaision; it may be a matter of semantics, but we do not make love. She doesn't like to be touched except for sex; she doesn't like to kiss, and she hates to be seen nude except for sex; eventhough, she has a body most Asian women would kill for; it drives me crazy.
I realize that her tramatic childhood, loveless marriage and being abandoned on several levels is probably at the root of the problem. My only plan to gain her trust and intamcy is to be infintly patient, kind and genltle. But, I believe that patience alone is not going to work because we have reached a certain plateau; this plateau, I fear, may be as good as it gets. I have read many studies on relationships and intacy, but none of them seem to address a situation like mine. The real problem, for me, is that she seems happy and comfortable with the way things are, and I, on the other hand, want her to give herself to me as I have done for her. Do you have any suggestions for moving the process forward, or should I just be happy and satisfied with the way things are and just hope things turn to my favor in time?
Thank You so much for your time Dr. Becky. I really appreciate your help. And, it is very generous of you and your collegues to provide this service. It is especially great for me being a half a world away, with very limited English speaking friends. Thanks Agin, Dennis
AnswerHi Dennis,
Thanks for writing and hello to you!
What I know about people is that the only thing we can change is ourselves. What I am hearing you saying is that you have an idea in your head about what your relationship might be, and you'd like to know what can be done to get it there. Of course, Buddha said that the cause of all misery and suffering is resisting what is, and wishing things to be different than what they are.
The only thing any of us can change is ourselves. In relationship, it is perfectly fine, however, to express to your mate what your needs are. To me, love is action, and to love someone is to want to meet their needs. You can tell your mate your needs, and hopefully she will work "not" decision would mean to end the relationship.
I like your plan to be infinitely patient. This may work over time. I have worked with clients in similar situations, though, and I wouldn't count on more than about a 5-10 percent change.
I hope this answers your question, and I wish you the best.
Doctor Becky
