QuestionI am a 31-year-old woman. I have been married almost 8 years, although I have been living with my husband for almost 11 years. As of three years ago, I had to stop working due to a chronic illness. I had just finished my graduate degree and had expected to advance in my career. My husband, who is 35-years-old, finished his bachelor's degree this past summer. He works full-time and just started working on an advanced degree. We do not have children.
A major problem in my opinion is lack of a quality relationship. In addition to working 45+ hours per week, he spends approximately 5 hours a week bowling in a league. While his class is 3 hours per week, he also spends about 6 hours doing projects and reading. On Sundays, he spends the entire day (1-8pm) watching football. As if 8 hours of football were not enough, he is involved in 3 fantasy football leagues (he spends at least 5 hours per week on this). I feel like I am constantly competing for his time. I don't feel I am being selfish by asking him to spend less time on football and more time with me, especially since Sunday is one of his two days off of work. I don't think it is acceptable to spend so much time on football. He says I need to find friends to make me happy. While I agree friendships are important, marriage has always been my priority.
Another issue is lack of sex. He is only interested maybe once per month. He blames my health, but, when I try to make advances, he makes excuses (he's too tired, has to get up early, etc.). This is probably my biggest concern.
Another issue is the fact that we do not have children. I wanted kids about 6 years ago but he wanted to wait until he finished school. I always wanted children when I was in my 20's. I ended up waiting and going back to school instead. Now, I have a chronic health condition that may cause problems with a pregnancy. I really resent him for asking me to wait, as now I don't know if I am healthy enough to go through a pregnancy or raise a child based on my energy level and chronic pain.
I would like to work this marriage out but not sure if it is possible. I feel like he doesn't want a relationship based on his behavior. While I agree with him that I don't have many close friendships, it is difficult to make and maintain friendships when I don't know how I will feel physically from day to day. I have lost some friends over the years because they didn't understand why I had to cancel plans to get together. At the present time, I have 2 friends that I get together with a few times per month. I also spend time talking on the phone and corresponding via email to stay in touch. I am concerned that if I did divorce, I do not have a strong social network to get me through. Even if I was healthy, it is difficult to develop friendsips with others my age, as most people have family responsibilities at this stage of life.
I really need some advice.
AnswerDear Hannah,
Thank you for contacting allexperts.com. I hope that I can assist you with your question.
I have read your post and frankly, I am not sure what you are asking me. I will do my very best to give you an opinion based upon the information furnished.
Let's take the issues one at a time.
Your husband's schedule and the perceived lack of a quality relationship due to football.
You stated in the first paragraph of your correspondence that, as of three years ago you had completed your advanced degree. You also stated that because of a chronic illness you have had to stop working.
Prior to these two events occurring, I would guess that you were a very busy lady indeed. Between attending school and working full time, I would speculate that you didn't have a great deal of time to spend with your husband. Consequently, he was forced to develop interests that did not involve you. I expect that you didn't object to this since you were wrapped up in your own life at that time. In fact, I would expect that you were glad that he had other interests which gave you the time that you needed to concentrate on the matters at hand.
But now things are different. Now you don't have the school and the work to keep you busy and you resent that your husband has other interests. Seems a little selfish doesn't it when you really stop and think about it? As long as his activities didn't interfere with yours, it was fine, but now that you crave more attention from him, they have become a problem.
Be this as it may, however, I do believe that there is room for compromise. I don't think it would be unfair of you to ask him to cut back on his Sunday football time a little bit. Personally, I don't think it is healthy for anyone to sit in front of a television set for eight hours at a time. The human body needs such things as fresh air, exercise and sunshine in order to maintain good health. I feel that you would be well within your rights as a wife to request that, at the very least, he spend a little time with you rather than having to watch every game that comes along. Now getting him to compromise this, isn't going to be easy.
As for the sexual issue. I expect that when he refuses sex with you on the grounds that he is too tired that he is telling you the truth! It seems from what you have written that his is on a rather exhausting schedule, and frankly, I don't think I would be much interested either! Again, let's take a look at when you were in his shoes. Were there many times when he tried to initiate sex and you were too tired to comply?
Judging from your post to me I can see that you and your husband both have very difinite opinions of higher education. I'm sure that you won't agree with me but I don't feel that getting a higher education is the most important thing for your husband at this time. I realize that you could not have forseen that you would become ill, but just look at what a terrible waste of time and money your going to school turned out to be? Since I do not know the nature of your illness, I can only speculate that having such a demanding and hectic schedule while going to school might have actually contributed to your illness. What a terrible, terrible price to pay.
Instead of your husband duplicating this scenario, why don't you concentrate on reducing your need for more money. Instead of him spending so much of his time working toward that advanced degree (ostensibly to get a better paying job), you both should be working toward simplifying your life to the point where he can work LESS. This is the secret to true happiness. If he did not have such a demanding schdule there would be PLENTY of time for him to pursue his hobbies and activities AND spend time with you as well.
Now we get to the issue of children. Ah yes, children. Well, here is another area that you aren't going to like what I have to say either. First of all, bringing a child into the family with these existing issues would be a complete and total disaster. You cannot even begin to imagine the stress that a child puts upon a relationship. Even healthy, happy marriages can crumble under this stress, and certainly one where there are existing problems has not hope, whatsoever of surviving.
Judging from your husband said about having a child, it looks as though he does not consider it a big priority in his life. How could he? It would require him to sacrifice even MORE TIME (that he does not have), toward the care and feeding of a dependant infant. Moreover, if your medical condition is such that you have difficulties maintaining relationships there is no way that you would be capable of taking care of a child without extensive help from either your husband or another party. Your husband does not have the time, nor the desire, I think, to deal with this ON TOP of the myriad of other responsibilities that he has.
As for your friendship issue; I am one of those people who do not have a large circle of friends. In fact, I have a couple of friends remaining from my childhood that I email once in a blue moon, but both of them live more than 1000 miles away. Other than that my family is the center of my world. I don't think that it is necessary for a wife to have friends outside of her husband. In fact, I believe that so-called friendships do more to hurt a marriage by breeding discontent. However, this is not how your marriage has always been, and it is very, very difficult for your husband to adapt to having these demands put on him to be your "friend".
When you and your husband married things were very different and I am sure that your goals as a couple were very different too. Since your husband was attracted to a very independent and ambitious person and since he is used to living a high-energy and stressful life, it is going to be almost impossible for him to change. Let's face it, he didn't bargain for any of this. This is totally contrary to the way that he thought life was going to be and I expect that he is anything but happy about it. It is unfortunate that life has dealt you such a rotten hand, but you cannot change who he is. He is the same person you married and he always will be.
Your choices are simple. You either have to learn to adapt to your illness in a way that does not put additional demands on him or you have to make a new life for yourself elsewhere. Again, since I do not know the nature of your illness it is very difficult for me to comment. But is there NOTHING that you an do? You are obviously a highly intelligent individual who is capable of doing many different things. Even individuals who are quadraplegic or have other physically limiting disorders can still be productive. Obviously, you have a computer and you can type, so find something that you CAN do and DO IT. That way you will feel a lot better about yourself and NOT put so many demands on your husband for his time and attention.
YOU have what millions of people wish they had and that is TIME. Here is your chance to use it wisely. Find a purpose and a goal and work toward in with the physical limitations that you have. Work when you feel well, and when you don't, take it easy. Get some motivation, as my boss would say, "get some fire in your belly" about something (anything) and pursue it. Live your life with pride and dignity and don't whine about the misfortune that you have experienced. Most importantly love and respect your husband and don't try to change who he is. It would be a disasterous mistake.
Best wishes to you Hannah. Be the person he married. Be strong and independant again, DESPITE the illness. Use your brain to find a way.
I hope everything works out.
R. M. French
