QuestionQUESTION: My husband and I have been married for 9 months come this June. In the beginning we were amazing. We were constantly showing/telling each other how much we loved one another and putting the other first. I understand that the 'new relationship phase' dwindles down, but I didn't realize we'd hit rock bottom before even a year.
Last summer is when it started going downhill, and I can't even find that pivitol moment that started it. I know that I get upset over what he calls "little things" but I know that the things that DO upset me never seem "little" to me. I also know that I'm touchy and emotional (what he calls "dramatic") but I try to keep it in check. He is more of a laid-back guy and I'm an up-and-go-getter. We handle arguments differently - he demands to fix things (even if it includes shouting matches) right then and there, while I beg him to give me a moment to cool down and reflect to see if maybe I am wrong or if I should continue.
Two months ago, my husband claimed to have had enough after a disagreement over living arrangements (I wanted to try and get a house - something he wants in the future but not now). He said "Can you blame me for not wanting a house with you?" insinuating that I am too difficult to live with. At that point, I needed to take a moment, whether he'd let me or not, and I exited the apartment. I did not leave the parking lot, but when I came back, he told me he had filed for divorce. Not knowing the process, I believed him and fell to pieces. He said that over the months it had been so hard - I know we had had our fights, but I never knew it was THAT bad. He said that he had already done his grieving and would not miss me. He felt as if I wanted him on his knees all the time, begging me after each fight (which of course, I don't. I just want him to be able to take a moment and understand why my feelings are hurt). The fight lasted for hours, including a moment where I had asked him if he wanted me on MY knees, to which he replied "would be a good start", and so I complied. We ended up staying together after I begged him to give me a chance to change for him.
Two months later, our first fight occurred, sparked with an action from him that hurt my feelings. When he finally asked what was wrong with me, I asked him if he realized my feelings were hurt. He replied "How the hell did I hurt your feelings?" I explained the situation, and said that I wasn't intending to be a "female dog" (in polite terms, just in case), but he replied "Maybe because you are one." He told me that he saw no change in me (despite the fact everyone I have sought advice from has told me that they themselves have seen it), and instead, the only change that has taken place is in himself - that he's been biting his tongue not to argue with me. I have not noticed this, since we have not had any arguments. I always take extra care to see how he is feeling, because emotions are so important to me. I want him to feel good about himself.
So, I asked him, if he has not seen any change and me, and since he believes people CAN'T change, then why did he not leave me when he had already filed for divorce? Why doesn't he take back the whole "I changed my mind" thing and leave me like he initially wanted? He replied that he never actually filed for divorce. So for two months, I've been living a hell thinking I was so horrible that I'd driven my husband to, all in his own words: "Not want me anymore, want to divorce me, already done his grieving and would not miss me, and have ruined his life."
Am I too easily hurt by things I shouldn't be? Should I just give up and leave? He is at work now, and I sent him a text message saying "We need to try and talk without fighting when you get home tonight. Can you ask yourself, are you really happy with me?" No answer yet.
I apologize for this being so lengthy, but I feel my marriage could end any day now. Is there anything I can do to save it? Let me know if I need to clarify on anything.
Thank you. So much.
ANSWER: Hi Kristina~
He is insulting your intelligence. He's a jerk! Can't you see what he's doing here? He's treating you like a piece of dirt. He made you beg on your hands and knees--for him not to leave you? Have you no pride? I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be rude, rather I want to see exactly what he's doing to you and your self-esteem and self worth. He's stomping it into the ground (what you have left); by making you believe that he's God's gift to women, like you should be grateful and thankful he's with you. He's a complete cad! No self respecting man would make his wife (whom he should love and adore), would make her bow down to him. You're his wife, not his slave/hired help or maid. And he's insulting your intelligence and dignity.
His behavior is rude, crude and socially unacceptable. You don't need a man to treat you with such disrespect and w/o regard for your feelings. He's doing this b/c you allow it. See, you teach a person how to treat you. He can't make you feel inferior w/o your permission. And while you can't control how he acts, you can choose the way you react to him.
You need to decide if you want to stay with (which in my opinion he's not, and you could do so much better) him. Whatever decision you make isn't going to be an easy one though.
But to answer your question. No, I don't think he's capable of changing, due to the degree that he degrades and treat you. He turns this around and makes you think it's your fault for the way he acts. You're not the problem here, he is. I think this marriage is too gone to salvage, besides why would you want to save a marriage when he treats you like utter crap. If he loved and truly respected you, then he would treat you well, not badly.
Perhaps it is better if the marriage does end. I know this is probably not something you want to hear, but I'm sorry, I feel compelled to tell you the brutal and most honest truth (as an outsiders opinion). Now the decision is up to you.
If you have any further questions please feel free to ask.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thank you for your answer, sometimes it's good to get kicked in the ass with reality.
I must've come to my senses (or at least attempted to), because the day before I received your reply (Saturday), I attempted to leave him. I was able to get out of the apartment, and of course he followed with the cruelest things said to date (I won't go into detail, this doesn't need to be another novel-length question). But here's the reason for my followup question: he told me that if I left that night, he would change the locks and sell my stuff. So after he insisted on that, I turned around to go back and get my belongings. Well then, his answer changed, and he said he wouldn't let me into HIS apartment, and that he wanted to me to "leave with nothing from this marriage." He claims that the apartment is HIS, everything is HIS. (Not to mention that if I leave, he intends to call my parents and tell them how I am a horrible person). Of course, we reconciled, and he told me that he doesn't want to say such mean things to me anymore. The next day, again, he acted as if nothing happened, because he wants us to just be "normal."
My question is, am I able to get a restraining order in order to get my things? And what can I claim as MY things? He can have the apartment - we leased it together in May of 2006, 4 months before marriage. He can have the car as well, since his mother gave it to us. But he intends to keep EVERYthing - I was informed that everything that was given to me from MY family (such as from my bridal shower), I would be able to keep. I understand 'marital assets,' but I need this clarified.
Thank you. I am so lost in this.
AnswerHi Kristina~
HA! Classic case of a man losing control and then using lies and threats to get exactly what he want through intimidation. He's insulting your intelligence, really. How stupid is he really to think you're acting going to fall for his BS and actually think you're going to believe this rubbish. You should've just laughed at him. He obviously knows absolutely nothing about your rights.
You are entitled to anything that you incurred during the marriage, as a couple. That includes the car that his mother gave to you as a couple, even though it was a gift. He can't kick you out of the apartment, nor can he keep your stuff, or he can't change the locks on the apartment. All you have to do is call the police on him if he locks you out and refuses to give you your personal possessions. By that I mean at the very least your personal effects, such as clothes, etc. The police can stand by and wait for you to get that at the least. The rest you can get from him when you take him to court. And get an order from a judge making him return or give you the value of half of everything you got during the marriage. If he wants you out of the apartment then he has to go through the courts and properly have you evicted from the home (unless, of course, you leave of your own free will, which you're free to do of your own accord).
I hope in all my rambling I've made some sort of sense. If you have any further questions please feel free to ask.
