QuestionMy husband and I have been married for 18 years. We married in our early 20's. After we married he became very controlling and talked to me as if I was a child and not his wife. Three years into our marriage I had a 1 night affair with a co-workeer which was just that. We never had any contact after that. My husband found out and forgave me. In the past year I've noticed that he has been distanct from me, not very much conversation, no effection shown towards me. We still have sex but it's as if its normal routine. There is this girl that works at a convenient store and because of the family business they do alot of business there. My husband has always been a talker towards anyone but I've noticed he has been mentioning her name regularly. At first I tried not to be jealous about it. On occasions he has told me how they have alot in common - like simuliar family issues, they enjoy some of the same hobbies and have some of the same interest. One morning I found a piece of paper that had a lot of scribbling on it but among it was "I love Keisha" in a heart. When I asked him he denied having any connection with her in that fashion-- it was just scribbling. I took his word and tried to move on. Then the other day I found in his pocket 2 movie tickets. He denied knowing what I was talking about. I gave him an ultimatium and the next day after lots of begging him to tell me the truth, he owned up to it. They met up at the movies. He told me that nothing else has happened between them. He says he really enjoys her conversation and wants to continue to be friends with her. He asked me if he could have a "Girl Friend". His definition of girl friend is not having sex with her but being able to talk to her from time to time on the phone. He has said that I could have a guy friend and it would not bother him. I'm shock and devistated that he would think I would approve. I offered to give him a seperation or divorce to do whatever he want but I was willing to share him. He told me he does not want to seperate or get a divorce because he loves me and to be with me and wants me to forget that he ever asked to have her as a friend. I'm at a lost. Is he emotionally involved with her? Could he lover her and love me too? Do you think he want an open marriage. Is it possible he has found a connection with her but because we have been together for so long he don't want to loose what he know. How should I handle this? What should I do???
AnswerHi Constance~
He could very well be emotionally involved with her, which is way worse than him having a physical affair with her. An emotional bond is more involved and detailed to where they have a connection with another person, and where they even give their heart and trust to this other person. An affair, period, is the ultimate betrayal in a marriage. Maybe he's just being friendly with her at this point, but along the way he has indeed developed feelings for her, hence the scribble of "I love Keisha" that you found. And he's either in denial about these feelings or he doesn't want to come clean and tell you the truth for fear of hurting or even losing you. You and he have a history together and so he has a lot to lose in a divorce, financially, property wise, etc. Not to mention you're both used to being around each other, have a history you've built together and so on.
You need to try and sit down with him and have a serious heart to heart talk with him. He needs to know how this is affecting you. And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage. Letting him be involved with another women even with your consent is not what a true marriage is about, it'll only cause more problems than you'll ever imagine (should that be what you'd ever agree to, in order to keep him happy and to stay in the marriage). It doesn't sound like he wants an open marriage, but that he does love you and really wants to remain with you. He wants to have an outlet to vent to, have someone to talk to, share things with someone that he has common interests in, etc.
I think you need to confront him with what you suspect, and talk to him about it, giving him a chance to explain his actions to you, you both need to lay all your cards out on the table and be brutally honest with each other, and to ultimately figure out what to do with this marriage and where to go from here on out. It's unfair to you and to him to not discuss what's clearly going on in this marriage and he's checked out. He owes it to you to tell you what he's feeling and thinking, otherwise you're not going to know what's going on in his mind and what he's currently dealing with. Talk to him about this and try to resolve this issue, you might have to be persistent and consistent in order to get him to really talk to you about just what's going on with him. As his wife you have the right to know, since it involves you and your marriage could be at stake here. The not knowing is killing you and he has some explaining to do, you deserve that much at the very least. So that you can determine what to do and where to go from here on out.
