QuestionDear Becky,
I am a 47 and my husband is 45. This is my second marriage and his first. We have been together for 9 years and married 5. I have 3 children from my previous marriage (24 yo son, 20 yo son and 17 yo daughter) and he has no children. However lately I have been feeling as though I have 4 children. Dean and I did not jump into this marriage carelessly, however, I do wish I knew a few more things about his up bringing back then. I have always tried to teach my children the necessity of responsibility, not just financially, but time, and pretty much everything in between. It is not always easy, but I think they are starting to understand. My husband on the other hand is oblivious to necessities of life and future. However, why would I expect him to have that type of knowledge when he never had to understand what it took. He and his brother were sent to a military boarding school from middle school through high school and went straight into the military after. After about 9 years he quit because he didn't like where the military was sending him. He went to college, got a BS in psychology we "because it was easy and looked good on a resume, even though his heart was in Forestry, He worked for several years afterward at a bookstore until he moved here and I met him. I encouraged him to find a job that he would like and for the past 8 years has been working as a cable installer for a local cable company. I recently found out that his mother, that he spoke so highly of because she got her Masters Degree at a later age, actually achieved this goal after she had quit her job for 4 years and retired. She never put her education to use. She was only approximately 45 when she received her degree but her 2nd husband decided to retire and so she decided the same. I was raised pretty much the total opposite you have to work for what you want so you better like your work. I am now realizing that I have to teach my husband responsibility financially and personally. If I don't mention to him something that needs to be done, he will not notice it or attempt to do it. For example, I can bring up that the grass in the yard looks pretty long, he'll agree with me, he�s off the next 3 days, but he doesn't attempt to do anything about it.
This has come up because I have noticed lately that my husband has been taking out additional amounts of money from our account, than what we agreed on. I had brought this to his attention about 6 months ago, which at that time he seemed to genuinely understand. After about a month it began again. I kept an eye on the account and after about 2 months and I once again brought it to his attention. This time I was not so kind and understanding. I told him exactly how I felt that I am not his mother and I was done being the only responsible adult in the house.
Shortly after my outburst he informed me that he was unhappy with his job because it doesn't seem as though he�s going anywhere. However this is because of himself. He was disorganized and scatter brained which did not allow him to get the production points necessary daily. I gave him some suggestions and his supervisor gave him some of the same suggestions to improve his productivity. Okay, then he began speaking of going back to school. This was mind boggling to me. At his age, this economy he should not be looking for a job. Plus we (I) have my daughter and her education to think of.
Basically to make a very long story somewhat short, my husband has no respect for time or money. I have tried to talk with him but as I've recently discovered, he was brought up with everything taken care of for him, he's never witnessed any type of struggling, so why would he respect the struggle and sacrifice for financial responsibility? The example above in which the money spending situation was brought to his attention, he watched himself very closely for about a month, than, like most children, he started the same stuff all over again.
I am actually exhausted with trying to explain and then on top of it trying to deal with it. Every month when I pay the bills and I notice the amount of money that has been unnecessarily spent instead of put into our savings, it irritates me more. I understand and acknowledge that I very likely contributed by taking care of things for the first 3 to 4 years of our marriage, but the past year I have really been trying to get him to be more responsible and take care of things.
It has been over a month and there has been no effort on his part to do anything other than the same. We are living basically as roommates except I'm the one taking care of everything. Of course I'm the one that has the most to lose. We treat each other cordial and that about it. I've thought about counseling but I don't know when we would be able to go since we only have one day off a week together, Saturday, and Sunday through Wednesday, I lucky if he makes it home before I go to bed. Thursday and Friday evenings might work if he doesn't have something else planned.
My question is, what can I do if anything? If not to help him understand and step up then to help myself to handle this situation. Its getting difficult for me to sit in the same room with him because I don't understand why he chooses to be so irresponsible. I feel this same way with my children at times, but this is a 45 year old man, I should be able to depend on him. My first divorce was extremely draining and horrible, I don't want to go through anything like that again. Actually I don't think I could go through that again. I'm really at my wits end. Our relationship feels as though it is an empty shell and our future - well, that's even more frightening.
Please help.
Thanks Dawn
AnswerHi Dawn,
Thanks for writing. I am sorry that you are so unhappy in your marriage. I do think marriage counseling is a wise idea ... I imagine that if you both had physical injuries you would find the time to go to a doctor to help you feel better and get well, and seeing how miserable you are and how you hated the divorce experience, why won't you do that for your marriage?
For now, it sounds to me like you spend a lot of time focusing on fixing your husband, who plays the role of the naughty little boy being constantly disapproved of and corrected by his "mother" who -- of course -- knows a better way. The problem is, this never works. In fact, when naughty little boys get harped on by their mothers, they usually decide that they can't let her win, because they can't allow harping and, yes, nagging to have a positive payoff. So, what they do is give her lip service such as, "Yes mom, I will do that," or "Yes mom, I need to be better about that," and then don't do whatever is is they said they would. From my perspective as a therapist, what I see is that Mom gets exasperated and drags the boy to the counselor and says, "Fix him! What do I do? Help!!"
And guess what? The answer is for the mom to leave the boy alone and give him the space to come around on his own. It is an absolute guarantee that if she continues to point out the areas in which he is a failure in her eyes he NEVER will come around, and he WILL end up deeply resenting her. I believe that is where you find yourself today in your marriage. If you continue to point to the areas in which you think your husband is deficient, you take away all the space he needs to be a success as a man, in his career, and as a loving husband.
I urge you to stop being in a parental or teaching role with this man. That is not the place of a partner. In the end, you have three choice: to accept him the way he is, to try and change the situation -- as a loving partner and not as a person who "knows and does better," or to end the marriage. You must approach this situation with loving compassion and as a partner. You can tell him once what your needs are ... but then it is up to him if he does that. If he doesn't, you have an important decision to make.
In marriage it doesn't work to try and change your partner, and it helps to understand that the only thing you can control and change is yourself. Be loving and caring. That's what he needs.
Good luck, and I I hope this helps.
Doctor Becky
