QuestionI have been with the same man for almost twenty years and I have three children with him. We have had a very hard rocky marriage which has consisted of adultery, alcoholism, and mental abuse (to a small degree). My husband has become so very mean to me and my children that we are tired of listening to him. We walk on egg shells around him all the time. I finally had enough and told him he needed to leave. When I did he got so upset, started crying and calling both of our mothers to help him out. The problem is, I have allowed my heart to harden towards him that I don't know if he can fix it now. I know I love him but I am not in love with him right now.
I have also been talking to someone else. He says he truly has fallen in love with me, however I know the difference between love and lust, and sense this man has never touched me, I don't feel I have completely crossed the line.
My questions is, how do I know if I should leave my husband and start a new life being a single Mom. Should I give my husband more time to try and change or do I realize that he has not changed in years he's not going to change now.
AnswerHi Jeni~
That's really a hard call to make for someone in your situation. But you're feelings for him have changed and his wanting to change all these many years later, are, well, a little too late it seems. You've taken all that you can take from him. It's time you finally decided to do something about it. And now that he's realized you're not taking his crap anymore, he's panicking and he's begging you to give him that one more chance. Face it he has a lot to lose if you leave him and kick him out of your life once and for all. He won't have you around to be there when he needs something done, if you have children young enough or in college still, he'll have to pay CS (child support) for them. If you work he won't have your income to pay bills, money for things he wants, etc. He might even be court ordered to pay you alimony, and you'll also be entitled to up to half of his pension/retirement if applicable. So now he's suddenly motivated to try and change and this is why he's going to extremes to keep you there.
The problem with his doing this is one it's a huge turn off to watch a grown man act like this. He should've known that this was bound to happen sooner or later b/c of the way he's treated you and the children. You've wised up to his antics and frankly it sounds like you've just grown tired of him and his actions, period. It's now up to you to make the final decision on what you're going to do next and where you're going to go from here on out. I like you put up with my first husband's crap for 5.5 yrs. I finally got tired of it and of trying to make the marriage work and he did nothing to try on his part. I finally decided that enough was enough and I deserved way better than he was capable of giving me (and our 3 children). This wasn't the first time either that I told him to leave. He begged me not to make him leave, not to divorce him, blah...blah...blah. Like you I hardened my heart towards him long before I kicked him to the curb.
In situations like this it's a personal choice for everyone on what to do and where to go next. It sounds like you really know what you're going to do way deep down inside, perhaps you just want confirmation that you're doing the right thing. And from all that you've described, yes, you're doing the right thing by leaving him and moving on with your life w/o him in it. He made his choices and made his proverbial bed now he's got to lie in it and face the consequences of all the years he treated you badly. He's not wanting to do that though, so right now he'll do and say anything that he thinks you want to hear from him (oldest trick in the book when it comes to men and their desperation and great lengths they'll go to to use it). It's in instances like this that you have to be and stay strong and not fall for anymore lies and mind games. The likelihood of him ever changing is pretty slim to nil b/c he's probably set in his ways, and it'd only be a matter of time before history began to repeat itself once again. And then for what? All of this that you did to get out would've been in vain to leave him. This is why you can't let him try to sob story you into taking him back. That's my opinion on this whole issue though.
But to answer your question, how do you know if you should leave and start a new life? Well, what does your gut instinct tell you to do? Listen to it, it'll never steer you wrong. After all it's there for a reason and that's to tell you when something feels right or when it doesn't. I don't think you should give him another chance. He's burned his bridges and had 20+ yrs to change his ways, as I said before, it seems to be a little too late for that now. And there's no guarantee he'll change anyway. He can tell you anything, but actions speak louder than words ever can. Words mean nothing, but only when they're back up by actions. A good indicator of future behavior is past behavior. And again as I said earlier history has a way of repeating itself. The choice is ultimately yours and it's one that only you can make. Do what's right for you and what makes you happy, this isn't about him anymore, it's now suddenly about you and your children, and if that means moving on with your life w/o him in it, then so be it.
