QuestionWhat does it mean when my husband says he doesn't feel anything anymore?? Can we fall in love again?? we have been separated for four months now, he left because he said he didn't feel appreciated,supported, and loved by me anymore. I was very hard on him and always had my guards up with him, afraid he would hurt me even though we were married 14 yrs. he started seeing someone during the separation that he was talking to on the phone before we separated. he says he thinks he fell in love (his words) he says he can't describe the feeling but says she makes him feel like superman, hes happy when he's around her, and misses her when they don't talk. he broke it off with her a month ago because he says she wasn't ready to be completely open and honest with him and thats what he needs. we started talking to one another without arguing 2 weeks ago and says for the first time since we separated he feels like he wants back in. I have been working on myself since the separation (self-help books and cd's, meditation, taking responsibility for my part in the downfall of the marriage) so i can fill myself up so i could be whole for me and a new relationship. he says he can see a great change in me and it is awesome. he stop calling me, i knew something was wrong so i went to him to find out. we had not seen each other in a month. i found out that he had called the women he was seeing that morning after not talking with her or seeing her for 3wks. He said he
was feeling lonely and missed her. And then he told me that he had been trying to choose between she and i even though he wasn't seeing her and believed that he called her because he had chosen her. he says I am the best choice and she cannot touch me with a ten foot pole but he is afraid to come back, what if things return to the way they were before he left? and she comes without the painful past that we have. He says it would be easier to be with her. After talking to him and letting him know that i was sorry for hurting him during our marriage and that i hope he has a good life, i hugged him and he said he just didn't feel anything. We talk for about 2 hours more and he said he was feeling something. By the end of the night he'd decided that she was not what he wanted and he and i would talk and date again to see if we could reconcile. I told him that i was second-rate to knowone and that i was not door number two and if what he is doing is deciding whether we can forgive and share a life together i would be willing but i will not participate in him choosing between me another. He called and told her that he shouldn't have called her and that he and his wife have been talking and he likes what hes hearing and we are going to try and reconcile. we live in different states, so we have been talking every day for hours on end and texting each other but not seeing each other in person. He called me the other day and said that he has talked to this other women that he says he wants to remain friends with twice not in a sexual manner. he said when he gets off the phone with her he feels something he doesn't quite know what it is. He also said that there is something about her that he can't put his finger on but that he doesn't trust her and yet he has feelings for her. He told me that he wants to come back but he doesn't want to come back thinking about another women, he wants to come back whole and wants me to be open to talk about her if he needs to so we can get over this. I have been open to listen and said i would continue. He says he is going on a spiritual fast from dealing with any women including me for 21 days to put his feelings into perspective where this women is concerned and to see if he really wants to come back to this marriage or is he just afraid and fearing the unknown world of dating or if he just want to be by himself. He said he feels as if he has made his mind up already and thats recommitting to this marriage but he wants to be sure and feels like this will give him clarity. I agreed that he should take time to himself since he ran from here having sex, trying to occupy his time with work and friends, trying to be in a relationship so the pain of our marriage ending would not feel so bad. He said he did these things to not feel so lonely that he would come back and ran out here and had sex because he thought if he did that i would not take him back. He didn't think that having sex with this person would turn into this feeling he has. Do you think that me not being physically there right now is working against him keeping these feelings for me? Can you truly reconcile if your spouse feels their in love with someone else even though they aren't seeing them anymore?? Should i be ok with him continuing a friendship with her?? I also said to him that i may not be available when he finishes this fast and don't want him to think I'll be sitting around waiting on him. He says he realizes thats a possibility thats what makes this hard but he needs to do it for himself. should i wait??
AnswerDear tee,
The real answer lies within you. Do you truly feel that you were not being a wife that appreciated, supported or loved him anymore? Or do you feel this was just an excuse because he met another woman? Even if you were not being the wife that you could have been, he still should not have separated after meeting another woman. This is an affair. If he felt this way, he should have either worked it out at the time or separated when this first evolved. I believe that it was a convenient time for him to leave because he had just found another woman that he thought he could have a relationship with. I feel like he is putting the blame on you for not being a good wife, when in actuality, he is the one that did not do what was right. If I were you, I would tell him that you need your time, whether it be 1 month or 1 year, to figure out if HE is someone that you even want to have back. In this time, I would spend your time doing what is best for you. If you do not have kids, enjoy being alone and if you do meet someone else that is interesting, go and enjoy getting to know someone new. I can bet that if you met another man and became extremely close, he would be right there at your doorstep, wanting you back immediately. I would not take him back, but if you do, make sure you wait as long as possible. A man that has an affair, will most likely do it again. If you do leave him, do it in the most friendly way possible. This way, he will always regret doing this to you as well as not begging for you back.
Take care and good luck!
Kiya
