QuestionHi, I recently filed for divorce because I found out my wife of 4 years had been cheating on me for the last 6 months. This is my second marriage and I felt was the end of my search for a soulmate. She had convinced me she would never cheat as she had been cheated on in a prior marriage. (I was her 3rd marriage) All the signs were there. New Panites, changing her hair color, new clothes, being on business trips over weekends, not answering calls when Im out of town and the cell phone trail. Its been 2 1/2 months and I still breakdown once a day thinking about her. Im not sure what to do. Im not a bar person so I feel very uncomfortable there. Im trying the internet dating but it feels wierd. Im not even sure I should be looking to be honest as my head is so f**ked up. I dont wanna screw someone else because Im screwed up. She says she still loves me and is still in love with me. She is 45 years old and recently lost 30 lbs. I think I wasnt paying enough attention to her so she started going to bars and met some guy there. After filing I found out 10 years ago she had been convicted of fraud and embezzlement of 300K. She also owes 250,000 to the IRS for those years. She owes another 30000 to the state and 80000 in restition to the county we live in. I didnt know any of this.
Why the hell am I still missing this woman so badly. Am I that freaking weak that I cant cut my losses and run ?
HELP !!!!!!!!!!!!
Lostwithoutmeaning
AnswerHi Marc~
First off, you shouldn't even think of contemplating dating at this point. For one you're still legally married and it's not right to be dating someone when you're still married and not even divorced yet. Secondly, as you already mentioned, you're not in the right state-of-mind to even be involved with someone else. So first things first, you need to decide ultimately what you're going to do about the marriage. She's obviously a liar, not to mention a cheat. And her other marriages (you being now the third) have ended in divorce, that should tell you something right there, after all she's divorced for a reason (most likely due to lying and even cheating). All that should have been a glaring warning to you before you even married her. Anyway, what's done is done and you can't change it now. But you can go through with the divorce process and move on with your life and begin to rebuild it and start anew yet again. The key here is to pull out your strength and get that will power to do it. The hardest part is taking the first step to do so and then actually going through with it. Trust me, I know what you're going through. I've certainly been there and done that so I've got the experience of a cheating spouse, the sleepless night b/c you stay awake not knowing what in the hell you're going to do from one moment to the next, the lying spouse, the worthless cheating spouse, etc, etc.
There is only so much a person can take before they finally reach their breaking point and they can't do it anymore. The question to ask yourself is when it your breaking point? How much longer does this have to go on before you finally get sick and tired of it and you finally say, NO MORE?! When does that time come for you, Marc? Only you can answer that for yourself. You are the only one that controls you. YOU are the one that has to life your life no one else. You make choices and decisions for yourself, Marc. No one else. With all that said, all of these thoughts and feeling and contemplating of whether to be with her or not are totally normal amd really to be expected. It's going into the unknown and also knowing that you're marriage has failed. Face it at one point in time you really and truly loved her. But now unfortunately that has somehow changed due to her poor choices and bad decisions. She's the one that now has to be held responsible for her actions by you leaving her and moving on with your life. It's unfortunate that it all had to come down to this choice. You're going to have to be willing, ready, able and prepared to move on with your life.
You love and miss her and that's why it makes you weak. You can't help to feel this way, ANYONE and I mean ANYONE in your current situation would feel this way. Just b/c you feel this way and can't help it doesn't mean you have to be weak and take this abuse (and it's a form of abuse) from her and to continue to let her manipulate you. You are better than that and you deserve better than what she's currently capable of giving you. You have to be strong when it comes to making decisions to move on with your life. If you don't, then you're only going to continue to be miserable and things will only get that much worse as time goes on. Cut your losses and move on with your life. The choice is yours and one only you can make, it all starts with you.
