QuestionMy wife and I, both in our 30's, have been married for just over two years. Its been good for most of those years but the last 6 months have been tough (no kids by the way - and none on the way because we haven't had sex for 4 months). She's from another part of the country and her parents have been pushing us to move back - which I agreed to do after I complete my masters degree and get more experience in my field, maybe 4 years later.
But pressure from her parents is going to her and filtering down to me, and it's getting old real fast. She is giving me a lot of stress. They want her back but nothing will change until I know I can secure a decent job.
So I've been neglecting her a bit because of all the reminding, nagging, and pushing to move sooner than we agreed. I think she understands my situation, but she gets sad with herself for treating me the way she does. She feels really depressed because of the pressure from her parents, the way she treats me, and the way I treat her.
For me it's one thing at a time and, while the nagging bothers me, I don't hold it against her. I mean, I'm not the only man who has a wife that nags, right? So I was surprised when she suddenly announced that she wants to consider moving out for a few months and 'take a break' and see if she can break the cycle we've created.
I suggested ideas like going on dates, I could be more romantic, take a holiday, and having more independent time away from each other. But she seems more convinced she can't stand to be around me right now.
That was a real wake-up call for me to be a bit more sensitive to her. I could be angry, but there's no point in that. However, it does bother me the way she is going about this. Instead of trying to talk and work things out, I feel like her reaction is too drastic. Now I feel like I'm having second thoughts about living close to her overbearing parents and having a wife that can't deal with problems very well.
Of course I'm willing to work on it, but...
Is separation a good way to save a marriage? Can it work?
Why do women act so silly sometimes? Is it normal? Am I insensitive?
I don't suspect another man. I don't have anger issues and I'm not lazy or poor (not rich either). I'm reasonably well-groomed and am not ugly. I'm not boring and my wife and I get along quite well most of the time and have a laugh or two. She just says that 'it's not you, it's me' line that I don't get - part of it is that I have been neglecting her....so of course it is me too.
I don't understand why we can't just fix it - or is that the problem?
AnswerRather than wonder, just ask, "what is behind your desire to get a separation? If you're confident it's the moving thing, perhaps some time back with her parents will "cure" her. If it's somebody else, at least it will "call" the cards. People have to remember that the illusive "being happy" is the most important state of mind to be in and we should all yearn for it, and have it as a goal. Once couples find out they aren't happy, they need to set a strategy in motion to get happy and then work towards it at an agreed rate, and review the path from time to time to see if they are still on track, and be patient. So, even though you may loose her in the trial separation, is it really worth trying to hold onto something that may never be what you both want? That is the decision you both have to decide on one way or another...
Bill
