Navigating Marital Challenges & Online Connections: A Confidential Discussion

Question
I am a 40 year old married woman with 2 beautiful kids. My husband and I have been having problems on and off for about 2 years. He is a good man and loves me very much but we were married at a young age and I have not had much experience dating or sexually. I started talking to someone online (he's married with kids in another state)we first were just getting to know each other learning background (he's a distant family friend) and then it has progressed into sexting. We have been talking/sexting for about 9 months now. I have recently taken a trip and we met and hooked up. I am now on great terms with my husband but can not stop thinking about this other man. Sex was ok but it was more of the emotional attention and he knew just what to say. I do have great sex with my husband by the way. So now that we have had sex it seems like he's scared or maybe I've become too attached. He says it's become complicated ?? Not quite sure what that means. He says he's not in a position to drop and leave his family right now. I am an emotional wreck. I love my husband but care very much for this other man. I feel like I've been rejected and used. But other man says it's not so he's just busy right now. He would love it if it just remain fun and exciting and a hook up (not his words mine). I feel torn because I have come to know I have feelings for him and would never have considered it if it was just a hook up. Help me with the truth in all of this. Walk away or just have fun with it?

Answer
Hi Lisa~

I can't condone cheating of any form in a marriage at all.  This is coming from a person that's been cheated on, it tears marriages apart and ruins lives.  Men that cheat do not care about the women that they cheat with, I know that sounds cliche but it's true.  If they'll cheat with you then they'll cheat on you with someone else.  This probably isn't the only affair or fling he's had with a woman outside his marriage, hence why he's smooth and he knows what to say and how to act.  Do yourself a favor and cut your losses while you can.  Since you've been having marital problems for a couple of years, this plays a huge part in you straying in the marriage.  A person typically cheats for several reasons; mostly due to attention, affection or attraction that's lacking in their marriage.  It's about how the person looks, etc, it's the attention that the person pays to them.  When you eat up the affection and attention that's what gets you hooked on the other person, b/c it's something that you don't have in your own relationship or marriage.  You need to focus on your marriage, not this other man or anything else.  You need to sit down and think long and hard about why you cheated and why you've been behaving this way, and what you can do to resolve these issues at hand.  Does your husband know about the affair?  If not, you seriously need to consider sitting down with him and confessing what you've done to him.  Keep in mind that if you tell him then this gives him the option to not want to be with you anymore, for trust reasons, etc.  And rightfully so, however, that's a risk you have to take.  

It would probably be in your best interest to walk away and don't look back, move on with your life w/o this other man in it.  Sure, it'll be hard but you can do it, it will take some time to get over him.  On the other hand if you decide you want to stay with him and "have fun" be prepared that there will be consequences to pay for your actions in the long run.  An affair usually doesn't stay quiet for long until someone finds out or someone talks and the secret it out.  The choice is yours and it's one that only you can make.