QuestionMy husband of 12 years is a functioning alcoholic. He goes to work and doesn't drink until he comes home. He is not abusive, physically or verbally. We have a beautiful 6 year old daughter. My husband and I are presently in marriage counselling as I told him that I can't go on the way we are as I am not happy with the marriage the way it is. I gave him the ultimatum that I will leave him if he didn't stop drinking entirely and get professional help. He agreed to marriage counselling and I thought that at least it is a start. We have been going for 3 months and we are not working on any marital issues, solely the drinking issues as there is no point in working on the marriage if we can't get my husband to realize he has a drinking problem, and to stop drinking. The counsellor has set up rules for him to follow, although he can't follow them so he is doing nothing to establish trust back in the relationship.
My husband is in complete denial that he has a problem and has pointed out that he is not willing to give up drinking entirely and that he is not going to give up his lifestyle (spending time in the garage with the neighbourhood boys and drinking and playing poker). He completely neglects me and our daughter and neither of us feel loved by him. He occasionally wants to take us out to lunch or something on the weekend as if to 'make up' for any time that he has spent drinking and neglecting his family.
I joined Al Anon three months ago and am working on fixing myself emotionally as I didn't realize how angry I was deep inside and how screwed up I was as a direct result of complying with his drinking for the last 12 years. I completely lost a sense of who I am and where I was going in life. Thankfully I have found a wonderful support system in Al Anon and they really make you work on re-establishing your sense of self.
My question to you is how much longer do I stick it out to see if I can support him with getting help for his alcoholism? He has now stopped drinking through the week, but then the weekend comes and he just can't resist when his neighbour buddies are around, and he still can't admit that he has a problem. Should I just leave now and let him figure this out on his own? Is there a chance this marriage can be saved? As it is now, I don't feel that I love him, I don't trust him, and I fear for the emotional damage of our daughter.
AnswerDear Joanne,
Thank you for contacting allexperts.com. I hope that I can assist you with your question.
Oh dear, Joanne. Every once in a while I get a letter such as yours that I know you are NOT going to like my answer. In fact, most likely you are going to email me back some terribly nasty letter telling me I am an idiot and completely out of touch with reality. Please feel free to do this. But since you asked for my opinion and advice, here goes...
First of all, let's really talk about why you are angry at your husband. It has nothing to do with his drinking, you are just using that as an excuse. If he was a golfer you would be angry with that and try to force him to stop golfing. If he was a race car driver you would find some way to try to stop him from doing that. You are angry with him and his drinking because he loves to do it. He enjoys his time with his buddies in the garage and it really makes you FURIOUS. Let's take a look at why, shall we?
You resent that he has fun without you. You resent that he enjoys himself in something other than that which surrounds you, your daughter and family life. You are of the opinion that it is his duty to spend ALL HIS TIME with you and your daughter because he is your husband and her father.
Unfortunately, you are wrong. A man's responsibility to his family is to get up every morning and go to work to see that the family has enough food and a safe, warm place to live. Period. End of story. It is not a man's responsibility to care for or pay attention to the children. It is not a man's responsibility to do the laundry, cooking, and "pay attention" to the wife. If they do this - bonus!
A man needs time with friends. He needs to discuss guy things. Men need men for companionship much more than women need women. Most probably, he is not the least bit interested in spending time with his daughter. And most probably he is not the least bit interested in spending a lot of time with you - especially since you nag him endlessly about his drinking.
While we are at this, let me mention his drinking.
He is not an alcoholic. Functioning, or otherwise. An alcoholic makes drinking his first priority in life. Since you stated that he goes to work each day, obviously his first priority is caring for his family. An alcoholic drinks until he passes out - almost every night. You have told me that he does not do this. In fact, you have managed to nag him into not drinking at all during the week. No way could an alcoholic conform to this schedule.
What you have is a man who enjoys spending time with his friends and likes to drink while doing it. It seems like recently it has become very fasionable to accuse a man of being an alcoholic because he likes alcohol! Oh how idiotic. Alcohol is an adult beverage and anyone who wants to drink it that is over 21 should be able to do so without haveing some kind of stigma attached to it! In the 1960s and 1970s it was "very fashionable" to have one or two cocktails after work and one or two more after dinner. People even had cocktail parties where the sole purpose was to invite friends over to drink! What a concept! But thanks to idiotic organizations like MADD, drinking alcohol for *any* reason is wrong, wrong, wrong, and if you even dare to enjoy it for a minute you are labled an alcoholic! How absurd.
I would suggest that you get over the victim mentality and stop listening to the people at Al Anon and let your husband have a good time with his buddies. In fact, I would suggest that you JOIN him in a drink once in a while and have a little fun. Your constant bombardment of him and his chosen life style will only end in heartache for you and your family.
If you dare, I suggest that you read a great book called "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" wherein it will tell you how to interact with your husband so that your life can be happier and more fulfilling. But most importantly, stop listening to everybody else EXCEPT your husband and let him be who he is. Stop trying to control and change him. It will never work.
There, I told you that you wouldn't like my answer.
R. M. French
