QuestionI have told my wife that I want a divorce. She is a confirmed, severe alcoholic for about 4 years. She/we have been to rehab, AA, Alalon constantly but to apparently no avail. I'm told she doesn't do the program right. Anyway, she cycles: binge followed by profuse apologies etc. for a period of time, then another binge. The cycles are progressively shorter and I have had it. The past few episodes have seen me motel it for increasingly longer stays where I think about divorce. This time I said it to her. Each time however, I come back home. I see myself drifting back to that conclusion again but don't want to. If I could snap my fingers and be done with it, I would. I guess the big problem is that she is dependent on me. How do I get past the guilt of discarding her after over 20 years of being together even though I have justification? Thanx, Steve
AnswerDear Steve,
Thank you for contacting allexperts.com. I hope that I can assist you with your question.
It sounds as though you are going through a very difficult time. It is so unfortunate when circumstances occur that make an otherwise happy marriage unhappy.
I am very surprised that your wife has become an alcoholic only within the past four years. This is very atypical behavior unless, in her case, she has simply replaced an addiction to something else, with alcohol.
Although alcoholism is generally regarded as a disease rather than a behavioral problem, the person must want to be well in order for there to be any improvement in the situation. It is obvious from your wife's behavior that even when she says she wants to stop, she cannot do so. I'm sure you are aware that there are medications available that makes drinking alcohol impossible, however, getting your wife to agree to this treatment doesn't seem realistic.
What you must remember is that you are not responsible for another person's actions and behavior. She is an adult woman who is fully aware of how her drinking is affecting you and your life together. She has the ultimate control and choice over the end result of your marriage. I am certain that you have told her time and time again how her drinking affects you and how you cannot continue living this way. SHE is making the decision to "discard" the marriage - not you.
While it may be true that she is "dependant" upon you, you and I both know that she is using that factor to her advantage in this relationship. You cannot be responsible for another person's life. We are all responsible for our own lives. Again, if she loses her support (you), through her own actions, she is making the decision - not you.
It is strongly apparent that your wife has some emotional problems that she cannot deal with resulting in an addictive personality, or that she is very genuinely addicted to alcohol. God knows there are literally dozens of organizations, such as those you mentioned in your email to me, that are designed to help people with these problems. The help is out there, available to her, but in order to get well she MUST want to get better. That is the bottom line, isn't it? Wanting to get better. She is not yet ready to do that.
Steve, you have the right to a happy life. It is not your responsibility as a husband to sit back and watch this person you love destroy themself. If I were you I would give her one last chance to get clean, with the understanding on her part that it is her last chance and that if she will not apply herself 100 percent toward beating this thing that you have NO ALTERNATIVE but to remove yourself from the whole ordeal. There is nothing more you can do.
Best of luck to you. I hope that things work out. Please let me know what happens.
R.M. French
