QuestionI am having some real issues in my broken marriage, we have been married for 5 years, known each other for 2 years previous. We have 2 kids both under 5 years old. My job requires me to have crazy shifts and shift lengths, being in the military. I work long hours and some weekends. Our marriage has been rough for years mostly all of it. I was in technical training when I was fooling around with another woman, not sexually but on a deeper personal relationship than should be going on. 3 years ago I cheated multiple times and really screwed up our relationship. 2 years ago I told her everything and we started the healing process, and I have been good ever since then. I can not seem to get out of that way of thinking though, and most of it is derived from the lack of ambition from my wife. Throughout our marriage she has been a stay at home mom, and before kids she had a full time job. Being a stay at home mom I believe that she should be taking care of the house duties. She does nothing of the sort, I feel as if she is taking advantage of the things I provide. All of this probably sounds out of order, but my mind is going 100 miles an hour. She has no sex drive and no ambitions in life, I am bored to tears and fed up with the fact she doesn't do anything around the house except keep my kids alive. Before marriage we used to party and have great times, with multiple rounds in the bed a day. Now I am lucky to get it once a month or once every 2 weeks. I understand and have accepted the lower sex drive due to kids and blah blah blah. We have tried to work out schedules for her to get house work done, but they don't work at all. All I see is laziness, let me put it in perspective. We have netflix and in the last 2 days she has watched 29, 44 minute episodes, of a TV show. That is a god awful amount of time wasted watching TV in my eyes. Oh by the way I picked up a second job 2 months ago to get extra money to send our 4 year old to preschool. I see myself succeeding at the job we both decided I would do, which was provide for my family and put food on the table and a roof over our heads, plus clothes, but I do not see her succeeding at the job she chose. My question is where do we go from here? Counseling, Separation, or Divorce or something else? Thank you for your guidance.
AnswerHi TJ~
Are you saying she doesn't even do the bare minimal around the house, like trying to at least keep things/toys, etc picked up. I mean having kids is a never ending and a huge FT job, then you throw in having to take care of a house, cook, etc. It can easily become overwhelming to a person. Or do you think she's just taking full advantage of you and expects you to do her duties when you come home, and she uses the I take care of the kids all day, all the time excuse? I'm not making any excuse for her behavior at all. Rather just trying to get a real feel for how she's spending this time when you're working and away. I've been a SAHM (stay at home mom) for the last 18 yrs and I love it, and I have 4 children. I'm not saying I kept the house perfect, but I do something all the time and just about every day b/c the job never seems to be done nor are there enough hours in the day, besides, I clean house for an entire day and then it's messy the next. I still do it though b/c my husband and I agreed that we wanted me to be a FT SAHM, so my duties as a wife and mother are to take care of the house. Granted he's the one that cooks about 95% of the time when it comes to our meals, but he likes to cook. I do just about everything else when it comes to kids and the house, pay bills, chores, etc and the list goes on and on.
By her agreeing to be a SAHM she needs to pull her weight and do something other than sit on her butt and watch tv all the time. And you're very right that's an awful lot of tv to watch in just a couple of days. I admit I watch way too much tv, however, I get my work done in between thanks to the DVR and technology in this day and age. I get too bored if I sit around too much for too long. Plus it's not good for you or healthy to live a sedentary life style. Sure, I like to be lazy some days, but I make up for it when I do. It seems like I'm always doing something and I also try to set out to accomplish at least one thing per day, even if it's small, like doing the dishes or a load of laundry. It's unfair for her to expect you to do everything and her not much while you bust your butt and she sits on hers. She seems to be taking advantage of your kindness and mistaking it for a weakness.
You need to sit down with her and have a serious heart to heart talk with her. She needs to know how this is affecting you. And what you're willing and unwilling to put up with in this marriage. She's doing this b/c you allow her to, and the longer you keep tolerating this behavior from her, the more she'll keep doing it b/c it works for her. The choice is yours and it's one that only you can make.
