QuestionMy wife and I have been married 15 yrs and have had our trouble. I'm from Mass. and she Ohio. We live in OH for 17 yrs. Our personallities are different but That's one of her qualitys that attracted me. We have 2 boys 11 + 9 yrs old. We were seperated 2 yrs ago for 6 mths and now she wants a divorce. She says she's not in love w me and doesn't want to give the marriage any more chances. I told her I would make changes but every time I do I always fall back into a rut. I love this girl and am willing to do anything. If she's not wanting to save the marriage is there cases were I can make a permanent change and win her back after the divorce. I've been told to make changes for myself and maybe she will c those, but I have the problem wondering how she can c them if we are divorced. She has already seen an attorney. Is ther any way I can save my marriage?????????
AnswerHi Jason,
Thanks for writing. I can really tell that you want to find a way -- almost any way -- to save your marriage. I feel for you and what you are going through.
First, I appreciate that you admit that you have opportunities to save your marriage which you have blown. I am sure from your wife's point-of-view the odds of you doing anything different, at least at this point, aren't good. I'm sure she's sick of hearing words, and would have liked to see action. Now it sounds like she is bent on divorce, and there is nothing you can do about that. Yes, I have seen couples get back together after a divorce, but the only way that works is that if one or both of the individuals go through a major, lasting and profound change. Otherwise we can predict they'll go back to the same old dysfunctional patterns.
You really do need to let go and not pursue her anymore Work on yourself, and get out of the rut for good. She'll know you have changed -- you have kids and you will occasionally have contact with her, and they will talk to her about you. Believe me, she'll be interested in what you are up to and if you have stayed in the rut or not. Whoever told you to change for yourself was correct. From my experience, the only way she'll ever come back is if you truly release pursuit of her, move on and truly improve yourself. That is what I encourage you to do.
Good luck to you.
Doctor Becky
