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I have been married for almost a year. Husband has been depressed for over 7 years. It seems as if the second we got married he went downhill. Now its to the point where he doesn't know what he wants from this marriage. He says hes unhappy but can't say why and thinks the marriage is to blame. We have been to counseling and I have changed all the things he wants changed, but still hes unhappy. He mopes around the house and never talks to me or is in anyway affectionate. This is our second marriage for both of us with 5 kids between us. I live my life in limbo waiting for the day he comes home and says hes moving out. I freaked out inside tonight as when he was reading the paper, I saw he was looking at homes for rent. He never looks at that. I feel angry that he takes a marriage so causually and just seems to be giving up. I don't know what to do or how to act. Part of me wants to be as kind as possible in hopes he will be happy. Part of me wants to scream and yell for being so cruel. This has been going on off and on since we married. Everytime we fight, he brings up the Divorce word. Please help.
Answer -
Hi Sherry~
system, before you notice some changes. It can take up to a full month for it to be very affective. I was on Paxil, myself, for a while, and it did help me. I've heard very bad things about Prozac, and that it's more powerful than some of the depression meds on the market. It can also make ppl who take it more prone to violence or violent outbursts. Almost like it alters your moods and thinking.
He should really talk to his doctor again and see if he can adjust his medication. I would seriously talk to the doc about getting off of Prozac all together and going with another medication. Did the doctor up his dosage of Paxil and it didn't really help, or what?
There's not much you can really do to make him stay in the marriage and not bail on you. All you can really do is try and make him see that you're trying to support him during this rough time. Sometimes it's hard to deal with someone that has depression issues. It seems that no matter what you do it doesn't help.
He has to want to make that effort. I don't know what else to suggest to you. You seem to be doing everything possible to address these issues, counseling, medications, trying your best to support him, etc. I wish there was something that I could say to you or offer advise that would work, but I'm at a loss as to what else to suggest to you. Just try to keep showing him that you support him and you're there for him no matter what. Ultimately it'll be up to him to decide what happens next.
Please feel free to ask more questions, and I'll try to help you the best that I can. If nothing else just voice your concerns and I'll listen to you.
Well, we went to our counseling appointment last night and it was a disaster. The entire time was filled with what a horrible stepmom I was and that his kids don't want to be in our home because of me. That I am mean to them or ignore them. That is so completely not true. My husband started burning his bridges with his kids long before I got into the picture by taking pills and sleeping for 3 days when he had his kids and he yells and screams at them until they cry just about everytime they are there. I bend over backwards trying to bond with these girls (9 and 11). The 9 year old we get along good, but the 11 year old will not let me close. She doesn't want a relationship with her stepdad either so I don't take it personally. We converse nicely and although it is very general at times its working for now. The girls would just rather be with thier mom and they are slipping that way more and more, but its not about me. He just blames the entire thing on me. So he told the counselor that if I don't shower this 11 year old with love and kisses all the time (which she doesn't want)he is leaving. I asked him well, what if I do all that and she still doesn't respond and still would rather stay at her moms? My husband told me that he couldn't live with someone that his daughter didn't like. So this 11 year old has all the power of whether my marriage suceeeds for fails. I tried to talk about being withdrawn emotionally and physically from me and he said when I show love to stepdaughter and she is happy he will return that. He then went on to say he hates his whole life, his job, everything. So I know its still the depression, but he is cruel and mean and I feel like a hostange and on trial. The counselor went along with this entirely warped picture he painted. I don't agree with this, but the counselor said well, this is husbands perception of the situaiton so I needed to change it.
What are your thoughts?
AnswerHi Sherry~
I think that the counselor is crazy! He/She should be neutral and not bias towards either one of you. In other words not taking sides here.
This has absolutely NOTHING to do with the 11 yo. It's all about your husband and his problems with depression. Depression can be such an ugly thing to deal with. He's using his child as an excuse, rather than dealing with the depression and finding out why he feels this way. He's angry and in termoil about something. And until you get to the bottom of what it is and why he's feelings this way, he'll continue to come up with any excuse.
He's taking this depression out on you, and it's not fair to you at all. You in a sense are his scapegoat if you will. He wants someone to blame for his problems instead of dealing with the real issues.
If I were in your situation I would absolutely refuse to go back to that particular counselor. He/She isn't helping you at all, and actually could be making things worse. By giving your husband the power on making all these problems YOUR fault. Your husband must first acknowledge that he HAS a problem, then and only then will he be able to address the problems and remedy them. You must try to work together as a team, not be on opposing teams. You'll never get anywhere being against each other.
There's not much you can do if he simply refuses to work on things in counseling. You are absolutely right to let the 11 yo choose how she wants to interact with you. And again you can't force her to love you, like you or want to do things with you. She has to want to do it. All you can do is interact with her the best way you can. And if being civil and nice is how you do it, then more power to you. Don't let him or this counselor convince you that you're wrong in all that you're doing. If you do then it'll bring your spirit and will down. You can't let him or that counselor have power over you.
If you have any further questions, please feel free to ask again.
