QuestionThis is a long drawn out issue. I cheated on my wife right after the birth of our first of 2 Children, 15 Years ago, and she found out. She forgave but never forgot. 2 Years ago I reconnected with a girl that I worked with before I met my wife. The intimate Facebook relationship transformed into phone calls. My wife found out. Again, she forgave but did not forget.. After I ended the relationship with my friend, my wife and I worked out our issues. After we started slipping into the same routines, my facebook friend reappeared and basically began where we left off. The subject matter usually consisted of sexual conversations and emotional conversations. 2 years later, this past Tuesday, my wife found out that I was still in contact with her.
I am starting to get professional therapy, Deactivate any and all Social Networking accounts that I had, and my wife wants to help where she can. She wants me out of the house while we work on this. Me being here is a painful reminder to her of what I have done to her. She feels that me being here, makes it look like, to the kids, that this type of behavior is ok. I need to refocus on my family, i believe that me not being here is going to be more detrimental to my recovery than help. I need to answer all the questions my wife has. I need her to know that I am here and am laying it all out on the table.
Should I stay or should I go?
AnswerHi Jeff~
Well, I can understand her position on this and wanting some space with a trial separation. A separation can do one of two things though, it can do more harm than good and end up in divorce, or it bring you closer and by being separated can make you truly and fully appreciate your wife, kids and family life that you do have and to not take it for granted anymore. If you find yourself tempted to do things or become easily enamored with other women, then the trick is to not put yourself in temptations ways, such as having an account on FB where it's easy access to friends and it can be hidden relatively easily enough, or to be made to look perfectly innocent. But given your history, if you don't end up changing your ways, history does have a way of repeating and catching up with itself. It's good that you've decided to seek some professional help and to figure out why your driven to be unfaithful to your wife. That's a tough first step to take for a person, so I commend you there.
Maybe you could suggest that you stay in the home so you don't have to go through the ordeal of moving out and moving back in if you can work this out. But that you instead move temporarily into an extra/spare bedroom/basement/computer room, etc if you have it available to you. If not, then your options might be slim, I get that. You have to do what's right for you and what your comfortable with doing here. She can't kick you out of the home or make you move out b/c you're still legally married, so neither one of you can be forced out of the marital home. This is something you both have to agree upon and work out between you. If at all possible, you need to remain in the home (although it'll make things a little more awkward and even possibly difficult at times especially if you're not getting along to well), so that you can help with financial obligations, the children, upkeep around the home, etc. Sit down with her and talk this over with her, and see what you're best option would be in this situation. Hopefully she'll listen to you and hear you out, when you give her the pros and cons about staying in the home as opposed to you actually moving out (i.e-it'd mean more added expenses you have to cover besides the regular bills, food/grocery bills, etc). Put it down on paper and then present this to her so that you have it down in black and white. It may benefit everyone if you remain in the home. I think if at all possible though that you should stay. I hope this helps you some.
