QuestionWe have been together for about 15 years, married for 8 this past year. We have one biological child together & he adopted my other two 2 months after the marriage.
Things have not been good for about 3+ years now. He has back pain issues and became hooked on pain meds along with the fact he would drink & smoke (get high). I felt it was getting out of hand. With the help of his father & stepmother, I demanded he go into rehab. Reluctantly, he did. This only last about 1 week till his mother went & rescued him. Things just seem to go down hill from there. Things were so bad for me at one point I attempted suicide. I was physically ok but spent about 3 days in the hospital for counseling. When I returned home, he was the perfect husband for about 2 weeks. Of course, things were back to the same old. I was taking prozac & xanax to numb my pain & ambien to put me to sleep. I would go away on weekends when I could just to get out of the house. Seeing both male & female friends. When I was home, I had no ambition & neither did he. We wouldn't talk. It was like to roommates passing in the night. On numerous occasions I would blow up at him, calling him awful names and at times, the kids would be around. I was just raging out of control because I felt I had already lost everything. I wanted him to move out & let me & this kids stay in our home but he refused. If there was going to be any change, I had to leave.
Finally, I decided to move out & try a separation. (We separated on 7/1/2005). I had HOPED he would chase after me. I mentioned this to him but really never got an answer. After several months, I would visit with friends & tired to make new ones. One was a male but we only were friends. Never anything more than that. He was on a limited income so I bought his twin girls a gift that he could give saying it was from Santa (or him). I went away with my girls to a local get away for 2 nights & this friend decided to surprise me & be there with his two girls also. Our rooms were on opposite sides of the place. Again, he was only a friend. Never even a hint of anything more. My husband found out about this through our youngest (6 at the time) & was VERY upset. Said it was not normal to meet someone on the Internet, etc.... This just would upset me more. I would chat with him for a few months before even attempting to meet. I'm not insane. Just was in need of a friend. I couldn't even have new friends. He felt I was putting our youngest in danger. He didn't even mention of the older two who were 15 & 16 at the time.
I did start to become close with one friend I reconnected with. We went to elementary school together till about 7th grade. He was single & I felt I was since I didn't get any responses back from my husband. I did think it was over. we were fighting. Then I told my husband I would never be returning home(I had hoped he would respond to this). He just asked me to leave. That was it??? I then found out he had been sort of seeing someone too. This in turn enraged me!! How can she get him out of his shell when I couldn't. Yes, I became very jealous to say the least but, I had no right to be.
I would still hang with my friend but I then realized that what I felt for the friend was only temporary & I was trying to fill a void that only my husband could. I called our relationship off but we are still friends. Almost 9 months has now passed since I broke it off.
My husband has told me things are bad with his relationship & that he can't make anybody happy. I want so much to make this work again. After s very careful review, things started going bad when he gave up playing in a band which was almost every Saturday night. This was OUR time together. Then, we would get high & drunk after work together. This seemed to be the only time I could communicate & get his attention to me. After my suicide attempt I called it quits with the THC & drinking. It wasn't going to be for him.
Now, I am in desperate need of help. He tells me he doesn't know what he wants. Once (only once) did he tell me there was nothing to save & it is over. This was about 8 months ago.
I myself feel I have truly made alot of positive changes in the last 8 months. I took myself off of my psych meds (I felt they were numbing me & all I would do is work & sleep. That was my average day), have practiced keeping calm in situations that I use to rage in, & have become a better house keeper (not perfect, just better). I even took a leave of absence from my parttime job for about 3 months to get closer with our girls & to help my mental situation. I use to be a compulsive spending which did not help our marriage either. I have since learned to say "NO" much more.
Oh, he filed for divorce in the beginning of this year after I filed for court ordered child support (I felt what he volunteered to pay wasn't enough & the courts did award more). I have realized that we were both wrong & have admitted to that. He has said he doesn't think he could get over the things I have done; like making new friends, not keeping the house clean (PS-I was working fulltime, parttime, & attending Internet college), and keep up with disciplining our kids. He does have some good points but he didn't help either. I have sent him an e-mail explaining how I feel and that I want it to work. I received a call about one thing & he mentioned that he doesn't want me to do that. He said it hurts, his nervous are shot, he can't make anyone happy, he doesn't know what he's going to do or what he wants anymore. If I try to get him to elaborate, he refuses. Said he would start vomiting again. I called back, receiving the answering machine. I left a message that advised we need to decide something. I repeated I love him still and that if it is truly over, we need to finally, physically, divide up the property etc. Something we have NOT done. Since the child custody hearing in July, no more info or action has been taken on pursuing the divorce. I don't know if it is because there is a house involved & he doesn't want to sell it or what. I wanted to buy him out but he insisted that I can't afford it & he won't let me.
I have a meeting set up for monday @ 2PM with him at our house. Just me & him. No kids, no family, no friends. I TRULY WANT TO SAVE THIS! I do love him with all my heart. I can't even listen to the radio anymore because most songs will get me crying. Especially those I use to watch him play when in the bad. Please help me!! I am so desperate!!!
AnswerDear Ruth,
I have heard so many stories like this one! This situation is extremely common out there. I know you want him back and that you will do anything to keep him, but I really do think you need to let nature take it's course. I believe that you may love each other, but I don't think you truly know that you are supposed to be together for the rest of your lives. I see so many mishaps when you are together. I know that you are not supposed to have this many complications with any partner in love. When you fall in love with the right person, you should have absolutely no doubt in your mind that it is the right person. You should feel no apprehensions about the relationship that you are in or that you would like to be together for the rest of your life. I know this is hard for the children, but you will just make it harder if you keep prolonging this relationship. Show them that you can be strong out on your own and that you do not need anyone else. Instead of paying attention on how you are feeling, give 100% attention to them by playing games or talking or just having fun. They will respect and love you so much more if you put this situation aside and deal with what is in front of you. If your husband is truly supposed to be with you, then he will in one way or another. If he is madly in love with you, then he will not let you go. If he is not, then let him go. There is no use in wasting your time. There are so many wonderful men out there that are ready to commit. I know it is hard to let go. If you need to, try to spend time getting into other projects or hobbies. First of all it will get your mind off of him, and second of all it may give you a chance to meet others or even have something to talk about. The perfect man in the perfect marriage is almost to good to be true. Many married women that are married to the perfect man tell me that they can not believe that it is true. There is natural problems in every marriage, but these women find out that marriage is too good to be true when they find out that the perfect marriage is easy. It is too easy with your soulmate. Once you find the right person, you will be amazed how easy and perfect it is. They are perfectly right for you. I know this is hard for you to think about right now, but after seeing this happen time after time, I can bet my guns on it. Just leave yourself open to meeting other men and just concentrate on you and your children and your life will look different once you stick to it. This relationship that you have is not healthy. Try reading the book by Gary Smalley, "Hidden Keys of a Loving, Lasting Marriage", to help you decifer what you would like to have in a man. When and if you decide to split up your property, only take what you really need. It is important to leave the things that are not important so that you do not think of this relationship or to make him resentful towards you. From what you are explaining to me, I do not believe that this is a strong healthy relationship that you should pursue. For the sake of you and your children, you should get over and look onward. Can you see yourself happy with him in the next 5 years? Try looking elsewhere for another and maybe after a few years you can look at the situation between the two of you.
Good luck and write back if you need!
Kiya
