Dealing with a Partner's Prolonged Unemployment: A Relationship Guide

Question
I've been with my husband for 10 years; 5 married.  I'll try to keep this somewhat to the point.  He basically hasn't held a job for the past 4 years.  He had one for 6 months that ended in April of this year.  We agreed he didn't have to get a job right away if he would build the deck (he's been saying he'd build for 3 years minimum).  It took him 4 months to build.  I know it does not take that long; it was a small deck and he is experienced at building them.  Since the completion of the deck, he has applied at less than 5 places and only got an interview for 1.  He says he's sick or there's nothing out there.  For our 5 yr anniversary gift, he did not get me even a card to wake up to.  We've been together this long and he knows I'd like to get even a love letter, anything in the morning.  He claimed he had a surprise.  But the way he presented the 'belated' surprise was as if he hadn't given any thought at all.  And to top it off it was a gift card that we already had.  He did go out and get 5 baskets of flowers which I thought was very cool.  And although he doesn't have any money, he did because I gave him some a couple of weeks before.  He rarely does anything with my family ever in the 10 years. I always do things with his family.  Back in November I said I wanted a divorce; we talked and he said he'd find a job and change.  That was the job he kept for 6 months.  Every time I think I should divorce him, guilt comes flooding through me because he doesn't have any family he can go to and no money and no friends.  Then I swing back and think he's a grown man and it's not my respsonsibility. Then I swing back and think is there something else I should be doing?  What's the right thing?  I'm a conflict avoider and so is he which is probably part of or problem.  Whenever I try to talk to him he clams up.  Whenever I start to tell him my feelings he either gets angry (not physically abusive angry) or tells me I shouldn't feel that way.  I've kept a journal for a little while but it's hard to keep up when he's always around and behind my shoulder.  If I asked you, do you think I've right in choosing to divorce him, what would you say?  What's your take on my situation?  Thanks for your advice.

Answer
Hi Becky~

I think you're most certainly right in seriously considering divorcing him.  He's got a very bad track record during the time you've been together.  And you can't babysit and raise him for the rest of your life.  He's a grown up, it's not your problem that he doesn't have job, can't keep a job, doesn't have many friend or family around.  These are all personal choices he's made as an adult.  He has to be held accountable for all the choices he's made in life (just like everyone else is in the real world).  I mean there is only so much you can do in this marriage to try and make it work.  You certainly can't do it all on your own and alone w/o any help and input from him.  

You need to do something before it gets worse and it only will eventually over time.  So you now have to decide what it is you want to do about this marriage.  See, there comes a time when a person can only take so much of something before they break.  The question is when is your breaking point?  How much longer are you willing to put up with this before you finally say, NO MORE?!  Whatever decision you make isn't going to be an easy one.  

So I guess the important thing here is that you go with your heart and you do what's right for you and what makes you happy.