QuestionMy husband comes from a family that did not touch or hug alot. They didn't seem to care about one another's feelings and therefore didn't anticipate each other's needs. I on the other hand was adopted at 18 months into a wonderfully loving family that hugged and cuddled and cared for and watched out for others' feelings. I thought that I could live without the touching as my love for my husband was strong. But over the years, I find I just can't do it any more. Relations were always the same and not alot of foreplay and when there was, and I mentioned what I liked and didn't like, he wouldn't remember it after that. Now, when he does touch me or hug me, I know why - he wants sex. I therefore shy away from that since it makes me feel dirty somehow. The more he wants it, the more I don't want it. I have talked to him about this, but he thinks I am just putting our sexless marriage blame back on him. He also snores and keeps me awake. He did try to go to a Dr. for it, but the device that was made for him he didn't like. He never followed through with other options and I feel that he didn't respect me enough to go further. Now I and my daughters are worried more about the sleep apnia issue and he said he will do something. But our daughters had to become involved before he decided to go further. Other issues are that I am a night owl and he is an early bird. That certainly doesn't match and what interests we had together at the beginning are no longer there. My interests have drastically changed importance and his love of computers is still the same. He is a loner as I used to be outgoing. I pulled back to make him more comfortable and I am now frustrated and have decided not to do that anymore. But that makes him uncomfortable in strange places when I strike up conversations with strangers, like in a grocery store. He never instigates nice outings, or any for that matter, without me saying something first. He has also shown signs of hearing loss and has yet to do anything about it. I get tired of repeating myself 3-5 times to get him to understand what I am saying. The kids too. They keep asking me why he hasn't gotten his hearing checked. One girl is 23 and the other is 14. I do have to say that I am stubborn and a pack rat and love animals a little more that most people. Maybe I have developed the excessive animal loving because it is a love that is unconditional, I hate to say. I am 47 and could part of my lack of interest be the beginnings of menopause? I would never cheat on him since I have had that happen to me twice in my life and I know how much hurt that causes. So maybe I have talked myself into not wanting sex so I wouldn't "need" it. But he seems to NEED it and, well... I think you understand. Is there any help for us?
AnswerDear Mary,
Thank you for contacting allexperts.com. I hope that I can assist you with your question.
There are a lot of different issues to think about when it comes to your marriage. Not the least of which is disappointed expectations.
As much as I hate to say this Mary, people who are happy with who they are find very little reason to change. That guy you fell in love with more than 20 years ago is the exact same guy that you are complaining about today. I fear that you knew of his shortcomings when you said "I do", but after 20 long years of waiting for something magical to happen you have grown tired of waiting.
I think that for the past 23 years you have concentrated on being a mother and have gotten your emotional satisfaction from your children's affection. You have managed to "deal" with your husband's lack of emotional affection that way. But now that your children are getting older and more "grown up" you find that you are missing the closeness that satisfied your desire for affection.
Some women find that after 20 years of marriage that resentments have built up and those resentments cause anger toward their spouse. I detect some anger in your letter. This anger often shows itself by a lessening of interest in sex. In other words you are using lack of interest in sex as a punishment to your husband for not living up to your expectations.
This is unfair to your husband. He has never pretended to be anyone other than who he is. For 20 years you have had an ideal of what you think marriage should be and you are mad at him for not living up to your ideal.
Let's take a look also at something else you said. You mention that you are not happy with the fact that he is a loner and not outgoing. And yet, is this not one of the qualities that attracted you to him in the first place? That he was quiet, non-demanding, non-threatening to you? Didn't you think that such a man would make a good father and a good balance for your outgoing nature?
You say that your interests have drastically changed importance. I'm sure what that means is that now that your children are mostly grown, you feel that your job is done and you are now bored with your life. It is vital that married couples develop mutual interests over the years that has nothing to do with children. And this situation is the perfect example why. Now that your children have grown, you and your husband have nothing more in common (and probably nothing to even talk about).
Mary, you must make the decison whether or not you wish to remain married. If you do not wish to remain married, there is nothing here that I can say or do that will change your mind. If, however, you do wish to remain married, then it is time to get to work to fix things, because you are the only one who can fix it.
First of all you need to become interested in the things that your husband finds interesting. Computers are a very individual thing, so it will be difficult to do this. However you must try. Pretend that you are a girl going on a date with a nice young man that you like and find attractive. Would you just sit there staring into space or would you try to talk about things that he finds interesting in order to make a connection? This is the approach that you need to take with your husband.
If you want to save your marriage you need to make him feel appreciated and respected. You need to honor him in his desire to be a loner. You need to appreciate the fact that he is a man who thinks and is not a loud-mouthed fool who talks too much and makes false friendships that mean nothing. You need to appreciate the man he is instead of hoping that someday he will magically turn into someone else.
Now as for this hearing issue. Nobody wants to think about getting old. People are resistant to admit that they need hearing aids often because they don't want to be old. If you approach this issue lovingly and compassionately perhaps he would be more receptive to the suggestion that he just go get an exam to see if he might need a little help with some of the higher pitched sounds. Offer to go with him and get an exam too. If he needs a hearing aid but won't get one. Well, that is his decision to make and you will have to accept it.
I have to laugh about the night owl/early bird thing. It is the same with my husband and I. He is an early bird and me a night owl (I am writing this at 4 am!). We have been together for ten years now and have worked out the schedule so that both of us are happy. I cannot imagine that you can't work something out as well. It is just a question of making the effort and wanting to.
Mary, the bottom line is that if you want to save your marriage then it is up to you. You may ask me..."Why do *I* have to do all the changing/compromising, etc." The fact of the matter is, that women are better at making compromises than men are - and somebody has to do it. Personally, I find it an honor to be the one who finds the strength in my heart to give in and compromise. It means that *I* have the power. It's a wonderful feeling to konw that *I* make the decisions that keep my marriage healthy and happy.
You can do the same, if you want to badly enough. It's all up to you.
Best of luck,
R.M. French
