QuestionHello,
I have been married for about 7 months now. I have been with my husband for over a year. We both came into this relationship with children (he has a 4 year old and I have a 3.5 year old) I got pregnant and had another child a couple months ago with him. he was married to his ex and I have never been married before. Well she is always in our business. The reason they were divorced was because she cheated on him while he was away in boot camp for the military. Now, he's over in Iraq and I have to deal with her crap. So, like I was saying, she's super into our business and constantly is contacting him through the e-mail and such and I just don't like it. It's not that I'm jealous or anything, but I don't like it at all. She complains to him about me, like for instance, this weekend, I was suppose to pick up my step-son for Christmas, but on Sunday so the holiday was already over. I made my daughter wait, to open gifts until they were together. Well, I had spent Christmas with his family and stayed out pretty late. I spoke with him at 4 in the morning and fell back to sleep, I overslept and called her to let her know that I was going to feed the baby (only a couple months old) and that I would be over to pick him up. She called me back and told me to forget it, cause her boyfriend had her son and that he couldn't wait around for me all day. Ok I was going to be 2 hours late, not too much it was only 10am AND I called to apologize. Not much wrong there. Well, since I couldn't get him, I was talking with my mother-in law about it and she wanted to give his ex a piece of her mind so I gave her, his ex's phone number. Well needless to say, she e-mailed my husband and complained about this and he e-mailed me back, taking her side. I don't know what's wrong with this, but it doesn't make me feel comfortable, and doesn't make me want to be with him. I love him with all my heart, but I don't think I should be put in second place if you know what I mean. Secondly, he is constantly e-mailing her to update him on what's going on with me and my children. I could understand if they were conversing about his child with her but, I don't see why she needs to have any kind of info about my family? My husband wanted me to have my step son while he was gone so he could get to know my new son and to keep in contact with us, well since August, I have only seen him 2 times and both were on her convienience. I just don't know what to think. And I constantly tell him that he's putting me second to her and I'm not sure he understands what I'm saying. How do I tell him this without sounding like a total b*tch. I don't contact my ex and complain about his new wife, or complain about our daughter. I'm trying to start a new life, with my new husband, and I think he's stuck in the past, like he has to listen to her or something. If you have any advise, that would be wonderful.
Thank you.
AnswerDear Nicole,
Let me start off by saying everyone is right and wrong at the same time. When it comes to family, past and present add to that a dad and husband in a war zone cut everyone a little slack. Emotions always run high around the holidays and having a husband away and a new born at home are not exactly the easiest of situations. So take a deep breath.
Now that you recognize that you are in a stressful and highly emotional situation think about what it is you want and why. What goals do you have personally, just for you? what goals do you have for your new born, for your strengthening your relationship with your spouse while he is away (bickering about ex wives and who said what and who did what is near impossible to resolve from thousands of miles away). Passing phone numbers around so everyone can give a piece of their mind is not necessarily constructive.
Your husband will always have an ex wife and child with her- finding a way to deal with her is a must. Recognizing that she misses him too (the father of her child) maybe a place to start. Her emailing him to complain about you and vice versa can lead to no resolution. He is unable to do anything but recognize that there are two women in his life, each has a child of his and he can't be there to help you sort it out.
Perhaps making an agreement - that all of you will move forward and beyond the disagreements, for the best interests of your children, to recognize that feelings and emotions are running high, and that for all to move forward you must try hard to be respectful, call when late (which you did), etc. You don't have to be best friends, just be as respectful as you possibly can.
You are all in different places in your relationship with this man. He can only do so much from where he is.
His emailing her-perhaps he needs all the support he can get - as much connection as he can muster while he is away from his loved ones. As you noted, his emailing her bothers you so let him know why and be clear as to why. Being honest with yourself and with him is important, especially when you can not see each other face to face.
I hope this was helpful. I must say I am not a therapist and would recommend that you speak with someone who has experience working with families who have loved ones in a war zone. Try contacting his base for family services.
