Questionokay, i hope this isn't long-winded, but it might end up being that way. i hope not. anyway, i was married for eleven years the first time, and that marriage ended due to alcoholism, cheating and gambling. i stuck with it for as long as i could, then the day came that i had enough and that was the end of it. no children, thank God. i moved to florida immediately after the divorce and lived on my own for another four or five years. i didn't date because i had no interest in going through that again. then i met a seemingly wonderful man through a rep for an orthopedic company at the hospital i work at. we dated for three and a half years. he was a christian- we went to church together, he had a nice home, clean and taken care of, he had a business that his father had passed down to him, etc, etc. we didn't live together because he felt as a christian that it wasn't the right thing to do, and i really didn't want to live with anybody. to make a long story short, we got engaged. he bought a beautiful ring, we waited another year and got married. now keep in mind, there was never a cross word out of this man's mouth, we would not see each other a couple nights a week so he could get his housework done, he was a gentleman, blah blah blah. i think you can see where this is going. we weren't married one week and the nasty piggish mouth started. every word that came out of his mouth was about sex or vulgar names for women's body parts, and when i would tell him that it bothered me, he'd laugh and do it more. he actually said "it's okay, we're married now". i got so tired over the next three years of being badgered constantly about sex that it totally turned me off. believe me, i'm far from prudish, but this behavior was just totally disgusting. if it were just the sex thing, it wouldn't be a big deal- i think behavior like that can be dealt with. but as soon as we got married, it was like a license to talk to me like the biggest piece of crap on the face of the earth. then i find out that he never cleaned his house- his mother came over and did it for him. then i find out that he didn't buy my engagement ring- his mother did that, too. i also find out that he didn't pay his bills- all the utilities were in his mothers' name and she paid them along with hers. one of his very good friends asked me why i didn't know these things- well, we didn't live together and i went to my own home every night because "he was a christian and it didn't look right to be spending the night". i didn't know the couple nights a week that we stayed at our own homes were his mother's nights for cleaning his house and paying his bills. i truly wanted this marriage to work- i never thought i would remarry, and i wanted so bad for it to work. it's been five years and it's like living in hell. i paid every bill in that house for the first four years until i got sick of being used. when i brought up the subject about a year ago, his answer was "well, you aren't paying rent anymore". i asked him if he thought that a wife should be paying rent to her husband, and i got no answer, so apparently he thinks i should pay all his bills because i don't pay rent anymore. there are so many bad things going on. the constant lying is unbelievable. i have never met a pathological liar in my life until now. the total lack of responsibility is horrible. the house is falling apart, literally, and the fifty thousand dollar home equity loan has been pissed away on all the toys he wants. my name was never put on the house, thank God, so i can only hope that i'm not responsible for it. i think the thing that actually killed any kind of love i had for him was the porn. eveytime i went ANYWHERE, he would ask me to call home before i came home in case he "needed me to pick up something." and trying to be a good wife, i did exactly that. for about three years. then i got busy one day and forgot to call to see if he needed anything. his computer door was shut and locked (he never heard me enter the house) and i heard him in there wacking off and listening to the porn online. it made me sick to my stomach. he came out awhile later and was irrate that i didn't call. it's just totally ridiculous. i had confronted him once before, about six months earlier, about a whole bunch of porn that was on his computer. he tried to tell me that it downloaded itself. i must look pretty stupid. but one of his problems is that he thinks he's so much smarter than everybody else. he has no clue how many times i've busted him jerking off in his computer room. and the one time i did confront him, it got really ugly. okay, i'm stupid for putting up with this for the last five years. i should have bailed after the first year, but i wanted to give it a fair shot. we haven't slept in the same bedroom for over a year because the bedroom has a ton of mold and moisture and it's been making me sick as hell. he thinks that we should still have sex, but i disagree. he doesn't think enough of his wife to clean the bedroom up, so i'm not going to act like a wife. it doesn't seem to bother him that we're in separate bedrooms, except when he starts the badgering about sex. and the man is the biggest pig on the face of the earth. i have never in my life lived in such a sty. his attitude is that's what i'm there for- to clean up behind him and pay his bills. okay, that's enough of all that crap- it doesn't even scratch the surface. my concerns are my future. i don't want to be stuck with this asshole's bills, and he's proven that he's a leach. i have a car that he bought for me four years ago- i'm the only one that drives it. he has his own vehicle and a shop truck also. he used ten thousand dollars of the home equity loan to pay for it, and his mommy paid the other ten thousand. the car was in both our names with his appearing first, but it says OR me. just recently we switched the title to my name first because he never paid the registration on time- it's due on his birthday every year. he only switched it because he figured he was getting out of paying a bill. that wasn't too smart on his part, now that i think of it. also, i had a ton of dental work done, and i got a second job to pay for it. he has not paid a cent on my dental bill, although he lies to his mother all the time and tells her that he pays for everything and i don't help him out at all. i have been avoiding moving out until i get the bill paid down a little more- i don't want it hanging over my head when i'm starting out alone again. i got a credit card in my own name and i have a safe deposit box with all my important papers and stuff in, and i have a storage unit that i've been slowly taking stuff to. i guess i'm just worried about how bad i'm going to get screwed. do you have any advice on something i should be doing? i don't want anything coming back and biting me. and one of the doctors i work with told me not to let the marriage get to six years or he can ask for support. it doesn't matter that he owns his house and business and i own nothing- they say he can ask for it because on paper i make more than him. maybe i'm just looking for affirmation that i'm doing the right thing or going about it the right way. any help would be appreciated. thanks so much
AnswerHi Cindy~
He had his own home prior to the marriage you're not entitled to that. And the home not being in your name either, you're not responsible for anything in the home either (or that has to do with the home). That's his problem and responsibility.
As for spousal support (aka alimony), he's not entitled to that either. You have to be married for X (X=usually 10 + of marriage--this will vary from state to state) number of years before he's entitled to that at all. Besides it's very hard to get it granted by a judge to begin with. So you probably don't have anything to worry about there.
It sounds like you're doing everything right so far. As for the car though, you need to get it out of his name (he can just gift it to you, all that entails is getting a piece of paper from the DMV, and having him sign it over to you as a "gift"), that way you don't have to pay taxes, etc on it again. Or you just cut your losses and let him have it and take YOUR name off it. Otherwise, you're going to be stuck with a car in both your names. And he could fight you for it (not even sure if it's worth fighting over, but given his behavior and how he acts you never know what some looney will do). It's better to be safe than sorry I say. Same for anything else that you share together in both your names, get your name removed from those things ASAP (if you have anything in both names). You don't want him to be able to mess your credit up or anything for that matter. As for you making more than him, big deal that's not really an issue either. Now it very might well be if he didn't have a job for several years and you were the only means of support he had to pay bills, food, etc. But that's certainly not the case. I can't really think of anything else other than what I already mentioned. If you have any further questions please feel free to ask.
