Navigating Intimacy Issues & Relationship Challenges After Years Together

Question
Hi. Where do i start. My husband and I have been together for nearly 15 years. We have three children. We are only 36. For nearly 6 years there has been no intimacy. I have had no libido and had even spoke to the doctor about hormonal medicines to help me. But then about 3 months ago i meet another man who just turned on all the right buttons. Nothing happened and as my husband and i are the best of friends, I told him everything and we had a couple therapy session. During that session it seemed to be all directed at the fact my husband works and travels a lot so i have started feeling lonely and this other guy is just a symptom of this. But to be honest i can not look at my husband and feel attracted to him and have not for many years now. When we have sex i feel sometimes physically sick, and i insist that i face away from him when we do it. I love my husband but i know i am not in love with him and i don't think i will be able to change that. He is such a wonderful person and i should feel so lucky to have him, but i can't love him the amount he deserves. I have told him this as we talk about everything, but he insists that he is not going anywhere and will make me love him again. I know in my heart that i can't. I can't look at him and think wow i love you. The only time i think i love him is when i see how much i hurt him.  I have mentioned a trial separation but he won't consider this. What more can i do?? I am now lying to him but not feeling guilty which is so unusual for me because i never can tell a lie. I am still smsing this other guy and will be meeting him soon. Sex is not on my mind with this other guy, i feel i need to see if the feelings i felt were real and hopefully be able to finalize the ties that i have with him. I know this other guy is not the reason my love is dead for my husband, for i felt no attraction for him for many years. This other guy has just made me wake up and say hey what makes you happy!!! My mind is telling me to stick with it for the kids and financially. But how can one make their heart love again?Would you consider trial separation in this circumstance?

Answer
Hi Rori~

Your husband is in denial about your feelings.  You just need to keep being honest with him.  After all you can't change how you feel about him.  Perhaps over time you've fallen out of love with him and this is contributing why you're not attracted to him anymore.  He probably doesn't understand the concept of you love him but your not IN love with him anymore.  It's unfortunate but a real fact that you feel this way about him.  He's either unwilling or unable to come to terms with that.  Hence the denial and him not willing to accept or want a trial separation.  

However, you can't keep living a lie and pretend that everything will be okay when it won't ever be the same as it once was (than when you were first together).  It's not right and it's not fair to either of you.  Not to mention to stay for the children's sake (that never works either in the end).  

I think you need to go with your heart (not your mind) and do what's right for you and what makes you happy.  Tell him that you're sorry you have to do this, but you must do a trial separation.  And you can take it from there to see what ultimately happens.  You can't make your heart feel something it's incapable of feeling.  And with time away from each other perhaps you can clear your head and decide what you really do want from this marriage (if anything).  Besides all you can do is take life one day at a time and see where this all takes you.  And if indeed the marriage can be worked on and salvaged.   But personally from all that you've described your fighting a losing battle.