QuestionQUESTION: My husband left his ex girl friend of 7 years back at his home country to pursue me. After 3 months of dating, I got pregnant. We were happy and plan to get married. But after that his family disagree and wanted him back to his ex gf whom they was talking about marriage before he broke up with her. He broke up with me when i was just 3 months pregnant. I continue with the pregnancy. The girl email me nasty remarks to ask me stay away from him because he came back due to his job. We meet often and he claim he still love me but then he wants to be with her. I accepted it and try my best to move on with my heart torn to millions of pieces. To my surprise after some months passed, he came back to me saying that he regret. I was happy as my baby finally has a father and I still loves him. We were happy and soon my baby is borned. His family pressure his to go back to his country after the baby is borned not long. I was reluctant to let him, but then i wish to respect him as i know he misses his family so i let him go.
After he went back supposely to be a week, he extended for another week. He cuts off contact with me on just the 2nd day back. I was in tears the whole time as i cannot contact him. When he comes back he told me that he cannot let go of his ex and that he wanted both side as he claim he still love me and our baby. He lie that he did not contact her as i told him if he contacted her means the end of us, no more contact from me and our baby. He barely come to see me and baby and even refuse to answer a simple question of do you still love me. After one month of just closing my eyes, I confronted him about the separation. Only after that he treats me all loving once again and even tell me that he still love me and baby. Why he has to only treat me nice when i wanted out? After that i confront him again about him contacting her, he show me everything thinking that he has clear all evidents but unfortunately he left out. It is obvious that they are together but he just keep lying saying that they are just friends. I asked him to stop if he values our marriage and family. he refuses. After all the quarrel and discussion, he ask me just to "close one eye" and let him be as he does not want a break up. Then a temporary separation was agreed. He asked me to wait for him. To me the reason why is that that girl family has not accepted him. I am just an insurance / constingency plan to him.
To me,what i see and what i feel, he is making her the first priority, his every action, decision revolves around her.He does not show that much care and affection for me and his baby now.
Yes i do still love him and in a way hope that he will come to his senses and come back to us but then reality now shows otherwise. What is the point if he is going to keep changing his mind everytime he goes back and that girl won't let go as well.
The question Should i just move on with my baby since this is already the second time him leaving us? And that he is selfish enough to have two - one wife and one girlfriend back home.
Thank you and hope to hear from you soon. I am in need of some opinion on my situation.
ANSWER: Hi Angel~
He's insulting your very intelligence by playing mind games with you. He's a cheater and he's taking pure advantage of you and this other women b/c currently you're both putting up with his nonsense. This has to stop and something has to give somewhere, and that's most likely going to have to start with you putting an end to this once and for all. Otherwise, it's only going to continue on and it'll get that much worse as time goes on. He wants the best of both worlds and that's to have you as his wife, and her as his GF to play around with and cause heartache and problems and more drama down the road. You have to ask yourself is he really worth all of this, and that answer should be a clear and resounding heck no! You're worth way more and you deserve better than he's currently capable of giving you and your baby. You'll have to take matters into your own hands and make that decision for you and your baby. And do what's in your best interest and that's to ultimately let him go and move on with your life. That's not the way he husband is supposed to act at all. The choice is yours and it's one that only you can make.
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QUESTION: Thank you for the advice. I really appreciate you taking time for me.
I work in the same place with him. I only have this job to support my baby and myself. The management is already unhappy about our situation and has warn if there is more dramas, i may face retrechment. He is of higher rank therefore i dont think there is anything going to happen to him. As what I understand the girl wants him to continue to work here instead of going back to his home country as he wont be able to earn as much. I do not understand why she is doing this. I fear she is playing with my husband as well. If she really loves him, he should go back to her and be with her.
Now we are separated for about a week. I bought books on how to save marriages hoping to work things out. Most people advise me to just be patient and wait things out. This is a small community, it is not easy to move on just like that. I ask myself why i am so stupid for not able to let go this man completely. Everyday I tell myself to just move on as he does not love this family anymore. I do not know who and where to turn to for help. Therapy and counselling is just too expensive for me. I fear the future for myself and especially for my dear baby.
I know that he is lying to her as well. As he do not want to break up with me. Always using our baby as an excuse. You are right this will take a long time for things to end.
Thank you once again for your advice and time. I really do appreciate it.
AnswerHi Angel~
The most important thing here is you and the baby. Yes, it will take some time for you to ultimately decide what to finally do about all this, and you certainly can't afford to lose your job over this, especially if another one isn't so readily available. You have to do what's right for you and what makes you happy. So for now you might have to bide your time and put up with him for a little longer until you can fully decide what to do and what's in your best interest at hand and that of your precious baby. You may have to stick this marriage out a little while longer and plan for your future w/o him and figure out what to do about all this (i.e-save up some money if possible, plan for your future and make sure you have security and do things right and leave the marriage, but as you know that takes some planning and strategy too). That doesn't mean you have to be intimate with him or have a real relationship with him, etc. Do what you need to do and look after yourself and your daughter, if he can play you for a fool, the feeling can be mutual and you can do him like he's doing you (not meaning to pursue other relationships or anything, but using him to support your daughter, stash away some future money to ultimately leave him, etc, etc). Let him think you are dumb, but in the end he will be the one that's played and look like a fool, b/c he's acting like one. You are smarter than he thinks you are, so use that to your advantage. I'm sorry you're having to go through this, but in the end you can use him as a tool, and come away a better person. It's seriously his loss and not yours when you're finally ready and able to move on from him. You just have to wait for the right time.
