Navigating Relationship Challenges: Is Trial Separation Right for You?
QuestionI have written a few times about the problems my husband and I have been having. It is not just about his inappropriate behaviour but he just started therapy and is realizing he hs not dealt with the death of his mom 15 years ago. For the last year or so he has had doubts about being in a relationship and in a sense he says he is feeling it even more now because he feels so messed up. Problem is I still want this but am so sick of the limbo. Due to finances I am not considering moving out and do not want to and cannot afford our place on our own so I am thinking we could try a trial separation for a month under the same roof. We have been sleeping in separate rooms for the last week so we are partway there. Other problem is I feel if I do this I am giving into his needs instead of mine and he says he wants to try and work at us and his stuff but I don't feel he can commit to me now like I need. Does this sound like a healthy option for both of us?
AnswerHi Cara,
I am not a big fan of trial separation because, in most cases, I have not seen anything positive come of them. Your husband has some pretty serious issues to deal with. Not the least of which is a fear of abandonment. I think that a lot of his reluctance to commit is based upon that fear. He was hurt so badly by his mother's death that he has built a wall around his heart so that he will NEVER EVER feel that pain again.
I think therapy would be so helpful here. If he could somehow recognize what he is doing and begin to work toward being able to open up his heart to someone. It would make everyone's life so much better - especially his.
You might try the trial separation thing, but I fear that in his mind it will just be another abandonment and only reinforce his behavior pattern. Breaking through such a strong survival mechanism is so hard. Other than professional therapy, I really don't know if anything you can do will help.
I wish I could offer more to you.
R. M. French
