QuestionI am writing because I have been wanting and wishing there was some phone number I could call to get the answer to my problem. I am married for the 2nd time (first marriage ended bittersweetly). We argue all the time and he has lost his temper on numerous occasions. Due to various circumstances, we now have two homes, about 40 miles apart. Our son is in Kindergarten and we wanted to send him to a particular school close to where we work. So, rather than commute the 40 miles, we got an apartment that we use during the week and we go to the 'old' house on weekends. We had a rocky relationship before the wedding, but things settled down and we decided to get married and have a child. Not long after our son was born, my husband's bad temper and anger returned. He has gotten in my face, yelling at me, calling me names and cursing, all in front of our child. I have never been so humiliated and angry. He has exhibited this explosive behaviour at me in front of my family and has also exploded at my mother! I have trouble finding any feelings for him any more. He is a good father, not the best, but good. He is very smart and teaches our son a lot of important things.
Our son is having behaviour problems at school and my husband thinks it is because we are seperated during the week and that we should all live together all the time for our son's sake. The truth is, we fight less now that we are apart during the week. I cannot bring myself to go back to living together 100% of the time. I want to do what is best for my son, and I don't think that having parents who cannot get along and live together is the right thing to do.
It is very hard to live with my husband and I am very unhappy living with him. I do not want my child to come from a broken home, but I also do not want him to learn how to deal with emotional issues by watching us. We are not capable of working out our problems together. Counselling is probably an alternative, but we have both been to marriage and personal therapy before and have not exactly been thrilled about it and we both think it is one step toward divorce.
I just do not know what to do. On top of everything else, I am at a point in my life where I would like to be self-sufficient. I want to be responsible for myself and my son. I do not want to have to be responsible for another person's life. He needs someone who will 'take care' of everything, bills, taxes, childcare, haircuts, doctor's appointments, almost everything! I just cannot do it anymore without getting VERY resentful and angry.
I do not expect him to change. I know better than that! But I am changing. I am getting more self-sufficient, more reliable, more responsible, and I want to pass these traits on to my son...not the anger and broken relationship. Please help.
AnswerHi Carrie~
Wow, you are in a predicament aren't you?! Just know that you're absolutely doing the right thing. You can't be with your husband anymore. It's an unhealthy, unstable and stressful marriage. It's for the best that you're separated and finally living on your own. You don't need to be in a toxic relationship with someone. When you do it's not only hurting you but bad for your son. He doesn't need to be a witness to abuse of any kind (mental, emotional and even possibly physical). It could scar him for life if he's exposed to that.
It seems as though your husband is the jealous and controlling type. His behavior of yelling, screaming and degrading you are totally unacceptable. And you simply can't tolerate it or put up with that any longer. See, there comes a time when a person can only take so much of something before they break. You've already reached your breaking point, and have begun to move on with your life. Which isn't an easy thing to do at all. But you did it and your slowly but surely managing to move on with your life. Whatever you do do not let your husband convince you it's in the best interest of the child to move back home together (that would be the complete opposite), and it would undo everything that you worked so hard to do up to this point.
You'll have to be strong and tell him no, you're sorry but you can't go on living with him and making a life with him. The only thing you're obligated to do is to raise your son with or w/o him being involved. You can do it together or as a single mother.
If that means ultimately going through a divorce in order for you to be happy then do so. You have to go with your heart and do what's right for you and your son (not your husband). Of course, you know that when you tell him this it's going to mean war with him. He'll probably try to make your life miserable b/c he didn't get his way. Another perfect example of a man who wants to be in control of something. It'll probably get worse before it gets better though. Just try to prepare yourself that this might happen. You must remain strong for your son.
If you have any further questions please feel free to ask.
