QuestionThanks again. As for the child custody hearing, that was this PAST July. Because of his drug abuse along with marijuanna use and drinking, there wasn't any issue about me keeping the kids. He became enraged when he found out the courts were made aware of his bad habits. He never mentioned my suicice. I think it wasn't brought up because it was about 2 years prior to the hearing & I also did get counseling help. I was in couseling for about 9 months. It then reached a point where I just can't afford it anymore. It costs me about $60 a week (and that is with insurance!!)
He is paying child support for all 3 girls. I just am looking for help with coping & what to do with my feelings. I hear his voice & my stomach knots up. I am not seeing anyone & would like to get into my local church. Problem is my work hours. I am only off work every other weekend (12 days work then 2 days off). This is between full-time & part-time. Keeps my mind off but as soon as I get home, ugh!!
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR LISTENING!! At least this is free for me & it does help ALOT!
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Thank you for your response. Just to give more info, I do work full-time. "(PS-I was working fulltime, parttime, & attending Internet college)"
I have been working full-time. I have been with my employer for over 11 years now. I took on the part-time job about 2+ years ago. It means working every other weekend. I took a leave from part-time because I had burned myself out. Working both jobs was keeping my mind off of things but I think it also cause more harm in the relationship since I (and he) were avoiding the situation because one of us was not around.
I hear what your saying about moving on. It is so hard. Every time I see him I melt. I just want to hold him again. My heart raises & my skin gets all tingaly like when we first dated. Why? Why now?
As far as the house, I did tell my lawyer I want it. I was advised that I would have to buy him out & show proof of morgtage acceptance. He has the right to tell the judge he refuses & then it is up to the judge to decided. My lawyer advised that most likely it will have to be sold. In the mean time, I & the kids are stuck in a tiny cottage & he has the whole, big house.
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We have been together for about 15 years, married for 8 this past year. We have one biological child together & he adopted my other two 2 months after the marriage.
Things have not been good for about 3+ years now. He has back pain issues and became hooked on pain meds along with the fact he would drink & smoke (get high). I felt it was getting out of hand. With the help of his father & stepmother, I demanded he go into rehab. Reluctantly, he did. This only last about 1 week till his mother went & rescued him. Things just seem to go down hill from there. Things were so bad for me at one point I attempted suicide. I was physically ok but spent about 3 days in the hospital for counseling. When I returned home, he was the perfect husband for about 2 weeks. Of course, things were back to the same old. I was taking prozac & xanax to numb my pain & ambien to put me to sleep. I would go away on weekends when I could just to get out of the house. Seeing both male & female friends. When I was home, I had no ambition & neither did he. We wouldn't talk. It was like to roommates passing in the night. On numerous occasions I would blow up at him, calling him awful names and at times, the kids would be around. I was just raging out of control because I felt I had already lost everything. I wanted him to move out & let me & this kids stay in our home but he refused. If there was going to be any change, I had to leave.
Finally, I decided to move out & try a separation. (We separated on 7/1/2005). I had HOPED he would chase after me. I mentioned this to him but really never got an answer. After several months, I would visit with friends & tired to make new ones. One was a male but we only were friends. Never anything more than that. He was on a limited income so I bought his twin girls a gift that he could give saying it was from Santa (or him). I went away with my girls to a local get away for 2 nights & this friend decided to surprise me & be there with his two girls also. Our rooms were on opposite sides of the place. Again, he was only a friend. Never even a hint of anything more. My husband found out about this through our youngest (6 at the time) & was VERY upset. Said it was not normal to meet someone on the Internet, etc.... This just would upset me more. I would chat with him for a few months before even attempting to meet. I'm not insane. Just was in need of a friend. I couldn't even have new friends. He felt I was putting our youngest in danger. He didn't even mention of the older two who were 15 & 16 at the time.
I did start to become close with one friend I reconnected with. We went to elementary school together till about 7th grade. He was single & I felt I was since I didn't get any responses back from my husband. I did think it was over. we were fighting. Then I told my husband I would never be returning home(I had hoped he would respond to this). He just asked me to leave. That was it??? I then found out he had been sort of seeing someone too. This in turn enraged me!! How can she get him out of his shell when I couldn't. Yes, I became very jealous to say the least but, I had no right to be.
I would still hang with my friend but I then realized that what I felt for the friend was only temporary & I was trying to fill a void that only my husband could. I called our relationship off but we are still friends. Almost 9 months has now passed since I broke it off.
My husband has told me things are bad with his relationship & that he can't make anybody happy. I want so much to make this work again. After s very careful review, things started going bad when he gave up playing in a band which was almost every Saturday night. This was OUR time together. Then, we would get high & drunk after work together. This seemed to be the only time I could communicate & get his attention to me. After my suicide attempt I called it quits with the THC & drinking. It wasn't going to be for him.
Now, I am in desperate need of help. He tells me he doesn't know what he wants. Once (only once) did he tell me there was nothing to save & it is over. This was about 8 months ago.
I myself feel I have truly made alot of positive changes in the last 8 months. I took myself off of my psych meds (I felt they were numbing me & all I would do is work & sleep. That was my average day), have practiced keeping calm in situations that I use to rage in, & have become a better house keeper (not perfect, just better). I even took a leave of absence from my parttime job for about 3 months to get closer with our girls & to help my mental situation. I use to be a compulsive spending which did not help our marriage either. I have since learned to say "NO" much more.
Oh, he filed for divorce in the beginning of this year after I filed for court ordered child support (I felt what he volunteered to pay wasn't enough & the courts did award more). I have realized that we were both wrong & have admitted to that. He has said he doesn't think he could get over the things I have done; like making new friends, not keeping the house clean (PS-I was working fulltime, parttime, & attending Internet college), and keep up with disciplining our kids. He does have some good points but he didn't help either. I have sent him an e-mail explaining how I feel and that I want it to work. I received a call about one thing & he mentioned that he doesn't want me to do that. He said it hurts, his nervous are shot, he can't make anyone happy, he doesn't know what he's going to do or what he wants anymore. If I try to get him to elaborate, he refuses. Said he would start vomiting again. I called back, receiving the answering machine. I left a message that advised we need to decide something. I repeated I love him still and that if it is truly over, we need to finally, physically, divide up the property etc. Something we have NOT done. Since the child custody hearing in July, no more info or action has been taken on pursuing the divorce. I don't know if it is because there is a house involved & he doesn't want to sell it or what. I wanted to buy him out but he insisted that I can't afford it & he won't let me.
I have a meeting set up for monday @ 2PM with him at our house. Just me & him. No kids, no family, no friends. I TRULY WANT TO SAVE THIS! I do love him with all my heart. I can't even listen to the radio anymore because most songs will get me crying. Especially those I use to watch him play when in the bad. Please help me!! I am so desperate!!!
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Hello Ruth,
1st thing,you need to counsel with a minister or a professional counselor.
2nd thing,have the kids help keep the house clean.They can do regular chores-seems to me you are doing it all.
3rd thing,get a full time job.
You have too much time on your hands and are thinking about things you have no control over.Your soon to be x,needs to be an x.He is not helping with anything,only dragging you down more.
As a mother you have resposibilities to your children .They do not need to be in a home where there are drugs,fights etc.Your other responsibility is to yourself.Take care of you.Get the counseling,full time job,divorce and move on with your life.
Meeting with your husband without the kids and family does not cure the problem.The kids and family will always be there.You are depressed right now and are looking at him as someone dependable upon whom you can count on emotionally and physically.Open your eyes and take a good look at him and his family.Do you want to live in this turmoil the rest of your life and have your children subjected to this for the rest of theirs?
Don't mention the house to him again-tell your attorney you want it.That simple.Your husband will have to help pay the rent or mortgage,plus child support.If he legally adopted the older two,you can get support for them also.
He has taken advantage of you long enough.
Don't worry about male friends right now,online or otherwise.Get your life together and eventually someone will come into your life that will be a help not a hindrance.
Rita
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Hello Ruth,
He is the father to your youngest,adopted the other two and won't let you and the children he supposedly loves live in the house!! He was the one that should have moved out.Yes,you will probably have to sell the house.
I saw where you were working full time,I meant to tell you to go back to work part time again.I am sorry about that.
It sounds like you have taken all the right legal steps,now you have to wait.
You were together for 15 years,you became adjusted to an unbalanced lifestyle.When you are all tingally around him it is the good times that your mind is remembering,not all the bad.
He doesn't care anymore.He can't help you.You have to take care of the children and yourself.Stay away from people that do drugs.Get involved in a church with the children.Begin making new friends,ones that aren't into partys,drugs and drinking.
You will find that visiting with a counselor will help you tremendously.Start as soon as possible.
Since your child custody isn't til July,use this time to get your head straight before you lose the children.
You have been the one that attempted suicide,ran off ,etc.He and his attorney will use all of these things to prove that you are an unfit mother.Your husband will use the excuse that he has been the only stable one in your relationship.Yes,I know he has been on pain medication etc.,but that is doctor prescribed.He will look good to the judge because of staying in his house,taking care of his life and paying you child support.
I am not against you on this,nor am I saying you are unfit as a mother.Just stating the facts you are up against.
It's time to take control of your life.Get back on track.Don't email him,call him,or visit him.The only thing the two of you should talk about is the children.Visitations etc.
Don't give him any more ammo to use.Don't date anyone til after the custody hearing.
If you are not at work,you are at home with the children or doing something with them.Take them to the movies,museums,get involved in their lives.Sign up to help at school functions.They only have one childhood and you only have one chance to enjoy it with them.
Rita
AnswerHi Ruth,
As to church,you don't have to attend every Sunday,it is always there just as God is always with you.Speak to a minister about these issues also.They are free and usually have a couple of years of psychology under their belt.I know you are tired at night, but once in awhile take some "me" time.Whether it is just taking a long hot bath,reading a book or going to bed early.Tell the girls what you are going to do.
Some work places have singles clubs-and so do some churches.A good way to meet others that share a common interest with you.
Take some online courses that you can do on your own time table, so there is no pressure.
Put the past behind you,live in the present and look forward to a great future.
I don't plan on leaving the site, so if you need anymore help,I am here.
God Bless and take care.Rita
