Navigating a Trial Separation After Infidelity: A Guide to Responsibility

Question
I cheated on my wife a few months ago and was recently caught by a letter I wrote that was on my laptop. I had ended it a while ago, but was secretive and deceptive about it throughout. My wife kicked me out and has said she wants a one year separation to "be herself". We have been together eight years, all of her adult life. She has waited for me through two military deployments and now says that I must wait for her. In one year, if Im showing responsibility and not being cocky or verbally abusive or a know it all, we will date three times. This is when we will get back together if I am a fit in her life. We have two kids under two and I want to get back into the family life before theyre too traumatized over it. Do you think this will work? She only calls me so my daughter can say hi to daddy, and we will only have a relationship for the kids needs for this year. I want this to work and will do what it takes to reach these three dates. Please advise.

Answer
Justin - the odds are that the trial separation she suggested will NOT work.  In fact, it is just the opposite of what needs to happen to rebuild this relationship.

What you need is to be together.  With the help of a counselor.

A year is just too much space and too little contact.

You need to do two things immediately;

1.  You must acknowledge your infidelity, accept responsibility, and apologize as often as she needs it.  It might be maddening for you but do it.  This is the first critical step to reconciliation.

2.  Ask her to go a marriage counselor just ONE time.  That's all you need to ask for at this point.  Don't ask for more.  Ask her if eight years and two children are worth one hour of her time.  It's kind of hard to say no to that.

A good counselor will expose some significant issues in the first hour and hopefully encourage her to return.  Your job is to get her to only the one session - let the counselor take over from there.

Try that and let me know how it goes.  If she disagrees, we may have to try another approach.

God bless and thank you for your service,
David