Navigating Separation and Divorce After Infidelity: A Guide

Question
My husband and I have been married for ten years this November 13th. Five years ago he had a long term affair with a woman he worked with. We separated for nine months while he was on a ship with the Navy. We got back together and we were doing great for about three more years. Then we moved all the way to North Carolina from Washington state and things went down hill from there. He was gone at work constantly and I began to feel very lonely. I got into the gym thinking it would make me feel better and ended up having an affair with my trainer (no joke). The affair continued off and on for about two years. But I continued to think things would get better with my husband and we would work things out. One day the other mans wife called my husband and told him about the affair. My husband wanted to leave me at first and for awhile I was going to let him. Then he told me he really wanted to work things out and go to counseling. I said okay. We went to three meetings and by the end of the third week we had one our fights about something stupid. This prompted him to tell me that he really could not get over the affair and that he wanted a divorce. He told me he could not stop thinking about me with this other man. I am very upset about this because I truly want to stay with my husband. We have two children together and I can tell this is effect them badly. He had moved into the downstairs bedroom and won't talk about anything but how its not going to work out. Today I finally came to the realization that he doesn't want to be with me. So, I asked him one more time is this what you really want. He said yes and I said okay lets do this. I began to call an attorney and talk to him about how to get back to Washington and move on. Then my husband comes home and starts talking to me about if we should do this or not??!!!! He thinks that maybe a separation might be better so we could get back together if we want to later after a break. I am confused. I don't know if this is a hopeless case and I should just move on or if I should get out now. He wants me to promise him that we will never fight again, but I can't. I love him but I don't think that I can live walking on egg shells all of the time. How can we work this out?

Answer
I think when there is an affair by one spouse, things are bad, when both have lost the committment of the marriage, there isn't much true hope, false hope I think is what you are experiencing. The dynamics of an affair are really different for a man and a woman, despite what each may think or say. A man is in the affair just for uncommitted sex, thinking with the little head, which is why he says to his wife when he gets caught, "it didn't mean anything" or "it just happened." A woman's desire for an affair is really to get some emotional comfort, the sex is a sideline usually for the male counterpart to keep him intersted, and after the counterpart's desire is fulfilled the affair usually gets over, although I'm sure he's told her all kinds of stories about "how it will be different." So knowing this, for a husband to forgive a wife is quite a different story than the wife forgetting the "naughty" husband. I'll assume in your case that your husband is fearing the finality of a divorce, especially the child support payments, so he'll try to keep you on a string forever ( while he is likely still carrying on with someone else). You can try a separation if you like but put a time limit on it, be sure he is not in the same house (separated with him in the basement isn't separated), no sex with him during, and prepare yourself emotionally and financially to move to divorce at the conclusion. This is all not to say that you could not work things out, it is just kind of unlikely. You would both have to agree that whatever went on during the affairs is over, forgotten, not to be repeated, etc. But how would you trust each other again, and how will he ever get over the thought of you with this other person, it just won't happen and will continually come up in fights. And believe me the continued rollercoaster ride for the kids will have consequences, you'll have to trust me on that.

Bill