QuestionQUESTION: In mearlir post I forgott add tha I've been married abot 4 1/2 yrs) My husband must have been in a"dry"spell when we met. He was vry anxiousto get marred asap
"My husband is 67 and I am 60, and we married about 7 months after
meeting. Shortly after I realized he had a drinking problem which only got
worse, but I did not want to go through a divorce. We live in the home
I have owned by myself for 30 years-I was paying virtually all the
bills and he just used his SS income for whatever he wanted. Separate bank
accounts. In December he was taken to detox and then to a hospital
for almost 3 weeks with very bad DT's and many physical ailments-not
being able to walk etc. I have never seen anything like it. I filed for
divorce; he has been in transitional care for almost a month and will be
released, I think, next week. He is much better, and I feel kind of
bad about having filed, but his son and daughter (adults) tell me they do
not believe he will ever quit drinking. Of course, they have known
him much longer and wish I had been able to talk to them prior to the
marriage. He does not have a close relationship with them anymore, and
he really has absolutely no one he is close to. So I am still taking
care of him, but when he leaves the care center, I just can't risk
bringing him back into the home (h also needs hip replacement surgery asap)
Do I dare cancel the divorce and hope for the best or continue on with
it and see if he goes into treatment and takes care of his problem. I
work full time and part time,have a 93 yr. old mother to watch over,and
don't have the ability or time to babysit him to make sure he isn't
drinking. Can he give up a 40 yr. habit in 6 weeks? He hasn't had the
opportunity to drink since he was in the hospital and the care center.
But Iam quite depressed just thinking about a divorce at my age. I was
divorced frommy first husband about 20 yrs. ago, and just hae to have
another failure. My 4 sons and my mother and a friend who I have
confided in all are very adamant that I divorce as soon as possible. He just
is so much different now. He says he wouldn't drink again, but
doesn't seem eager to go to AA or anything. His kids tell me he has been to
treatment twice in the past. Any adivce? Pat"
ANSWER: Hi Pat,
I read your letter with great care and re-read it. I need you to read the following very carefully.
"After 60 years of life, do you need to continue to accept such misery as a companion?"
Pat, it breaks my heart to see someone say : "I do not want to go through another divorce as this would constitute another failure."
Have you even stopped to try to understand what you have just said? You are telling me that you would prefer to live with someone that you know cannot possibly offer you anything more than misery as opposed to getting a divorce?
What constitutes failure is your inability to see what is so clear to so many around you. At this point, divorce is victory for your possible happiness in the future.
You cannot be this self-destructive. Haven't you had enough trouble in your life to at least contemplate happiness in the last and best stage of your life?
Let him out of your life........and do it rapidly. You have no time left. You have already sufficiently experienced discomfort over the first 60 years of your life. Please realize that you do not have another 60 left, and make the last stage count for some happiness.
With a man like this, the misery will only GET WORSE!! you have to believe me when I say this. It WILL NOT get any better.
Get out........live life alone if need be. Remember that you do not have TIME as a renewable resource. It only goes ONE WAY! Do not waste it with people who cannot offer you anything more than distress.
You are a person worth fighting for.......no one else will fight for you but yourself. So, get on with it. Lose him.....see it not as a failure......but as a success in preparing the fundamentals for your final phase of life which is essentially the one that you should be enjoying the most after having worked so hard for 60 years.
You have raised four sons......you have been a mother, a wife, a caretaker, a breadwinner............it is now simply time to start caring for yourself.....and let others understand that you are now important in your own life.
Don't you believe that you deserve some kind of personal freedom and rewards for your efforts? It would boggle my mind if you would agree to simply continue to accept anything less than being totally happy for the time that you have left.
You sell your self short and your standards are way to low if you even consider continuing to take care of a man who does not have enough self esteem or self respect to stop drinking after so many years. You owe him nothing as I can see from your letter, I can see he has offered you little in the way of happiness. Offer yourself some for a change.
You may find me harsh on this issue, but I have no pity for anyone who is unable to make choices in life that allows for self-betterment and personal growth. This man will drink until he dies. No doubt in my mind about that. If you feel that this will make you happy, then good luck.
If you understand how unbelievably silly it would be to even think that you could make things better, then get out of the marriage and move on.
I hope you make the right decision. I personally see only one correct choice.
I invite you to go over my previous answers and see how few times I have ever advised anyone to let a relationship go because I feel that most are worthy of fixing. Yours is not. There have to be two to form a marriage. Your marriage was not valid, as he was already married........to a bottle. Perhaps a harsh way to look at it, but very factual.
Be well and please do not waste any more of your limited time. It would a crime to continue to be unhappy at your age.
best regards,
Don
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Well, thank you so much. Now I just have to be brave and tell my coworkers and boss eventually. I forgot to mention that I work in a church (United Methodist)-I've been there 23 years, and they are wonderful, but I'm afraid of what they will think. I don't share things like my personal problems. And I'm sure some would encourage me to keep trying at all costs.
You can't get fired for getting a divorce, can you? Thanks, Pat
AnswerHi Pat,
I see that you are much affected by the world surrounding you. I understand that there may be people who would be of the opinion that you should remain with someone who is making you unhappy because you took vows.
I am personally not a believer so my decisions are not clouded by any belief system that disallows open thought.
I believe everyone should have the right to believe or not believe in whatever they wish, as long as the belief harms no other person.
Your decision must be based on nothing but your personal happiness at this moment, as you have already proven to others that you are a good person. No religion or church or other person's opinion of you can justify continued suffering in a relationship that makes you unhappy.
Never be afraid of what others will think when you make a decision that allows for a better life, yet does not harm anyone else. Yes, even your husband. You will not be harming him. He has harmed you. You are simply putting an end to the pain.
What is left of your life has to include a lot of happy time. If there are some who don't agree with you, then so be it. They cannot feel your pain, and they certainly will not take your place, will they now? Do you answer to a higher power, or is that higher power simply a resource for you to find strength in hard times?
Your phrase about people encouraging you to keep trying makes me smile.....We are talking about marriage. Keep trying in marriage involves 2 people, not one. Unfortunately, the trying in this case would not include anyone else but you, because the other person is unable to "keep trying". He is married to a bottle. He had his chance and chose.
Do what is best for you, dear. Never mind what they think. They do not live your unhappiness. I understand them, but they often speak not what they feel, but what faith suggests they should feel.
You are your own person and when there is no intent of harm, you need answer to no one but yourself.
best regards,
Don.
