QuestionHi 'S',
I am in a very seriously unstable state of mind about both my marriage, and a long distance extramarital relationship I've maintained over the past year.
My 19 year marriage has faltered for a number of years over a nude clip I made for my wife after we'd been married about 7 or 8 years. I thought it would spice things up a little, but she was disturbed, rather than excited, so I decided never to do it again. A few years ago, I again thought a boost was in order, and again, my efforts were received with disdain. I lost all hope and interest since then, and no longer see her as a sexual creature.
I met with a woman in an internet chatroom, with the intention of getting sexual solace there, and after agreeing to meet her for an intimate liaison, chickened out, as I knew I couldn't live with myself after such a deception. That was about 14 months ago, and I purposely haven't had sex with my wife since then. Obviously, she's noticed, and though we talked about it, it's never been remedied.
About 12 months ago, I struck up another friendship with a woman from the U.S.A., which has developed into a serious relationship, though we've never physically met. We have very strong feelings for each other. We've been intimate and pretty explicit in our messaging. I contact her either through instant messaging or phonecall every day for the past 8 or 10 months. We've discussed each others problems, feelings, families, past traumas and hurts, everything one does in a close, romantic relationship. My wife has found out, and was shocked.
My intention was to break up with my wife, but she is so hurt by that, and it pains me to hurt her, yet it would also hurt me to discontinue my long distance affair, since the woman involved and I have developed very strong and amorous emotions between us. No matter which way I turn, I must hurt someone I love, and myself.
My teenage kids, I dread they would get hurt, but I believe, if I move out, they will still get all the love I've ever afforded them in the past, as I will always put them before myself. But Can I live with myself, whether I stay or leave?
A word or two of experienced advice would be of huge help and benefit, and I think someone with a broken marriage in their past can give an open, and honest answer, rather than a 'save the marriage, at all costs' answer. The marriage is precious to me, but the thought of a future of celibacy and emotional drought terrifies me completely.
Thank you for reading my question, 'S'.
AnswerHi Ferris~
Of course your wife is hurt, shocked and even devastated that you're being emotionally unfaithful to her. But at this moment what do you really want out of this marriage and relationship with your wife? Do you indeed want to make a go of it? Or even try to salvage the damage that's been done to it? Only you can answer that question. I'm not saying that you have to do everything you can and put your all into saving your marriage. It's clear that you'd like to pursue this other woman and conveniently get out of this marriage. But you have to earn your way out. That means you must get closure to this marriage somehow. This relationship with this other woman is a means for you to escape from the problems that you have at home with your wife.
And face it you don't really know who this person really is behind the screen. She could be something that you totally do not know or expect to meet (if you were to ever meet her in person). That's the beauty of the internet, a person can be anonymous, and create a persona that they are not, and of course you can pretend to be whatever you'd like. But the decision lies with you on if you choose to remain involved with this other woman, just be forewarned that she might not be who she really claims to be and that's a risk you've got to be willing to take, should you pursue her later.
If you choose not to stay married to your wife that's certainly your choice and preogative. Just know that telling your wife this and then going through the separation and divorce process aren't going to be an easy thing to do. The hardest part is taking the first step and then actually going through with it all.
You need to sit down with your wife and have a serious heart to heart talk with her. She needs to know exactly how this is affecting you. And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage. You could suggest to her to go to marriage counseling, if that's what you want to do, and you'll think she'll be receptive of the idea. At least this way you can, if nothing else, try to get closure to this marriage, and amicably decide to go your separate ways, and to still co-parent those children together in a loving, yet civil way together. And/or if you even really want a separation/divorce to take place. Only by sitting down and discussing these things can proper decisions be made. B/c whatever decisions you make for the future, they will affect you, your children and your wife.
Anyway, I'm beginning to ramble on and on now. But I think you get my point here. #1 Decide what you ultimately want to do with the marriage and how you want to do it. #2 Decide if you even want to become more involved with this other woman that you don't really know, and if you do, what's the best way to go about it. Either way whatever you choose to do it's not going to be an easy thing to do at all. Only you can make this choice, just be prepared for possible consequences to bad choices that you might be making now, for in the future.
