QuestionI have been married to my husband for 7 years and we have a 6 yr old boy. Before we were married, we lived together for 5 years. After a year, I realized he had a very serious drinking and drug problem--he almost lost his job, he was pulled over several times for drinking and driving (but no DWI because he'd in law enforcement). He was also a drug user. Life was awful and when I got up enough courage to leave, he went to rehab. Suddenly, he was great and two years later,we married. After my son was born, my husband started talking about drinking again. He stopped going to AA and eventually, two years into our marriage, starting drinking occasionally. This is how it has been for the past five years. We he drinks, he gets smashed. But he only drinks every couple of months or every few weeks. He says there is nothing wrong with him and his family and friends agree that I'm overreacting by being bothered by this. But he has driven home drunk several times, gotten drunk on special days (my second mother's day) and this past summer, I went across the country for a workshop and on the second night I was gone, I couldn't get a hold of him on his cell or the house phone. Three hours later, when he answered, he had friends at our house and they were all smashed. My son was upstairs sleeping. For the most part, he is a good man and usually sober, but he lies a lot about the drinking, which again, is only once in a while. He says he has it in check, but every time he drinks, he's trashed and it destroys me. He tells me to get over it.
After the incident when I went away, I was so angry, for the first time in our history, I almost fell into an affair with another man. I am 37 and fell like my life is passing me by. My husband and I were in counseling for 2 years but now he feels it's all in my head our problems and he refusing to even go to counseling. I am at my wits end. I am afraid to be alone for the rest of my life but my life now is making me miserable. I don't trust what he says--when we lived together in his heavy drinking days before we were married, he cheated on me a few times when he was drunk. I can't tell if he needed some time off from drinking or if he really is an alcoholic. In rehab, they treated him as an alcoholic/drug addict (cocaine). I am so afraid if I stay and say okay, drink, things will get bad again. Right now, I fight him on his drinking and that keeps it at a minimum, but he lies a lot about it. If I say fine, drink, things could go bad again. Right now, I am miserable with his drinking every few weeks. Should I just get it over and divorce him? I still love him but I am so anxious and sad most of the time.
AnswerHi Jenn~
He's an alcoholic, there's no doubt about it. He can't control his drinking, and when he drinks he drinks to get smashed and drunk. An alcoholic is a person that can't control his drinking and drinks frequently to get drunk. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. If one goes to AA and into treatment, they are called a recovering alcoholic. The reason being is there is a always the chance they will have a relapse and start drinking again (sometimes it doesn't take much either). Did you know that the child of an alcoholic has a 50% chance of becoming an alcoholic at some point in their life?! It's very true. My father was an alcoholic almost his entire life. He came from a family line of alcoholics; his grandparents, his parents, his brothers, etc. That's why I never touch the stuff. My sister at one point in time had a serious problem with alcohol. She has an incident when her son was 1 yrs old at the time, where she was in an accident from her drinking and driving; they could've been killed or killed some innocent person. Luckily, she didn't, but she was placed on probation for it (she wrecked her car and was charged with DWI) for 3 yrs due to her actions. This has taught her a very valuable lesson.
You can't change him if he refuses to change. He's denying the help that he so desperately needs again. He'll probably be an alcoholic the rest of his life. You don't want him to bring you down with him. So why continue to tolerate his behavior. Did you also know that the most influential role model in a child's life is the same-sexed parent?! So your son will most likely model his fathers behavior down the road some time. He'll grow up thinking it's normal to drink and act like his father does. That's a pretty scary thought when you sit down and really think about it. Isn't it?! So you owe it to your son to remove him from this dangerous situation and from his father's bad influence.
You now have to decide if you want to remain with him in the marriage. Or if you're finally tired of it and you decide you want out. Whatever decision you make isn't going to be an easy one. So perhaps it is in your best interest (given what you've been through) if you do seriously think about divorcing him.
