Navigating Marital Difficulties After Two Years - Seeking Change

Question
Hi...I am trying very hard to feel differently about my marriage than I do, but it seems to be getting more difficult.  For the four years that we've been married, my husband and I have an unusual situation due to the fact that it is a second for both of us and we kept both homes (60 miles apart) because we each have children at home that we didn't want to uproot (his are 16 and 18...I have 23-year old twins that attend the local college) and up until a month ago, he has had his parents living with him.  Up until November, things worked out okay...we would spend the work week in my city and the weekends in his so that he could be available to his children.  In November, Tom made the decision to stay in his city to spend more time with his parents after his Mother was diagnosed with terminal cancer.  I understood the fact that he was needed to help out wherever possible and for moral support for his Dad.  Tom's Mother passed away a month ago, but now we're living our lives apart during the week so that his Dad can adjust to life without his wife.  I know that Tom has responsibilities to his Dad and wants to be there for him, but it's hard for me not to wonder when he's going to feel a responsibility toward his marriage and a wife that has needs, too?  I have a widowed mother and know how difficult things can be, but it's been almost four months now and I've reached the point whee I want to move forward in our lives without always having to set it aside for something or someone else.

Answer
Dear Debi,
Yes, I completely understand your dilemma. It makes it hard for you to say anything or be upset about this due to his loss and the hardship his father is going through. Although four months seems like such a long time and so much has happened during this period. It was good that he spent extra time with his mother and it is probably easier for him and his father to grieve and get used to a life without her. The kids are most likely having a tough time too and as you know, the teenage years are already tough. I know that you want to have him home and that 4 months is quite a long time, but he probably feels that he can't get up and leave when everyone there is having such a hard time. He knows that his father may not have that long to live (now that he just saw his mother die within such a short time) and he knows that the children will soon be out of the house and living their own life. He is probably feeling that he is losing time and he may sense that this might be the last time that they can all be together, living in one house. I'm sure he feels the guilt about leaving his family and I'm sure he feels the guilt about staying far from you, but he knows that they need him more right now. The best thing for you to do and the absolute best way to keep your marriage strong and make him adore you more than ever, is to do a 180 degree turn and tell him that he should stay there for another month or two. Tell him that you love him enough to know that he needs to spend this time with his family. Let the guilt that he has for not seeing you diminish so that he feels better about the situation and so that he does not have so much pressure on him. After he comes home, he will be ready and he will not feel like he had to. He will be excited about coming home and he will love you more than he has ever loved you since you understood his situation and you cared about his feelings. He will never forget how compassionate you were and how much you wanted them to have that last bonding time. Also, his family will appreciate your thoughts and feelings in letting him stay as well. This will make the relationship between all of you so much better as well. For the next couple months, just keep remembering that this is for him and for the stability and strength for your future with him. Even you will feel great by telling him this and you will all be happier in the end. Thank you for writing. It is good that you looked for another perspective. Sometimes when we are in the midst of the situation, it becomes difficult to do something different. All we want is to live our happy life with all the ones we love right there with us. It is so hard when these situations arise, since it can change our daily life dramatically. Keep busy. Hopefully it will go by quick!
Take care and best wishes!
Kiya