QuestionMy husband and I have been together 16 years. We have 3 kids, age 13,8,6. I am a stay home Mom. My husband runs his own company and we are financially secure. Our problem is that my husband is a 'control freak'. This might serve him well at the office but it doesn't work at home. This man won't leave me alone. He wants to tell me what I should do, when I should do it,what I should eat, how to raise the kids, how to clean the house,decorate etc. When I have an idea he always has to come up with something different. It's as if he can't believe I can have an intelligent thought. He will take advice from his sister all day but not from me. I have even had the same ideas as her but it has to come from her to seem 'right'. He is close to his family, they even work together. I feel as if I'm living an episode of "Everybody loves Raymond" and I'm 'Debra'.
I don't have a problem expressing my feelings to my husband but he just laughs it off and tells me I just don't know how 'good I've got it'! He thinks it's enough to provide his family with material things but otherwise he's just not aware of how he takes me for granted. Even the kids can see it and now sometimes they treat me the same, 'Dad' just laughs as if it's so funny. At least the kids apologize to me afterwards because they know it hurts my feelings. I deserve better than this but don't know what to do. My main concern is the children and how they are affected.
AnswerHi Teresa~
He's disrespecting you and teaching the children that it's okay for them to do the same, hence why they are noticing it and now doing you the same way. And that's not okay at all. They will eventually grow up thinking it's normal for men to disrespect women and to get their way all the time. Since when is it okay here for this to happen to you. When did you decide it was fine for him to treat you with degradation and to control everything while belittling you at the same time. You're settling for this treatment and it's become apparent to the children now too. I'm not judging you or your husband and saying you're bad ppl b/c I don't think that at all, the behavior and actions are what I'm judging. And it doesn't have to be this way either. You need to try to sit down with him and have a serious heart to heart talk with him. He needs to know how this is affecting you. And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage.
If you were to ultimately leave and divorce him the children would eventually adjust. Children are very resilient even when it comes to divorce. Divorce is hard on everyone and takes a toll on the entire family there's just no way around it. You are in an unhappy, unhealthy and unfulfilling marriage, with a man that truly believes that he's right and has the nerve to try to control everything about you right down to the decisions you make. That's not what a marriage is all about. A marriage is about two ppl making decisions and plans together as a team, not with one person calling all the shots and degrading what the other has to say about anything and everything.
He obviously thinks there's nothing wrong with this and that you're thoughts, feelings and opinions do not matter, b/c if they did he would care about what you had to say and thought on everything. Where he got this idea in his head it was okay to treat you, his wife and the mother of his children that way, is beyond me, perhaps he saw his father treat his mother this way and he grew up thinking it was normal to behave this way and treat women in this manner, but it's not, there's nothing okay or even remotely acceptable about the way he's treating you.
You have to stop tolerating this behavior from him. Otherwise he's going to keep doing this to you and get away with it. So while you can't control how he acts, you do control how you react to him. And he can't make you feel inferior w/o your permission. You teach a person how to treat you, I'm a firm believer in that. Something has got to give here or it's only going to get that much worse as time goes on and your children get older. The choice is yours and it's one that only you can make.
