QuestionHello, I find myself in a daze as I write this....I love my husband very much, however, I am not so sure of his love for me anymore. We are recent "empty nesters" Our youngest went to college this last fall...My husband and I have been married 20 years now. He tells me most days that he loves me..I tell him every day that I love him. I knew that there was some problems in our relationship, but what I have seen today has just blowed my mind. Our problems have always been communication issues, but now he has taken it to a whole new level..Last week it really started to come to a boil. We were at his parents for Valentines Day, and playing a game of scrabble. I took his place on the board and he looked at his mother and said, "if there is any way that she can **** up my life she will." She nor I said a word. On the way home he asked me if I was happy and I told him that I had not been happy in a several years....He asked what had recently happened to make me feel that way..I pointed out to him what he had said 30 minutes earlier. He said he meant to say line not life.....Today a week later I go to a website that I had not visited in 2 years or so...and there he is online telling people that pictures of us on there together was him and his sister, and that his relationship status was complicated. He is telling other women on this site things he wants to do and share with them...I decided to check his email account... I know this was wrong of me...several years ago he was talking with a woman online and on the phone telling her that I was his girlfriend...I asked him to stop that relationship and he promised that he had...so until now I have never felt a need to check it out to make sure it had stopped...It has not stopped and he has picked up more relationships with women on internet dating sites...I am just so numb at this point that I don't know what to do....On one dating site he has the type of woman that he is looking for, and that it needs to be a long term relationship....One of the women is referring to our son as her soon to be son...If I ask him he will either lie about it or turn it around on me. For years every argument we have ever gotten into I have been the to apologize just to move on....Last week after the incident at his mothers we had a funeral the next day. I have know the funeral director since I was about 4 years old I am now 40 years old. He hugged me and I hugged him back...The next morning my husband insists that I was trying to have sex with this man....That thought has NEVER crossed my mind...He stayed mad at me for days over this...but I decided I had done nothing wrong and I WAS NOT APOLOGIZING for this. Last night we relations again for the first time in over a week....I just don't know how to handle this situation. He blames me for his other children not being around anymore. And to me that is fine...not that I don't love them...but I can only take so much of them running over their dad. They are both on drugs, thieves and liars. Everytime they got into trouble he would go bail them out. I finally put my foot down and said no more. They are in their 30's and pardon the expression, "don't have a pot to pee in or a window to throw it out of". But of course it's my fault that they are gone and dont give a crap about him only what he can do for them and give to them. I am at the end of my rope and I don't know what to do...I love my husband.......Please help
AnswerHi Tammy~
He's carousing dating web sites when he's a married man, he's lying about his marital status--calling you his sister or his GF, planning his future out with multiple women, he's pretending that he said another word at Scrabble and on and on it goes. He's playing mind games with you and seems to think you have stupid stamped on your forehead. What's wrong with this picture here, Tammy? You're not sure of his love and commitment to you, but yet you are still there and you continue to endure in this marriage that's fast going no where. Why do you do that, Tammy? Are you a glutton for punishment? Do you think you don't deserve better than he's currently capable of giving you? You must or you would not stay and tolerate him treating you in this manner. His behavior is rude, crude and totally unacceptable, not to mention it's very inappropriate too. A husband is supposed to love, honor and cherish his wife, not treat her with disdain, degradation and be plotting against her behind her back with other women. This is a serious problem you have here that he's creating for you. You have to do something about this. Clearly you're not happy with him or this marriage at the rate it's going. You deserve much more than what he's putting you through. You need to sit him down and have a serious heart to heart talk with him. He needs to know how this is affecting you. And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage. If he can't give you that, then you need to be ready, willing and able to move on with your life w/o him in it. Sometimes divorce is a necessary evil. He does this to you b/c you allow him to, and he gets a huge pay off with it, or he wouldn't be doing this to you.
He can't make you feel inferior w/o your permission. So while you can't control how he acts, you do control how you react to him. You need to make it clear to him what you want, need, desire, deserve and expect in this marriage. And again, if he's either unwilling or unable to provide you with the love, care and support you need from a husband, then kick him to the curb and move forward with your life. Being on your own and starting all over again is scary, I'm not going to lie, but it can be done if you want it bad enough. It doesn't have to be this way unless you want it to be. The choice is yours and it's one that only you can make.
